In a startling decision made public today, the government of the Maldives has announced that all female virgins between the ages of nine and ninety seven will be required to participate, as victims, in public floggings to be held within the next two weeks. Maldivians, recognizing the temptations that virgins pose to the purity of their males, have determined that it must demand accountability of its females for the unholy longings of its males. Pain, bruising and degradation have been deemed to be appropriate tools to achieve this high aim.
The nation, heretofore known for its lovely beaches rather than the bruises of its womenfolk, has determined that its values must be asserted regardless of the cost to the half of the population not consulted in its plan.
This ruling is justified by opinions of Sharia courts recorded from the 7th century through the present. It is designed for the entirely praiseworthy goals of improving public morality and saving males from temptations they might be otherwise unable to resist. The government is currently requiring each virgin in the country between the specified ages to provide, at their designated appointment time, a whip, switch or cane suitable for beating.
Notifications will begin tomorrow. Virgins are urged to be prompt.
