Alleged Mourinho assault investigated

Written by matwil

Thursday, 12 March 2009

image for Alleged Mourinho assault investigated
The chosen one has another bad away result

Inter Milan manager Jose Mourinho was being investigated by Greater Manchester Police today, after allegedly assaulting himself after the Champions' League match at Old Trafford.

Witnesses said they heard Mourinho shout to himself: 'I am the chosen one, so how come I can't win a game for Inter? I'm going home, I'm going home!', before allegedly punching himself on the side of the head, and then starting to kick himself on the shin.

And shocked United fans say that police did nothing to stop the Portugese manager from attacking himself, and simply stood back and let him throw himself to the ground and roll about, pulling his own hair and yelling obscenities at himself.

'It wasn't a pretty sight', said Ermintrude Ecclethwaite from Salford, 'one minute he was shouting 'I'll kill you, you idiot!', the next one he was screaming 'Look what you've done to my hair! It took me hours to prepare it!', and I could see he was in tears. I wanted to lend him my mascara and hair spray, but the police wouldn't let me do it.'

Jose Mourinho is seen as one of the finest and sulkiest tantrum merchants in the world of football, as well as inheriting Eric Cantona's crown of speaking English in the most ridiculous fashion, but fortunately he hasn't copied that Frenchman's notoriously violent temper. When a Crystal Palace fan once shouted 'You're a seagull!' at M Cantona, he launched into an otherwise unprovoked and dangerous bout of ham acting in films.

A spokesman for Inter Milan said: 'Senhor Mourinho will not be appearing in any films, unless it's a remake of 'Gone With The Wind'. Then he'll be perfectly cast as Scarlett O'Hara.' Sir Alex Ferguson was quietly drinking tea in his dressing room.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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