US President Barack Obama today went sightseeing in London. As he arrived at the Tower of London, he said: 'This is clearly a building of age and firmity, a building we must not - and must never - lose sight of', and at Tower Bridge he added:
'This bridge, my fellow Britannicans, is not falling down, and will not be sold to what we can only call moronic Americans in Arizona. Change has come to the United States of America, there are no barriers, no inequalities any more - we are all now equally moronic.'
And next he visited Brixton's famous fish and chip shop, Uncle Tom's, and said: 'I don't dwell on race or the color of people's skin, I just happened to want to visit this piscine and tuber emporium in what we can safely say, and keep safely saying, is a part of Londinium that shows how far we've come.'
'It's 232 years after American independence, and I'm still droning on about race, or at least hinting about it, hides the fact that after 100 days I've done nothing as President, except to go back on my election promise about our armed forces. Just salt, thanks.'
Thousands didn't turn out to greet Mr Obama, as having ruled the world for 500 years another insipid Yank President impresses no-one in England, but of course it will impress Americans. 'People', the President said, outside Uncle Tom's, 'let me just say this.'
'This chip in my hand represents the mightiest country in the world. Yes, Spain. I mean America. Or Canada. Anyway, I wasn't even born in America, and have come across the ocean of Atlantis to tell the British people how wonderful the USA is. Can anyone round here tell me how to win a war?'
Finally he went to Madame Tussaud's famous waxworks museum. At the foyer was a model of George W Bush, in a clown's uniform and grinning like an inbred alcoholic, and next to it was one of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, sheltering from sniper fire in Kosovo, and sheltering from facelift surgeons in New York State.
Next to these was Jimmy Carter, also in a clown's uniform, and a model of Henry Kissinger in his usual Nazi uniform. 'You know', Obama said, 'I've looked around this wonderful and historic place and have yet to see, or even hear of, a waxwork model of myself. This is odd, this is strange, this is weirdness personified in, let us not forget, the crap I keep talking to cover up the fact that I never say anything worth listening to.'
And an aide pointed to a waxwork far away in a corner, of a Jamaican sweeping the floor in a Tube station. 'There's your one, sir', he said, 'doing the jobs previous Presidents don't want to do. That's why you were elected, to take the blame for all the things that will go wrong, you know, like Carter.'
'Wasn't I elected because of my policies and charisma then, or even my skin color?' 'Nope, Mr President, you're a feeble, waffling nobody, and will be out of office in 4 years' time. Care to see the models of the American Civil War soldiers? Not many Africans or Hawaiians fought in that one.'
Abraham Lincoln is laughing somewhere.
