Alan Shearer To Make Newcastle United Comeback
Alan Shearer, the record Newcastle United goalscorer, and the city's favourite son, is to leave the comfort of the Match of the Day sofa, and make a comeback for his beloved Magpies. Shearer, retired from football since 2006, will line up as centr...
Read full storyLahore Police Academy Recaptured Due To Perfectly Timed Operation
Pakistani security forces who recaptured a police academy after eight hours of clashes with gunmen responsible for seizing the complex during a morning drill, say that the rescue operation was a success due to its perfect timing. The siege at the...
Read full storySir Fred Goodwin meets his match!
Sir Fred Goodwin, former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland has had several windows broken at his Edinburgh home as well as the windows of his beloved sports car smashed by vandals. Sir Fred decided to rectify the situation and spend some of his pens...
Read full storyBarack Obama To Attend Jade Goody Funeral
US President Barack Obama arrived here in London today ahead of the G20 Summit, and surprised Prime Minister Gordon Brown by notifying him of his intention to attend the funeral of Jade Goody on Friday. Goody died after a battle with cervical canc...
Read full storyKentucky Pole-Locks
The city of Bardstown, Kentucky is an old town and was the "Westward Outreach" during the country's early years and received many guest by horseback or stagecoach. The Talbot Inn there hosted many of our early forefathers and even French aristocra...
Read full storyObama in London Accomodation Drama
President Obama and his wife Michelle tonight flew into a storm on the eve of their historic visit to the UK. As Marine One landed in Regents Park it soon became apparent that no one was in at the ambassadors Residence at Winfield House! A Poli...
Read full storyRequiem for the Dollar planned for G20
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, England - The Queen sent me an email with some stunning news today. The story follows. I'm keeping some of the intimate details secret. After spending several hours in the Queen's boudoir, President Obama has traded in his Ame...
Read full storyCan I Do It Until I Lose One Eye?
The University of Trousersnake Creek 's Eye, Nose and Ear Institute has lent scientific validity to the concept that intense sexual activity, such as masturbating 3-4 times a day, can cause blindness - at least temporarily. Dr. Donald Lincoln repo...
Read full storyWar breaks out in ISS over toilets
Unbeknown to many, the cold war continues in The International Space Station. The original vision of the ISS was one of a place where astronauts would share food and facilities, with other 'nauts' in heavenly bliss. Alas, the Russians and Americans...
Read full storyFree Food Crawling Around Out There.
The new Smokey Mountain Nature Center in Blount County, Tennessee held a seminar last weekend on the use of insects in food. Briana Vere Der Hooke, a counselor at the nature center, said that over 75 percent of the world's population eats insects.
Read full storyLicence fee reminder letters 'not harsh enough'
The BBC isn't harsh enough in its language in licence fee reminder letters, its governing body TASS said today. Chairman of TASS, Sir Joseph Steelman, said: 'Previous letters have used tame phrases such as 'pay up now, you snivelling little bastar...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Nude In Playguy Magazine
HOLLYWOOD - Playguy Magazine is thrilled to announce that Angelina Jolie has finally agreed to appear in a nude layout in the number one men's magazine in America. The 33-year-old beauty agreed to appear in the Playguy spread for a reported $4 mil...
Read full storyOwen recalled by Capello
Michael Owen has been called again by Fabio Capello. Unfortunately it was only to tell him that he should consider retiring from International football. Owen told a close friend, who thus in turn told me which effectively proved the lack of closen...
Read full storyFat Frank stops eating to talk.
Fat Frank or Lumpy Lampard, decided to stop eating yesterday. But only to ask for more food. "Give me some hamburgers and chips and pepperoni pizza with a side of steak." Quite possibly the most overrated football in the history of the game, Frank...
Read full storyPrettypoly pill could become a reality for politicians
Research in India has suggested that a cheap five-in-one pill for politicians could become a reality soon. Taking the pill will reduce the risk of an MP fiddling his or her expenses, cut down the chances of claiming for more than two homes, and make...
Read full storyOld Trafford Baby To Make Net Bulge
Manchester United have confirmed reports that Sir Alex Ferguson is to have another baby. An official spokesperson revealed "Yes, it's true. He is expecting another son. He will call him Wayne." Sir Alex has been fathering children for many years.
Read full storyJade Goody launches own compost
Big Brother celebrity Jade Goody has launched her own brand of compost from beyond the grave. Publicist and bestest friend Max Cash announced the news upon noticing that his income had deteriorated considerably since Goody's death. The product, to...
Read full storyJapan To Invade North Korea
TOKYO - Japanese Emperor Sashi Kajifuma has told his countrymen that he is sick and tired of all of this sophomoric rhetoric coming out of North Korea about their firing off of a rocket. He reminded everyone that several years ago the North Korean...
Read full storyGENTS at Picadilly Circus to Close
LONDON - Located in Westminister's Travelcard Zone 1, the historic landmark, GENTS at the Picadilly Underground Station will close June 1, 2009. Reg Fleming, Station Manager, London Underground said, "rising paper costs, bog brush shortages and t...
Read full storyPolly Toynbee Accidentally Unites the Nation against Jacqui Smith
An article in the Guardian has prompted a huge response from readers. By five o'clock today at least 730 people sent responses about an article by Polly Toynbee, which claimed that Jacqui Smith was the victim of a new wave of Puritanism. Having...
Read full story"Grow A Cabbage For Jade"
Free in today's Scum newspaper is your chance to grow a cabbage to remember Jade Goody. The Scum wants all to remember how she touched the nation. Without her we just don't know what to do, other than try to make as much money as possible out of her...
Read full storyPE Porno Teacher Has Bad Head
A Headmaster has suspended a PE teacher following her posing for 'lewd' pictures on the internet. John Cole of Nova Mews Secondary said "I was looking at my usual websites. When Pam goes out I like to spend my Saturday yanking off to porn. But there...
Read full storyThe Association of Irish Gangsters Historical Enactment Society Puts on "A Spectacular"
The "Taighes" based in Belfast, last night put on a stunning re-enactment of "The Troubles". This award winning spinoff from the longest running soap opera of the same name "burst" onto our screens with a special prime time slot usually reserved f...
Read full storyPolice use alcohol spray in Commons
Police used alcohol spray and arrested a man in the House of Commons, after a CS gas-fuelled fight broke out between two men. Conservative Party chairman Sir Egg Pickled had been lightheartedly lecturing around 40 guests in the Shadow cabinet room...
Read full storyApril 1st Conficker Catastrophe Concern
Details are emerging of how the Conficker.c worm could act on April 1st. It has been known for some time that the worm, which is believed to have infected up to 10 million computers, has a major change of operating mode due to take place on April 1s...
Read full storyAbraham Lincoln Spotted in Convenience Store
At 4:54 PM, Abraham Lincoln walked into Roger's Convenience and bought a Mars bar and a lighter with basketballs on it. So says Maurice Sugarbloom, part-time cashier of Roger's Convenience. "He had a beard, a big black hat, and he was tall.
Read full storyHome Wanted For Fading Pop Star
Pop star, slightly faded, two previous owners, needs new home. Has own underwear and make-up, will only sing when you are out of the house. Can dance, but please do not allow to try and act. Or sing. No children, but will accept yours as her own, as long as they're not normal American ones that make for no publicity. Has all own teeth and hair, will help housewife when husband isn't about, t...
Read full storyClinton Withdraws Funding For Colombian School
Barranquilla - In breaking news former President Bill Clintons foundation has withdrawn its grant to the school started by pop superstar Shakira. The staff at the school Pies Descalzos College in Barranquilla, whose aim is to help underprivileged...
Read full story'So long, suckers!', says British commander to Americans in Iraq
4.000 British soldiers began leaving Iraq today, and their commanding officer, Major General Andrew Salmon-Gaffe, said: 'The whole world knows why Americans and British have been here. Iraq is an invented fake country, invented in London, and the wor...
Read full story"But You Can Leave Your Socks On"
Things got a little crazy in St. Petersburg city's public works department in January. One of the city's safety coordinators allegedly stripped down to his socks and walked into a pretty co-worker's office. Right before that he had brandished a sign...
Read full storyBarack Obama goes sightseeing in London
US President Barack Obama today went sightseeing in London. As he arrived at the Tower of London, he said: 'This is clearly a building of age and firmity, a building we must not - and must never - lose sight of', and at Tower Bridge he added: 'Thi...
Read full storyColombian Incest Scandal New Details Revealed
Bogota - In a scandalous development, the 59 year old Colombian farmer accused of fathering 8 children with his daughter, denies that he is the biological father. But now says he will reveal the real father, an official familiar with the case said Su...
Read full storyJacqui Smith Husband 'Seeing' Another Woman
The crisis surrounding the disgraced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith escalated to a new level this morning, amid revelations that her husband, Richard Timney, is seeing another woman. Timney, who attempted to claim for the rental charge of two porn fi...
Read full storySpoof reporter injured as Police use CS spray in the Houses of Parliament
The scuffle involved two guests at a Commons party hosted by Conservative chairman Eric Pickles on Monday night. The pair, whom Tory sources identified as journalists from the Sun and Daily Star, left the event but continued arguing about breasts in...
Read full storyMassive growth of Internet Marketers
The number of people calling themselves 'Internet Marketers' now exceeds the total population of the world. According to the social networking site Twitter, over 7 billion of their visitors now claim to be involved in marketing via the internet, e...
Read full storyWhy Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women
- Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past. - Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. - A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. - You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. - A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. - When you are done with a Chri...
Read full storyBankers Told To Adopt 'Family Values' By PM
Bankers should adopt "family values" in the way they work, according to Gordon Brown. In a speech to faith and charity leaders at St Paul's Cathedral, the PM said that he expected bankers to behave wth the highest moral standards, and cited Home S...
Read full storyMadonna - No More Adopted Kids
Madonna has put the turbulent history of adopting children behind her and returned David Banda to Mali, much to the annoyance of his Father three thousand miles away in Malawi. "I will no longer be adopting children" she told a mass of reporters o...
Read full storyGrand National cancelled by PM
Horseracing's biggest event, the Grand National, has been cancelled by the Government. The race, due to be run on Saturday, was sensationally banned by the Prime Minister after he discovered that Aintree was near Liverpool. Speaking today, the Pri...
Read full storyStephen Hawking in tax evasion scandal
The Inland Revenue have confirmed that they are investigating alleged tax irregularities by Professor Stephen Hawking. We can reveal that the investigations centre around tax relief claims for shoe leather, believed to go back over twenty years.
Read full storyRoo Baby in Bidding War
A bidding war has broken out between the celebrity magazines over the first photographs of Wayne Rooney and wife Coleen's rumoured new baby. The wife of the England and Manchester United star is said to be three months' pregnant. But neither of th...
Read full storyObama's plan for world dominaton
President Obama admitted that Afghanistan was only the first step of his plan to rule the world. Speaking today, the US President said, "Afghanistan is only the start. I am working alphabetically, and expect Bolivia, Columbia, and Denmark to be my...
Read full storyPakistan awarded World Heritage country
United Nation (NY) On 31st March, the United Nation has selected Pakistan as the world first World Heritage Nation. In a glowing ceremony held at United Nation Head Quater in New York, the UNO chief Osama Bin Laden has conferred this award to Pakista...
Read full storyJade Goody to Contest for Miss Dead Great Britain
Beauty contest lovers across John Bull's Island have anxiously anticipated the arrival of the media extravaganza and fashion obituary, the Miss Dead Great Britain Beauty Pageant and Cremation Ceremony. Dead and almost dead and not dead yet corpse...
Read full storyPicasso's Guernica Becomes Michelle Obama's Latest Fashion Gown
Picasso's anti war tour de force , the masterpiece, Guernica has tormented tyrants and ridiculed war mongers the world over. Bush's House Negro, Colin Powell was so ashamed of his call to unnecessary arms in Iraq at the UN that he sent the tapestry v...
Read full storyPolly Toynbee Shows Her Crack-err
When Arthur Toynbee took time out from writing the definitive history of world civilisation to fertilize the egg that would yield pretty little Polly, little did he suspect that said Polly would show her crack to the very same global village. Polly w...
Read full storyUrineUSSpaceStationOw
Just when astronauts thought that space was the new Woodstock and that they left behind the petty differences and violent conflicts of sad old planet, Earth, toilet turmoil broke out on the Space Station. Apparently it all began with the institution...
Read full storyGreenodd residents arrive back in Britain
Following a harrowing seven days captivity under Somali pirates' control, the residents of Greenodd have arrived back in Britain. The freed hostages were greeted at the airport by a bevy of airline officials, junior Police officers and the recent...
Read full storySurrender Dorothy! Hillary Clinton's vicious vendetta against a young Kansas girl and her dog
Eureka, Kansas - A young girl named Dorothy trembles with fear every time she leaves the relative safety of her farm home not far from here. Hers is no normal agoraphobia, but the uneasy feeling that she is being stalked by one of the most influentia...
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