Eureka, Kansas - A young girl named Dorothy trembles with fear every time she leaves the relative safety of her farm home not far from here. Hers is no normal agoraphobia, but the uneasy feeling that she is being stalked by one of the most influential women in America, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
This bizarre tale involves both the most powerful people and the most innocent of victims in a tortured ballet that began when Dorothy joined her classmates on a senior trip to the Oz'e Region of France to view the castles there.
"Dorothy was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.", explained her Aunt, Emily. "There she was watching Nancy Pelosi and her delegation explain Franco-American relations and the next moment a house drops from the sky and poor Nancy goes from being House Speaker to House Squeaker in an instant, by virtue of being squashed by said house. Well, Dorothy simply did what any normal girl with a shoe fetish would. She takes the ruby slippers from the speaker's feet and puts them on, when suddenly there's a plume of smoke and the Secretary of State, Mrs. Clinton, appears and starts cursing at her."
That wasn't the last of it. Witnesses describe how Mrs. Clinton harassed the girl so much that she sought refuge in the Irish Embassy Compound nearby, which locals refer to as "The Emerald City". Dorothy thought she was safe at last, until the sky writer showed up. That very same day Mrs. Clinton had gone so far as to hire a sky-writing parachutist to scribble the words "Surrender Dorothy!", across the azure heavens above the compound.
That was months ago, since that time Mrs. Clinton has pursued her prey back to Kansas, stalked her and her friends-so much so that they now use code names amongst themselves-and has even taken out full-page ads in the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and the Kansas City Chief. One ad in particular had a very menacing tone to it:
Surrender Dorothy!Surrender Dorothy:
You may think that you are safe, but you are not! I know where you are and can get you at any time I want, my pretty, and your little dog, Toto, too!
Don't think that you can rely on your so-called friends either! I know all about the Scarecrow, the Tin man and the Lion. You may think that they can help you, but they can't.
So give it up, girl. Surrender now! You'll be safe as long as I get those ruby slippers. If not, you are in for a world of hurt!
Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State.
This reporter has discovered other un-settling facts about the Secretary of State:
- Her husband, Bill Clinton, former president of the United States, hasn't been heard from in months.
- Mrs. Clinton does indeed have a shoe fetish. One that rivals that of the late Imelda Marcos of the Philippines.
- She owns a castle replete with a moat, and a ceremonial guard who continually praise the virtues of Oleo Margarine.
- The castle, in the same Oz'e Region of France Dorothy and her mates were visiting, is a dark, desolate place around which nothing grows for miles and miles.
Those few who venture near the castle report seeing giant fruit bats and flying monkeys!
It's name? The Castle Rodham.
Dorothy's own Uncle Henry takes up the story: "With the ads Mrs. Clinton had really ratcheted things up. If Dorothy was scared before, now it was all we could do to get her out of her room. We were especially shocked to find that she knew the names we had given Dorothy's friends. We had no idea where she got that information, but we were powerful scared."
Isolated and alone, Dorothy took comfort in her family, friends and her dog, the tenacious Toto. Dorothy had always loved that dog, but now, with Mrs. Clinton following her every move, Dorothy is using the small dog as a shield more and more often. The almost constant attention has caused a once affable dog to turn into a nippy, unpredictable animal, prone to lashing out at Dorothy's friends as well as her perceived enemies.
Even more inexplicable is the indifference of the federal government to Dorothy's dilemma. "We've appealed to everyone from our congressman to the president. To a person they are either unable or unwilling to intercede on Dorothy's behalf.
"I suppose that most are afraid to anger Mrs. Clinton, one of the most, if not the most powerful woman in the world." said a congressional aide who wished to remain anonymous. Even the often outspoken vice president Joe Biden had little to say except to recommend that Dorothy hold onto the slippers as long as possible, ""Keep tight inside of them.", he told her in a clandestine phone conversation, "Their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want them so badly."
