Bordello Falls 8: The Alamo pales into insignificance as Bordello Falls into it's "Last Stand"

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Tuesday, 27 October 2009


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image for Bordello Falls 8: The Alamo pales into insignificance as Bordello Falls into it's "Last Stand"
WAN-KIN-DIK marries his beloved Bitter shadow of his/her former self!

The Streets Of Bordello Falls
Chapter Eight
The Alamo pales into insignificance as Bordello Falls into it's "Last Stand"

Recap: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

The passing topsy - turvy years had cast a scar across the windswept, dusty mainroad linking east with west through Bordello Falls.

Times were quieter, but on this particular blazing sunny, Sunday afternoon life in the once racous, whoring, horny town was about to change, for ever.

The velvet curtains hung limply and only a perfumed, Bitter breath caused them to quiver in the silence.

Over at the Gaol a once proud Union Jack hung sadly, stiff, only dancing slightly as the "mucho barracho" sheriff, El Skoobio, fell into his hard wicker bed in an unoccupied cell, flinging himself upon it and wishing his pint of tequila was 2.

Unshaven, unwashed, jobless, he turned to his best friend and boy were they friends! His spurs rusty from the desert winds blowing in from the west didn't even turn and bandidos stopped visiting the town ever since the day Bordello's bordello shut up shop, aaahh!

Left were "Bitter" tastes in the mouths of her inhabitants, foul stenches from unwashed and very stained bed linen.
Dusty, emptied tequila bottles standing stiff like monuments of past legendary, binging, whoring, gang-banging orgies in Bordello Falls!

"Those were the days" a Bitter, stale, very cheap perfumed breath reminiscing, rippled the velvet curtains once more whilst drifting slowly eastwards towards the gaol-house where Sheriff El Skoobio, sombrero, pistol without bullets, torn crocodile-skin boots with holes in, rusty spurs rotting and pissed out of his brains, slept!

A slight hammering noise from the east disturbed the Sunday silence as the wind picked up, hit the cracked church bell from the side and it rang for the first time since ever, it seemed.

The hammering noise became louder, advancing onwards, babbling in strange tongues, the sound of iron rivets being driven into wooden sleepers and a puff of smoke in the distance!

Bordello Falls, once the whoring centre of El Paso was about to be ripped apart, turned on it's head, railroaded and most important of all be colonised by THE 300 Chinese chinky railroad workers!

Sheriff El Skoobio, slept on!

Pulsating rhythms of iron hitting wood and strange tongues interfering caused the Bitter, sweet velvet curtains to shimmy and swing as the monster approached.

Bordell left-overs, 2 twin sister eigthy-year old, ex-call girl hags exited the bordell and the Bitter shadow followed.

By now the noise and tremours of the iron monster had reached the outskirts of town as the Bordello Fall's remaining inhabitants, a mingy dog, nearly skinny dead cat called Posh, Gay donkey, the Hags and the Bitter shadow of her former self ventured into the evening sun, witnessing the arrival of not only the iron monster, but also the 300, yellow, blabbering work force being whiplashed by their masters!

A certain yellow fellow, who just happened to be an ex-Peking Duck producing multi-millionaire entrepeneur called WAN-KIN-DIK, glanced sidewards with the sun shining out of his rear towards Bordello Falls and instantly recognised opportunities for him and his 300 fellow Yellows!

With one abrupt raising of the hand the thundering noise ground to a halt, hands up cried WAN-KIN-DIK in perfect Manchurian (no relation to a certain footy club near a certain river called the Mersey where they drown constantly in the murky waters!) the 300 yellow fellows turned, tiny red books, hammers, shovels in their hands and the infamous "Gunfight at the Bordello Falls" ( Mark, nothing whatsoever to do with that other Gunfight at the OK Corall, don't worry, no lawsuits to follow!) commenced.

With one puff of smoke a cry of BANZAI, WAN-KIN-DIK and his 300 kicked the shit out of their masters and adopted Bordello Falls as their new Shangrila!

Sheriff El Skoobio, awaking slightly with a head as thick as a railway sleeper bounicing off of it, "cheap booze, mierda" he mumbled, stumbled towards the door only to be greeted by a friendly yellow face asking, "yu like lice sir?" (translation into best pigeon yank = you like rice sir?).

El Skoobio pulled out his big shooter, never seen by an Asian before, shoved it in the face of the Chink called WAS-MI-LINE, the Chink, a specialist in karate, double for Jackie Chan kicked El Skoobio in the "cohones," he stumbled into the dusty main drag, spitting dust and singing "God Shave our glorious Queen" (Elton John cameo appearance by the way, thankyou Elton, a candle in the wind is currently being greased and sent to you and your partner, have a greasy ol time!)

Bordello Falls was now in Chink hands and on the following Monday Chinese restaurants, Chinese launderies, Chinese herbal shops, Chinese acupuncture quack surgeries, Chinese take-aways sprang out of the ground like cactuses in Alaska!

On Tuesday WAN-KIN-DIK and El Skoobio signed a declaration of independence from El Paso, Texas, the US, Mexico, the UK and Bordello Falls was now an autonomous town with a China Town to boot!

A very "Bitter" breath peeked from behind her velvet curtains at all the goings on, she felt so extremely Bitter, her Bordell had been taken over and turned into a laundry, stained sheets excluded!

The Shadow once so sweet and now so Bitter done a runner, headed westwards on the one remaining donkey that just happened to be GAY, dragging her 2 hags behind her!

Over the next 2 days she pissed on cactuses, drunk the hags dried baby milk (80 years old and very "cottage cheesey") and then redemption, saviour.

The Hags perished (dehydrated 80 year old tits, no good in the blistering El Paso deserts!) but there in front of her, no, no fata morgana just Wild Bill Itchycock (could do with a chinese laundry actually!) with Colonel Birds Custard and their army of 400,000 elite US troops looking for any conflict apart from Iraq and Afghanistan!

The Bitter shadow of her sweet past hitched a ride and her skirt, Wild Bill's Itchycock and Colonel Birds Custard obliged gentlemanly, the 4000000 refused, aagh!

"At last, a conflict we can win," yelled Wild Bill Itchycock (now itching slightly more), "Colonel Custard sound the attack!" They galloped furiously eastwards with the sun burning out of their rear-ends!

Now ol WAN-KIN-DIK was use to a conflict or two with his 300, also word had spread rapidly about the Chinese wonders in Bordello!

Hunter Davy Crutchitt and that blue-eyed, brown-eyed, Wildman David Bowie (yes, him of Uncle Toms flying saucer and John I'm only dancing fame!) with his knife, joined the 300 looking for a Chinese bath, take-away and some clean underpants!

They had just rode in from Break-Back Mountain, but straight as El Skoobio walking when sober, in other words, never!

WAN-KIN-DIK and his 300 + 2 stood as one at the local graveyard waiting for the approaching 400000!

They appeared around a bend kicking up dust, armed to the teeth and attacked!

WAN-KIN-DIK at the fore swishing, swashbuckling, battling, beheading, slaughtering and the rest behind.

Bowie with his knife and humming Lets Dance, Davy Crutchitt with his tomahawks a flying, ducky fur hat a swaying and they fought till dusk!

El Skoobio retired, pissed as usual and SLEPT!

The next day the raging battle continued with Wild Bill scratching his Itchycock even more he called to Colonel Custard (by now very yellow!), "these dastardly 300 fucking chinks will never falter, time to do what all Yanks do when they know they can't win, sound the retreat and fuck off ol bean!!!"

They retreated a man of thousand left! (that's Shakespearian BTW, learnt it from Sir Skoobspeare)

WAN-KIN-DIK stood as stiff as a rattle snake rattler waiting to pounce with only 2 men left!

Dying David Bowie in his dying breath whispered "Let's Dance Davy," Davy Crotchett, also wounded and dying lifted Bowie and whispered "Kiss Me Hardy or David or anyone as long as it's not Maggie Thatcher," they died bravely, like an old Bowie fav, HEROES!

WAN-KIN-DIK returned to his laundry in the Bordell where a Bitter, treacherous shadow hid behind the velvet curtains, they caressed, she licked his wounds, his throbbing WAN-KIN-DIK, in fact all over, they wed!

Meanwhile El Skoobio, slept, awaking only to be the best man and to arrest a bottle of passing tequila, "lice wine" (rice wine!) scotch and dreaming of past glories as the Union Jack once ruled over BORDELLO FALLS!

The End / El Finito / Das Ende / Het Einde!

Chapter 9

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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