Newcastle attack to be given more threat
An unlikely character has announced his interest in buying the Magpies. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Iran's charismatic president and self-confessed champion of the Geordies, is willing to add his financial and military might to help the boys back to their r...
Read full storyFlorida Man Claims His Cat Pussywillow Downloads Pornography
JENSEN BEACH, Florida - A 48-year-old Jensen Beach resident, Keith Griffin, was arrested and charged with 981 counts of possessing pornography. Jensen Beach police also found 47 million images on his computer and they said that about 46 million we...
Read full storySusan Boyle to stand for parliament in Totnes
Susan Boyle has announced she will be standing for parliament in the constituency of Totnes. Her agent, Mr Simon Cowell, made the following statement: "I was naturally drawn to Totnes following the Tories' shallow publicity stunt of a so calle...
Read full storyParis Hilton and Matthew Parris to merge
Paris Hilton, tabloid darling, and Matthew Parris, broadsheet columnist are to merge in the media deal of the century. Ms Paris, famous for amateur sex antics, and Mr Paris, who famously had Mrs Thatcher as his fag hag, are hoping to make history...
Read full storyTrash Talking Twit Causes Twitter Crash!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, USA Nick Cannon, the man famous mainly for being Mariah Carey's husband, inadvertently caused both Twitter and Facebook to be disrupted Thursday after posting a demand on Twitter that Eminem be punished by God for insulting his wi...
Read full storySwine Flu Now Excuse #1 For Missing Work
Companies around the United States report that "I have the Swine Flu" is now the number one excuse for employees being absent. It has replaced the time-honored, "My grandmother has passed away. I know that, but this is my other grandmother, Grandma u...
Read full storyTodd Palin Speaks Out About The 'D' Word and His Salmon Fishing Guide
WASILLA, Alaska - After listening to dozens and dozens of rumors floating around saying that he and his wife, ex-Governor Sarah Palin are getting a divorce, Todd Palin has decided to present his side of the story. First of all he said that his wif...
Read full storyRonnie Biggs dying wish to duet once more with Johnny Rotten, ex Sex Pistols, slightly deranged lead singer!
Ronny "the ex-train robber" Biggs has one last death wish, to unite once more with Johnny Rotten, ex Sex Pistols and issue a new album called "Never Mind the Fucking bollocks it wasn't me!" Johhny has already penned 10 titles and they are prese...
Read full story"G.I. Joe" Leaves Moviegoers Asking: "Where's the 'Kung-Fu Grip?"
Hollywood, California - When the new improved "G.I. Joe" with "Kung-Fu Action Grip" hit the toy store shelves in 1974, it left boys in the neighborhood stuck with their older versions of the 12-inch action figure holding their manhood cheep. So why w...
Read full story9/11 Memorial Mishap Angers NYC
MANHATTAN - Famous bell maker, James Valdez, known for his exquisite bells which hang in such places as Notre Dame de Paris and Cathedrale de Mon Deux in Normandy, was commissioned to create bronze statues of the each of the members of the NYFD who l...
Read full storyParliamentarian methane mystery deepens
Methane in Parliament is being produced and released far faster than outside of Westminster, according to analysis of recent air samples. Scientists in London used a hot air wind chamber to simulate the methane gas produced by over 600 MPs, and it...
Read full storyDennis Hopper: "I starred in the moon landing flick"
LOS ANGELES - A press conference convened at the illustrious Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, California today to feature Dennis Hopper who claims he was in on the fake moon landing video hoax. Hopper stated "I was into the slow-mo thing...
Read full storyVictoria to become poky
She gives the word skinny a whole new meaning. She totters along in skyscraper heels with her nose held high. Her bags could double as mobile homes and she consists of a skeleton with skin stretched over it. Yes you guessed it, we're talking about 00...
Read full storyJackson corpse cremated on 4 July
Los Angeles - (Arson Mess): Grandiose plans to bury Michael Jackson's corpse next to notorious Hollywood outdoor lavatory attendant 'W C' Fields lie in ruins this weekend. Joe and Katherine Jackson had earmarked the vacant Forest Lawn cemetery plo...
Read full storyAdam Lambert & Kris Allen On ABC Friday Morning As Sawyer, Champion Lose Underwear
The crowds were wild on ABC's Good Morning America this morning as recent American Idol rivals Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were joined by Teen Choice Awards 2009 Nominee, David Cook for a great performance. Too bad that those at home only got a sm...
Read full storyTwitter Crashes. People Forced To Actually Talk To Each Other!
(London-England) It happened this week, the unthinkable. Twitter, the popular micro-blogging site where users can post matters of interest in 140 characters or less, was shut down due to a denial of service plot hatched by a hacker against a Twitter...
Read full storyGreat Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, formally released from prison early today after being granted freedom on compassionate grounds, is back in custody once more after attempting another Great Train Robbery on his way home. Biggs, 79, is severely ill...
Read full storyLet Tiger Woods Fart Says Arnold Palmer
"I was amazed that the PGA would consider changing it's rules after all these years just because a certain person has trouble with his stomach when the game gets close and cuts loose a fart or two", stated golf legend, Arnold Palmer. Palmer went a...
Read full storyKevin Skinner To Tour With Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Selena Gomez
NASHVILLE - Kevin Skinner's manager, Sharon Osbourne, has just announced the upcoming Chicken Catcher Henhouse Tour. Mrs. Ozzy Osbourne said that the 42-city tour is being put on by her husband's production company, The Bats Out of Hell Entertainm...
Read full storyAmazon Explorers Discover Supermarkets Deep In Jungle
A team of intrepid explorers working deep in a previously-uncharted area of the Amazon rainforest in Brasil, had the shock of their lives this week when, instead of the lost tribe of pygmies they were looking for, they stumbled upon an even greater d...
Read full storyGeorgia preacher shoots scientist over age of socks
HIAWASSEE,GA--A Towns County Pentecostal preacher shot and critically injured a Nobel Prize Laureate in Paleobiology early Friday morning, claiming the man was the "Biblical Antichrist." Arrested, while holding the smoking deer rifle, was Bishop...
Read full storyEnglish Cricket Team kidnapped by Somali pirates
In developing news, the English cricket team, preparing to play Australia in the Fourth Ashes Test at Headingley, Leeds, has been kidnapped by Somali pirates who were touring the UK on a summer break from their desperado ways. Reports suggest tha...
Read full storyAxis of Evil-II
The "Axis of Evil", North Korea, Islamic Republic and Syria are very upset by United States of America, the spy breeder. It seems US has abandoned her metal B2, or modern drones for biologically warm spies: Roxana Saberi, Laura Ling, Euna Lee, Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd and Joshua Fattal,Clotilde Reiss, a 23-year-old French language teacher British embassy employee Hossein Rassam... Update: Clo...
Read full storyPhil Brown Happy To Have Signed SOMEONE!
Hull City manager Phil Brown today unveiled his two new 'star' signings at a Press conference at the KC Stadium, and confessed he was just pleased that he had managed to sign somebody, anybody, regardless of their skill or potential - or lack of it!...
Read full storyRihanna has only nine toes
We admire her for her smash hits in our charts such as "Umbrella" and "please Don't stop the music" but what we didn't know was that Rihanna has an ongoing battle in her life. The ability to keep her balance. The singer has come out of the woods...
Read full storyHomo erectus extinction due to lack of Viagra during Pliocene era
WASHINGTON,DC--Paleoanthropologists researching the fossil records of early man discovered the cause for the extinction of Homo erectus some 2-million years ago. The peer reviewed study will be released in this week's edition of Factitious Science M...
Read full storyGreat train robber Ronnie Biggs is freed
The Home Secretary, The Rt. Hon. Jock Strap, has today granted a pardon to the former great train robber Ronnie Biggs. Mr Strap said that Mr Biggs was free to pack his bags and leave his home for the past few months, ward 4, bed 2, (no mobiles all...
Read full storyBBC Blames Bristol Band Massive Attack for Twitter Crash
The BBC has decided that the Trip-Hop/Electronica band Massive Attack were responsible for the intentional Distributed Denial of Service assault on the Twitter website. It is thought that the band may have been attempting to stop Twitter users from...
Read full storyA Nation of No Losers
We do not let you be a loser! Your mistakes will be rewarded handsomely. When you bought clunkers that you should not have, we give you $4,000. When you had mortgage that you cannot afford, we're going to bail you out. When you lose your job, we extend your benefit. When you do not have saving, we give you free health care. When you have saving or a job, we take away your health...
Read full storyTiger Woods Fart Rule Imposed By PGA
In light of the recent revelations, the PGA Tour Judges have decided to impose the so-called "Tiger Woods Fart Rule" and add it under Section 1, Paragraph 7 "Players conduct while on the golf course." This is the section which concerns walking between a player and the hole on the green or casting a shadow across the path of the ball to the hole while on the green, etc. Whenever anyone is abo...
Read full storyLose it now, Rafa!
Rafa Benitez is reportedly on a new diet program as he's determined to be as fit as ever for the start of the season. The discipline will be crucial having in mind limited breakfast portions consisted of "...three sandwiches of fried eggs, cheese,...
Read full storySwiss Cheese Whiz Loses His Spring: Airport Security Saves His Bacon
BELP, Switzerland- Like all Swiss cheese stories, this one is filled with holes, if not made up out of whole cloth-or milk, that is. A local cheese maker was all set to send his Swiss cheese wheels to market when he discovered that a spring from o...
Read full storyKrazy Glue Caper Causes Cock-sure Consort Consternation
A 36-year-old Wisconsin man had his penis glued to his stomach with Krazy Glue Tuesday after his wife and three other women discovered he was carrying on affairs with each of them. The man's name has not been released. According to a criminal com...
Read full storyTaliban Leader Not Dead
Baitullah Mehsud, the Taliban leader, reported to have been killed by a US missile, is not dead. Mehsud is indeed well and alive and in Paris. Assistants at the Thierry Muggins haute couture maison in the French capital confirmed to our report...
Read full storyMajor Antonius Julius Argus Xerxes Part-12
o Such as what?. o Well, like I said. At least twice the value of the stolen sheep. Now, Major addressing his uncle's boss asked: o Do you have anything to say. o Major, I am as guilty as them. I did not treat you uncle humanely. I treated Yusef harshly when he came to my house in the morning, exhausted. He did not have the courage to tell me what had happened. Having heard, I lost contro...
Read full storyMahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-il go Shopping
London - Much maligned global pariah Mahmoud Ahmadinejad whose slogan to the people of Iran "It's possible and we can do it" is remarkably similar to that of President Obama's "Yes we can" was spotted vacationing in London after the last G8 summit sh...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham To Be American Idol Judge - You're Having A Laugh. Aren't You?
Unbelievable news emerging from LA indicates that failed caterwauler Victoria Beckham has been appointed as a judge on American Idol by multi-millionaire alleged slimeball Simon Cowell. Mrs Beckham will replace popular dance artiste and one time c...
Read full storyOh Che, Can You See?
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA A poster by an anonymous artist ridiculing President Barack Obama has been causing world wide controvery; the poster shows the US president posed as revolutionary Che Guevara above the caption "marxism", apparently in protest of...
Read full storyMan Busted For Keeping Chemicals Under The Sink In The Kitchen
Dramatic breaking news from Hampshire, UK as police swooped on the residence of a local man in the wee small hours, who also happens to be a contributor to satirical website TheSpoof.com. A number of jars of strange 'glowing in the dark' chemicals...
Read full storyBNP Red White and Blue Rally: Headline acts revealed
This months Red White and Blue festival by the British National Party has been muted for a long time as just another get together by nazis, closet leather clad homosexuals, uncaged animals and the sort of scum seen regularly on the terraces of Britai...
Read full storyJockie Waterstone Admits He's Really Scottish - Swears A Lot
After monopolising a forum thread and hurling vile abuse at fellow writers on popular satirical website TheSpoof.com, supposed Cockney, Jockie Waterstone was finally outed by investigative reporters and revealed not to be a 15 year old Scottish girl...
Read full story