Alan Shearer To Make Newcastle United Comeback

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

image for Alan Shearer To Make Newcastle United Comeback
Mike Ashley today

Alan Shearer, the record Newcastle United goalscorer, and the city's favourite son, is to leave the comfort of the Match of the Day sofa, and make a comeback for his beloved Magpies.

Shearer, retired from football since 2006, will line up as centre forward for his hometown team against the might of Chelsea at St James Park on Saturday.

Newcastle boss Joe Kinnear, who is recovering from triple heart bypass surgery, has convinced the veteran striker, now 43, to pull on his boots once more in an effort to save the club from relegation to the Championship, and almost-certain bankruptcy.

Shearer scored 206 goals in 404 appearances for Newcastle, and that kind of scoring form is just what is needed, because the Magpies' other strikers are absolutely rubbish, and seem to have forgotten where the goal is.

It's thought the BBC were on the verge of sacking Shearer anyway, for his incessant use of the present perfect tense instead of the simple past during his MOTD punditry. Tonight he said:

"I've told the manager, I've said "we're in the shit", and I've offered that I'm more than willing to give it a shot. Without a doubt."

Alan Hansen is a good pundit. He's the only Alan that is.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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