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LOS ANGELES,CA., USA Gidget, the Taco Bell talking chihuahua, died today after suffering an apparent seizure at the home of her trainer. Joe Jackson immediately issued a statement on behalf of his family (with which he rarely has contact). Mr. Ja...
Read full storyMaldives to Beat Female Virgins, Males Get Attaboys
In a startling decision made public today, the government of the Maldives has announced that all female virgins between the ages of nine and ninety seven will be required to participate, as victims, in public floggings to be held within the next two...
Read full storyThrifty Tips #6
In our occasional series of Thrifty Tips, aimed at saving you money but normally resulting in embarrassment, we have the dubious pleasure in bringing you advice on cheap travel. The first, and most obvious solution, is to not travel at all (except on foot) until you are 65 years of age, or 60 if you are female. This way, you are given a birthday present from the government of a bus pass, not...
Read full storyTaco Bell Chihuahua Dies of Massive Stroke, Latest Celebrity Death
In a month that has seen the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and several other celebrities, one more has been added to the list. Gidget, the Chihuahua who became famous selling Mexican food for the Taco Bell chain, passed away due to a st...
Read full storyJoanna Lumley to Emigrate - Statement From 4th Plinth
Joanna Lumley, the well-known former Gurkha soldier gender reassignment and height enhancement celebrity is to leave the United Kingdom forever. "As Rifleman Limbahadur Gurung, I served this country well" Ms Lumley stated from her lofty vantage po...
Read full storyMore crime plead hard up lawyers
Lawyers are facing a life on skid row as the credit crunch bites deep. With 83% of the adult population already behind bars after the highly successful ''Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime'' campaign,there just aren't enough people left to...
Read full storyThe Candy Floss Diet
William Bone who was formerly 20 stones gave up on the atkins diet claiming it was absolute rubbish and that he did not lose any weight. He said "I am now trying the Candy Floss diet which I have been on for the last six months as you can see it works"...
Read full storyRoss Kemp Favourite For Lead Role In New 'Kojak' Movie
Casting has started in Hollywood for the new 'Kojak' movie, hotly tipped to be the blockbuster movie of summer 2010. Kojak, originally starred baldy actor Telly Savalas as a lollipop sucking NYPD detective whose catchphrase was: "Who loves ya baby...
Read full story"Hereee They Come!" - California To Release 27,000 Prisoners
SACRAMENTO - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has just announced that in order to trim some of the state's $26 billion deficit he will be releasing 27,000 California Department of Corrections inmates from 17 different California prisons. The state's...
Read full storyBig Brother May Be Watching - But Nobody Else Is
Total apathy was the plucky British TV viewing public's reaction to the current season of Big Brother, currently being aired on Channel 4. It seems that nobody cares a jot about what goes on in the BB house any more. The tabloids are virtually ign...
Read full storyChef Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen's Three-Ring Food Circus
HOLLYWOOD - The F Network's cooking competition reality show, Hell's Kitchen has now become more popular than WWF, WCW, and WWE wrestling combined. The show's Naziesque host Chef Gordon Ramsay makes American Idol's Simon Cowell look like a little...
Read full storyAnnual Redneck Veehickle Contest Begins
Skunk Hollow, KY - It was announced today that starting next week, the annual Build a Better Redneck Veehickle Contest will begin. Land and Water Veehickles will be judged on originality, usability, and hillbillity. Entrants using commodes, wor...
Read full storyBuzz Aldrin - The Right Stuff - The Real Deal
Amazing footage has emerged of legendary US Astronaut and moon-walker Buzz Aldrin punching a stroppy lunar-landing conspiracy theorist in the face. Bart Sibrel approached the Astronaut as he entered a hotel with his step-daughter. The conspiracy c...
Read full storyDaft Bitch Kills Dog
Angela Quick was about to have a cup of tea when she noticed she had totally run out of milk. She left her faithfull dog Rover to watch her baby daughter who was lying sleeping in her bed while she went to her local shop which was 100 yards down the...
Read full storyMiley's new face job
Hannah Montana Beau Miley Cyrus has shocked headlines this week by her new face job. Miley, who last month split from her long term boyfriend Justin Gaston, went into major depression after the split from Justin aged 22. Miley then went into surgery...
Read full storyPalin Goes Whalin'
Wasilla, AK - Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin owes $500,000 in legal fees she has accumulated in trying to defend ethics complaints against her. As the fees continue to mount, Palin is trying to find creative ways to pay off that debt. Ironically, one of t...
Read full storyA Review of Scunthorpe Zoo
I was assigned to review Scunthorpe Zoo today. Scunthorpe is an area rich in culture, heritage and fat girls on bikes sitting outside local supermarkets waiting for their boyfriends to return with their shoplifted loot. The Zoo is an attraction that could put the area on the map - Scunthorpe has been removed for several maps for the past few years due to lack of interest. The first thing tha...
Read full storyAcademics Get Their Panties In A Knot Over Henry Louis Gates Arrest
Boston, MA - When Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. was arrested for disturbing the peace, the world thought the sky was going to fall. Well, maybe not the world. Just a small section in academia who thrive on playing the victim card. In fact m...
Read full storyNick Jonas' new mustache.
Teen sensation Nick Jonas from the popular boy band The Jonas Brothers has told press that to complete his new look he is set to grow a mustache. Nick Jonas who previously and is said to be dating Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus told press that growi...
Read full storyDallas Quarterback, Tony Romo Blames Big Loses On Center, Gurode Andre's Gas Problem
Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboy's star quarterback has finally came out into the open and stated that for some time now, he's had to not only deal with the big egos on the Dallas Cowboys like Terrel Owens but also with Center, Gurode Andre's gas attacks...
Read full storyRocket Boosts Moon Into Circular Orbit
The Moon, after being an elliptic orbit around Earth for 4.5 billion years, is now in a nearly perfect circular orbit around Earth, thanks to a massive rocket designed by NASA. The rocket, launched earlier this year, completed a flawless burn at 0...
Read full storyBob Woodruff Finally Gets To Meet Nurse Who Shook His Penis
ABC news correspondent Bob Woodruff, who was seriously injured during an attack in Iraq some time ago and has greatly recovered is continuing to be used to draw viewers to ABC News. Yesterday, Bob was finally able to meet the nurse who shook his p...
Read full storyPerez Hilton To Play Paris Hilton In The Paris Hilton Story
HOLLYWOOD - Tinseltown's notorious purveyor of scandalous celebrity blogging hors d'oeuvres Perez Hilton, has just received word that he has been picked to play the infamous blonde celebrity maven Paris Hilton on the silver screen in the Warner Broth...
Read full storyRobot "Freddy" the real hero of Lord's
It was revealed late today by English management officials that Andrew Flintoff, who regularly left the field of play to look after his chronically injured body, was replaced on many occasions by a robotic version of his life form, who subsequently c...
Read full storyDarts for the Olympics - The Great Prophet Nostradumbass
The Great Prophet Nostradumbass predicts that within 20 years Darts will become an olympic sport. The days of drunken fat bellied guys throwing darts at a board are over with a new breed of dart players on televised tournaments playing for high sums of money. Players have got to be very fit these days a drinker would not get by the first round in darts tournaments now.
Read full storyLA Coroner: "I know how Michael Jackson died"
The Los Angeles County Coroner announced Wednesday that he now could state how Michael Jackson died: "Michael Jackson died because his heart stopped beating," the coroner told reporters. "The mystery has been solved. Speculation must end now. E...
Read full storyLou Dobbs Calls President Obama An Undocumented Worker
MANHATTAN - Well CNN's Lou Dobbs has just done what none of the GOPers over at Fox News have done. "Roly Poly" Dobbs has called the president of the United States an undocumented worker. One of the top CNN executives Reggie Dinkinview said that ev...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Dating Jessica Simpson
LOS ANGELES - Fox News broke the story that once Adam Lambert heard that Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo had dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson, he quickly emailed her and asked her for a date. The heart-broken, devastated, and well-endowed Simps...
Read full storySven in Notts
Sven Goran Eriksson's arrival at Notts County as Director of Football has sent shockwaves throughout all connected with the beautiful game. The quiet and "mysterious" man avoided cameras and media as he sneaked in the back gate of Meadow Lane under c...
Read full storyNew Jonas Brothers Album Titled "Limes, Bines and Trying Times"... Why?
In an interview with me at Grolling Stones, Joe Jonas explained the title, Limes, Bines and Trying Times as "a bit of poetry we came up with on the last tour we did." On the meaning he stated, "Limes are something that someone feeds you, whether...
Read full storyCIA shielded Obama's British son from London 7/7 bombings probe
London - (Snakes Alive! Mess): Government security committee COBRA heard today how ex-CIA director George 'Bush' Tenet personally ordered a whitewash obliterating the existence of Barack Obama's 20-something British son, subsequently the top suspect...
Read full storyMan on Mars - The Great Prophet Nostradumbass
Man will land on Mars by the year 2069 says the Great Prophet Nostradumbass. It will be a one way mission with the astronauts staying there and future missions will be the same until the planet is colonised. Water will be found under the surface the main requirement for life.
Read full storyThe Dating Game #2
In the recent magazine article "The Dating Game #1" I promised to you, the loyal listener, that I would join a dating agency, meet women, and relate all my experiences from what happened along the way. Well I am pleased to be able to tell you that I immediately went off and duly filled out an application form and have been accepted by the rather fetchingly named agency, "Subtle Connections".
Read full storyBritney Spears Forgets The Singing Part Of Show In Russia
After receiving death threats before her "Circus" show in Russia, Britney Spears came out in what appeared to be her sexy nighty and began to dance. As the hand clapping got louder and louder, she apparently thought she heard a shot because she do...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Son Omer Bhatti Has His Nose
Los Angeles, CA - Michael Jackson's alleged love child, Omer Bhatti, has his nose...literally. When Michael Jackson's body was removed by ambulance on that fateful day of his death, Omer Bhatti followed behind, five minutes later, carrying the nose o...
Read full storyEinstein's Relativity disproven
It has long been an Old Wives' Tale that the journey home from a day out feels to take less time than the trip there. Psychologists have suggested this is all in the mind, but as they only deal in the mind, they would say that. Having been through...
Read full storyKatie Price has a new Willie to play with
Leaving her marital woes behind her - or Peter and the kids as they are sometimes referred to - Katie Price has taken a break from her punishing schedule of shopping, self-publicity and partying. Ms Price has now returned to her new house in a pop...
Read full storyThe Chinese Catastrophe
Disturbing reports coming out of China claim that thousands of cats are being killed every week for human consumption. I was taken undercover of darkness by Felix Chew to a killing factory in Beijing where thousands of cats were caged up without f...
Read full storyTo Bee or not to Bee
Scientists are becoming increasingly worried about the fact that Bees seem to be dying out. Over the last few years there have been less and less bees around and despite intensive research no one has been able to figure out why. Professor B Bumbl...
Read full storyThe Dot or The Snot
Robert Mugabe President of Zimbabwe has called Gordon Brown a little dot a meaningless worthless little shit. Other people prefer to call him a grotty snot due to the fact that there is plenty of footage of Brown picking his nose in public. We cau...
Read full storyThe Cliff Conundrum
For years radio stations stopped playing music by Cliff Richard which was great for people who cannot stand the stuff but not for Cliff fans. After a long campaign by Cliff fans however his music is now being played on many radio stations. Sales o...
Read full storyAll Star Game Video Shows Obama Throws Like a Girl
Scholars of the great American pastime, baseball, have been studying the All Star Game video showing United States President Barack Obama throwing out the first pitch at the star studded gala sporting event. Despite his articulate manner of speech an...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Arrives On 'Wizards...' Set With Cupcakes As She Makes Cameo
Miley Cyrus made sure she was a hit with the cast and crew of Wizards Of Waverly Place when she filmed her cameo appearance on the hit show - she arrived on set with cupcakes! How sweet, right? Hum, no. The old teenager guest stars as herself in u...
Read full storyFoxy Knoxy Inspires British Knife Crime Rise
Notorious large breasted English exchange student Amanda Fox has accomplished more than Playboy centerfold and a full eagle spread in Bladewars Illustrated this year. She has managed to be at the center of an OJ Simpson like crime investigation and b...
Read full storyJudge Sentences Chris Brown to Rihanna Spanking
Rapster extraordinaire and bully embarassment Chris Brown released a two minute video apologising for beating his musical girlfriend, Rihanna. Besides probation and community service doing garbage collection on Sesame Street the judge decided that Br...
Read full storyMalaria cures Swine Flu
[Times of India/PTI, New Delhi, July 20] It had to happen sooner or later. India has discovered a permanent cure for swine flu - malaria. "The Plasmodium malaria parasite is humankind's saviour," declared a beaming Prof C H Olera, Director of th...
Read full storyTerminally Ill Tosser In Lazarus Scenario
A wanker, who everybody thought was dead after throwing one over the knuckle in his death throes at LA Memorium Hospital, (almost completely ruining the expensive Rodeo Drive bought lacy black bra of Welsh actress from The Valleys Catherine Zeta Jone...
Read full storyOverheard at the H1N1 Conference
Announcement: FDA's Vaccines and Related Biological Products Advisory Committee Will Be Organizing a Interntional Roundtable Discussion about the H1N1 Vaccine. Date: July 23, 2009 Time: 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Location: Hilton Washington DC North/Gaithersburg, Montgomery Ballroom, 620 Perry Parkway, Gaithersburg, Maryland 20877 Agenda On July 23, 2009, the Committee will discuss...
Read full storyClinton Offers to Have Husband Help Kim Jong-Il Pick Up Chicks If He Disbands Nuclear Program
In the latest diplomatic overture from the Obama administration to the North Korean government, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered to get husband Bill Clinton to help North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il pick up women more successfully in exc...
Read full storyMarilyn Manson Denies J. Crew Shopping Spree
In a statement released early Saturday, shock-rocker Marilyn Mason denied reports that he was seen purchasing "tasteful, understated garments" at a Los Angeles J. Crew clothing store last week. Eyewitnesses told tabloid outlets that Manson, who...
Read full storyDoctors Employ Novel Approach to Avoid Lawsuits: The Truth
On the advice of their attorneys and insurance companies, doctors are now stepping forward and admitting their mistakes, hoping that a sincere apology and a couple of bucks will make multi-million dollar lawsuits magically disappear. "Folks who have...
Read full storyZeta Jones Goes Topless To Appease Terminally Ill Tosser
In her tireless quest for charitable works, human decency, and one eye on the publicity machine, Catherine Zeta Jones, wife of that old guy actor who was in 'The Streets Of San Francisco' on TV before starring in 'Romancing The Stone' on the silver s...
Read full storyStevie G v Becks At Boxing - Joey Barton Has Dibs On Winner
The Steven Gerrard to fight David Beckham saga took on a whole new twist this morning, as Joey Barton (future uncertain) challenged the winner of the Maracana Stadium 'Rumble In Rio' fight. "I'd knock 'em both out," Barton quipped. "They're both p...
Read full storyPerry Mason, the Case of the Missing Supreme Court Justice
Washington DC: Al Franken is resigning his Senate seat to play Perry Mason. The show, after a hiatus of 50 years returns to the CBS Television Network this fall. The Republican Governor of Minnesota is expected to appoint former Republican Senato...
Read full storyPentagon hacker McKinnon groomed by Cameron spin doctor Coulson?
London - (X-Files Mess): An extradition appeal hearing was told today that Pentagon cyber-hacker Gary 'Indiana' McKinnon had been groomed by Tory leader David Cameron's spin doctor Andy Coulson. McKinnon faces 100 years in the slammer if convicted...
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