Charles: My Mother's Day Pain
Prince Charles today spoke movingly of his pain every Mother's Day. As a packed audience listened in hushed silence Charles told them of his "vast and overpowering despair" at this time of year. "Every year I keep hoping that it will be the last,...
Read full storySir Alex Ferguson admits that he's not really Scottish, but a Geordie
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson surprised the footballing world today, when he announced he was actually from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, and not from Scotland. 'Aye, it's true, man', he said from his whippet club near Gateshead, 'Ah'm actual...
Read full storyNewly Discovered US Election Prophecy By Nostradamus
UPI Update, February 23, 2003- Historical researchers have discovered a new prophecy by Nostradamus, the famous sooth sayer of the Middle Ages, hidden away in a 500 year old book in a German University library. Apparently the newly found verse might...
Read full storyAmericans laden with Obama / Biden.
After a tough 50 days gullible American voters are waking up to the shocking fact they will be burdened with the Obama / Biden 'dream' ticket for some years yet. Obama caused controversy by throwing a lavish '50 days' party at his White House crib...
Read full storyNoel Edmonds Diagnosed Insane
In a sensational development in the "Deal or no Deal" TV scandal presenter Noel Edmonds was certified as insane yesterday by a medical examiner in Basingstoke Hampshire. Shocked family members and colleagues were stunned by the news that he had been...
Read full storyJade Goody Corpse To Be Sent Into Orbit
Jade Goody, the cancer-stricken ex-Big Brother housemate who has only a matter of weeks to live, is tonight rumoured to be at the centre of an astonishing new British National Space Centre project that will see her dead corpse sent into orbit. Goo...
Read full storyMeghan McCain: "Ann Coulter Still Wears A Training Bra"
PHOENIX - Meghan McCain, the 24-year-old daughter of Senator John McCain does not hide the fact that she cannot stand GOP self-professed princess Ann Coulter. Meghan who lists her occupation as "American Blogger" recently said that Coulter is offe...
Read full storyKell Logg Unleashes Diabetes Epidemic on San Francisco Homeless
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a continued campaign of hatred for pot smokers, the Kell Logg Flake Company has now launched all-out biological warfare on the homeless of San Francisco. Two volunteers were injured when the popular cereal manufacturer dumped...
Read full storyBernard Madoff asks for other offences to be taken into consideration
Faced with a possible 150 year jail term, Bernard Madoff is thought to be considering whether he should plead guilty to other uncharged offences. This could be a way of improving his privileges during his sentence. Criminals pleading guilty to cr...
Read full storyPatsy Palmer 'Livid' After Comic Relief Saggy Boob Jibe
In sensational scenes on 'Comic Relief Does the Apprentice' to be screened tonight, Patsy Palmer is seen attacking Ultimo Lingerie boss Michele Mone, with a DD underwired, padded bodyshaper after the multi-millionaire claimed that even her range of s...
Read full storyIt's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty III
Welcome. We have a very strange letter from a guy known only as 'Mandy', but I 'appen to know that his first name is Peter. Ok, here it is: Dear Geoff, I have a serious problem. Just recently I have developed the most dreadful anal warts. Not just one or two either. Scores of the bastards. It hurts when I sit down. And Ronaldo wont play leapfrog with me any more. I really like it when he pla...
Read full storySesame Street hits Skid Row as The Electric Co. powers down Big Bird
Sesame Street, PBS - The after affects of Ronald Reagan's Trickle Down Theory of Economics has final worked its way down like he said it would. The meltdown of Wall Street's financial district has coursed its way through the heart of every American,...
Read full storyGordon Brown "Not Funny Enough for Red Nose Day"
It has been revealed that Prime Minister Gordon Brown followed in the footsteps of his predecessor Tony Blair, by filming a sketch with Catherine Tate for Comic Relief, in March - but BBC bosses decided not to show it on the night - because he isn't...
Read full storyJordan's Cleavage is to be sold to build Essex ski slope
Vacuous strumpet and Multi talented Katie price has sold her breasts as part of a deal to build a new ski slope in Essex. "Her Silicon valley is ideal for skiers of all abilities", claims Peter Andre." I love a slide up there myself. Katie loves...
Read full storyMadoff Enters: Guilty But Happy Plea
Saying he was "deeply sorry and ashamed, Snort! Ahem." Bernard Madoff pleaded guilty Thursday to pulling off perhaps the biggest swindle in Wall Street history and was immediately led off to jail in handcuffs to the applause of his seething victims i...
Read full storyBin Laden Calls Out Bush to Hardcore Match at WrestleMania 25
Washington - Another Bin Laden video has surfaced. "This Time it's Personal," Says Bin Laden. "You couldn't catch me with your Special Forces, or your Intelligence operations, but right now I'm willing to come out of hiding just for you!" Accordi...
Read full storyThe Goody, the Baddie and the Ugly: publicist pitches for blockbuster remake
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Jade Goody's publicist is hoping that a 21st century remake of the epic 1966 spaghetti western The Goody, the Baddie & The Ugly may cheer his bed-bound client. The updated plot concerns three London PR gurus...
Read full storyNexpress East Coast crap service continues
Liquid shit - Passengers standing on platforms at Hatfield and Welwyn station are literally getting shat on by Nexpress East Coast. According to recent passenger complaints NXEC trains are spraying liquid shit on passengers as the train enters the st...
Read full storyLevi Johnston dumped over mother's Matanuska Thunderf***k weed bust
Wasilla, Alaska - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Bristol Palin has dumped her fiance of three years following sordid press revelations about his mother's homegrown marijuana factory arrest. Palin, 18, had greased the wheels of her mother Sarah's GOP v...
Read full storyGovernment Announces New Bank Lending Rules
Britain's nationalised banks are to be 'facelifted' and to introduce new lending policies in a bid to revitalise Britain's torpid housing market, it was announced today. Northern Wreck, Lards Banking Group and Royal Plank of Scotland, which are no...
Read full storyChocolate to get Health Warnings
The Department of Health has today announced a new scheme aimed at tackling the social and public health issues caused by the wanton consumption of chocolate. The actions follow the recent campaign by Doctor David Interferingscrote, who described...
Read full storyManchester United team for next week's cup tie
Here is the squad for next week's Manchester United cup tie: * Alex Van Der Ferg * Gary Nevilleson * Patrice Fergra * Owen Fergreaves * Rio Ferguson * Awex Brown * Cristiano Fergaldo * Anderson Ferguson * Dimitar Fergatov * Wayne Fergie * Ryan Ferggs * Ben Fergster * Ji-Sung Ferg * Fergan Alic Manager: Sir Alex Ferguson Coach: Mick Fergan Referee will be Jim Fergine, assis...
Read full storyPalin Baby Given to Anthony Family
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin today announced that her 18-year-old daughter Bristol - the unwed mother of a two-month-old child, Tripp - has split with Tripp's alleged father, 19-year-old Levi Johnson. The governor said Bristol secretly gave her baby...
Read full storyAlleged Mourinho assault investigated
Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho was being investigated by Greater Manchester Police today, after allegedly assaulting himself after the Champions' League match at Old Trafford. Witnesses said they heard Mourinho shout to himself: 'I am the chose...
Read full storyBarlow "Gutted" as Take That Replace him with Williams
Only days after triumphantly reaching the summit of Kilimanjaro with eight fellow celebrities in aid of Comic Relief, Gary Barlow is reportedly a broken man today. He has returned to the UK to find his fundraising efforts eclipsed by hellraiser an...
Read full storyWhich Craft? Magazine to change name
The arts and hobbies magazine Which Craft? has decided to change its name after concerns were raised about the association of the name with black magic. Which Craft? has been published since 2002 and the editor claims that nobody has ever before m...
Read full storyJose Mourinho Punches Manchester United Tosser In Face, Allegedly
Controversy is something never very far away from former Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho, now in charge at Inter Milan, and the Special One was in trouble again this morning, after it was alleged he had struck a Manchester United supporter in the face whe...
Read full storyShaggy-Looking Joaquin Phoenix Leaves Stage, Fights With Heckler
Joaquin Phoenix appears to be getting into the act of being a petulant hip-hop star. Never mind he can't sing, not many do. Last night he finally came out on stage and then jumped off the stage during a very short, four-hour delayed performance a...
Read full storyGovernment To Tax Chocolate
The Government had announced plans to tax chocolate. In a highly controversial move the Chancellor, Alistair 'The Eagle' Darling said "We have taken expert medical advice. This is for the benefit of the nation. It is not an attempt to secretly raise...
Read full storySeal given to PM for approval
United Kingdom Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been handed a 180 kilogram seal in what must have been a crazy mix up by a junior staffer. A bemused Mr Brown woke to find the exotic animal sitting on the doorstep of his 10 Downing Street residence.
Read full storyRemember Zumziblatoo? It's Back
Readers may remember the infamous Zumziblatoo computer hack that was documented here and on several computer security sites about a month ago. It allowed hackers to remove items from the search listings of Google so they would not appear in subseque...
Read full storyJeremy Kyle to play TV Detective in ITV Autumn Schedule
Just days after announcing a shock move to Peterborough in the wake of the financial crisis that threatens to take them off the air for good, ITV have today revealed their startling new cost-cutting Autumn schedule. In a press conference at a Lit...
Read full storyPeter Mandelson to fund custard company
In a surprise move announced today, Lord Mandelson is funding a new venture, the "Lordmandy Custard Company". Based on his vast experience with custard, the company plans to produce a range of coloured custards, using only natural ingredients of c...
Read full storyDollar to be replaced by Amero on Hitler's birthday, April 20, 2009
WASHINGTON DC - UPDATE1 A reliable source inside the Federal Reserve revised his report today that the Amero will be rolled out on April 1. The new date is April 20, Hitler's birthday date. It will be replacing the Dollar, the Peso, and the Canadian...
Read full storyAmerica and UK in "food exchange" week
The USA and UK are embarking on a "food exchange week" from today, to help citizens of each understand the other's way of life better. Exhibitions and tastings have been organised all over America and Britain. For example, how many British people...
Read full storyTatiana Del Toro To Sing At The White House
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A White House aide has just announced that American Idol contestant Tatiana Del Toro has been booked to perform at President Obama's Weekly Wednesday White House Music Fest. The president reportedly told his breakfast cook, Ann...
Read full storySarah Palin Explains: Some White Trash is Trashier
It is hard to believe that John McCain, who is now aspiring to be the white knight to save the RNC from its unfortunate Black forest brand in Michael Steele, actually chose Sarah Palin as his VP candidate. Palin proved to be more inarticulate than ev...
Read full storyDutch West Indies Company Colonizes DR Baseball
Not since Hans Brinker and his Silver Skates put his finger in some Amsterdam dyke has Holland's sportsmen distinguished themselves as much as they have in their double defeat of the formidable major league all-star millionaire team from third world...
Read full storyThe Daily Beastiality Bought by Masturbating Monkey
The newest, latest, and hottest sexy beast of blogs, The Daily Beastiality has been getting hit on more often than a hotpantsed hoe in the 1970's Times Square. Even Johnnie McC, the senile Republicant flop from AZ has a sweet shortie of a daughter sq...
Read full storyMeg McCain Goes After Kickass Coulter: 'That Dyed Blonde Beeatch'
In the battle of the blonde bleach bottles, it appears as if blondes have more fights, fits and feuds than fun on the Republicant homefront. John McCain's 24 year old ditzy daughter seems to have inherited the old man's foot in mouth disease before s...
Read full storyCheney Opens Assassins Incorporated
The Vice President of vice for the past 8 years has not been off the torture job for even a few months when he announced the grand opening of his latest geo-political scheme. After a long run as CEO of Hallitosis and Burton, Cheney knows more abo...
Read full storyLevi Johnston Stumbles When He Discovers McCain is Tripp's Real Dad
19 year old Alaskan male Levi Johnston has taken a one way trip out of his relationship with Bristol Palin. The exit stage left is rumored to have something to do with the discovery that baby Tripp's biological dad is none other than John McCain!...
Read full storyIsrael declared a terror organisation
A speaking parrot called Ben accompanying George Galloway in the VIVA Palestinia convoy, gave a speech on his experiences in Parrotstine. He said "It is terrifying - terror is all around - whoever is responsible for the devastation here is obvious...
Read full storyUnited Football League to Begin in October
After the NFL/AFL merger in the 1960's, viewers and fans have seen the WFL, the USFL, the World League, NFL Europe, the Arena League, and other professional football ventures come and go. The newest will start play in October with only four teams in...
Read full storyNew Wonder Woman Movie Released on DVD
A new straight to video version of Wonder Woman was released on DVD and not all of the entertainment industry is happy with the result. The new film is a cartoon, not live action, and features the voice of Keri Russell (Felicity) as the crime fighte...
Read full storyNed Roseday supported by TheSpoof.com
Ned Roseday, Chief Charities Correspondent at the Big Bum Corporation (BBC) has complained to TheSpoof.com about an article concerning Clown Prostitutes who were said to be offering Comic Relief. "This is just the kind of badly written rubbish tha...
Read full storyJustin Timberlake and Jessica Biel Secretly Marry
The Los Angeles Tribune reported today that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beil were secretly married in a private ceremony in Cinderella's Castle. The pair have been dating for two years and it was rumored that they would tie the knot this summer in...
Read full storySouth African Couple Travel 100 Miles With Spitting Cobra
A couple drove 100 miles from South Africa's famous Kruger National Park with a highly venomous spitting cobra in their car, the Beeld newspaper reported on Wednesday. Gordon Parratt, 69, felt a 33-inch long snake wind itself around his leg while he...
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