Written by matwil

Friday, 7 August 2009

image for Parliamentarian methane mystery deepens
Prime Minister's question time at Parliament

Methane in Parliament is being produced and released far faster than outside of Westminster, according to analysis of recent air samples.

Scientists in London used a hot air wind chamber to simulate the methane gas produced by over 600 MPs, and it showed that the gas is unevenly distributed and changes with the seasons. In high summer the methane is almost non-existent, especially during July, but as the year moves towards autumn the gaseous output begins a phenomenal rise, as it also does after a brief lull at Christmas, peaking in the spring during April.

The presence of methane in Parliament is intriguing, because its origin could either be the vast amounts of hot gas emanating from politicians' mouths there, or emanations from their rear ends due to MPs spending hours every day eating and drinking expensive subsidised food and drink in the Members' Pigsty Restaurants.

Writing in the French journal Natural Gas, Professors Frank Lefartre and Francois Forget-Expens'Claims put forward the controversial theory that MPs only really exist to produce methane gas, as they clearly serve no other useful function, unless eating, drinking, stealing taxpayers' money and lying are useful functions, but this was denied by Prime Minister Sir Gayborn Drowning.

'I deny it totally and utterly, Parliament exists for the very reason that we, the constituents and the electorate, the public and the public servants, in service to the ...', but reporters had to leave the interview at this point to get some fresh air, and to warn people not to use any cigarette lighters until Sir Gaybore had stopped producing methane in the building.

But then many had to leave Westminster altogether when Tory leader David Cameron appeared on his methane-powered bike. 'Let me just say this', he began saying, as clouds of methane began appearing all around him, 'under THIS government there waffle waffle waffle, blah blah blah tax cuts, waffle whiffle waffle, full investigation into MPs' expenses, blah blah blah don't mention British soldiers dieing in Afghanistan for opium to please Americans, zzz zzz zzz, blandest Tory leader since the last bland nobody, waffle waffle waffle waffle ...'

'I think you will find', Professor Lefartre said from his laboratory in Camembert-sur-le-Plat, 'that this proves, er, that this proves that les politiciennes Anglais sont le manufactureurs des seulement metane. In other words, they only exists to make the hot smelly wind. On a bad day we can smell the Rosbifs' gases from here in la belle France! C'est encroyable, les Anglais sont le merdes de la monde, how you British does not have a revolution and cut off the heads of your stinking MPs is very strange.'

'They steal your money, they fight illegally wars for America, they lie and cheat and do nothing except lie around eating the food and the drinking all the day longer. Maybe they wishes they were French! But at least we do not fight wars to make les Americaines look the tough guys, oh no no no no no, by the Holy Mouses of Roquefort!'

Minister of Pollution Sir Henry Boron-Sulphide declined to comment, but will make a statement from the House of Commons about the mystery just as soon as the area has been cleared of near-fatal methane gas. Which should be in about 200 years' time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Parliament, Mars, Methane

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