The BBC isn't harsh enough in its language in licence fee reminder letters, its governing body TASS said today.
Chairman of TASS, Sir Joseph Steelman, said: 'Previous letters have used tame phrases such as 'pay up now, you snivelling little bastard, or the boys will be round to give you a kicking!', and 'Your family will be held hostage in Beirut, unless you cough up the three pence you still owe us.' I admit such language is too tame, and have hired a team of professional writers from criminal organisation Da Spoof to write a new reminder letter. And here it is:
'Dear Sir/Madam, It has come to our attention that you have no TV licence, yet the chances of anyone in Britain not owning a single device that shows television pictures is about as likely as Gordon Brown not doing whatever America tells him to. We need millions more cash to hand straight over to our executives, to pay them for doing absolutely nothing at all in one of the biggest cons in history.
'Our programmes are crap, our news readers are all freaks that wouldn't get a job anywhere else, our weather forecasts are totally and utterly pointless, and wrong 99% of the time. Our news is just government propaganda, and identical to Sky's, our sport is now almost non-existent, our famous documentaries dried up decades ago, and our entire station could be run for a fraction of what we charge the nation by any half-decent commercial television company. And if it used advertising, it would cost you nothing.
'So you see, we've managed to turn what is basically a billion-pound theft that should be investigated by the police into you, the customer, being criminalised for not handing over your money to us! Bit like making a law that you must hand over money to highwaymen or get thrown into gaol if you don't.
'If you ignore this letter we will send you more and more of them, all at the taxpayers' expense, letters that cost the country more than the money we are demanding from you.
'If the BBC was a commercial business it would have gone out of business years ago, it only exists thanks to you paying for the privilege of being able to receive one London soap opera and a handful of FA Cup matches every year, a pathetic service that would be free in any other part of the world.
'That'll be £3,422. Pay up, or we'll be sending Jonathon Ross round to visit you. And if that doesn't work, you'll be getting the Eurovision Song Contest beamed into your home 24 hours a day. Sucker.'
Sir Joseph added: 'Next year we'll be introducing a radio licence. For only £354 a year you can tune into radio stations all across the world, just as you can now, only it will pay for my endless 8-course lunches at the Dorchester Hotel.'
'Listeners that don't pay the licence will tracked down by bloodhounds, and summarily executed by the SAS. Have a good year, I know we will!' Lord Reith was away at an eight-day conference, attending a 'How To Steal Billions From The Public' course - paid for by the taxpayer, of course.
