Refilling empty Maddie coffers our top priority McCanns tell Oprah
New York - (Praia Da Illuzion Mess): Little Maddie McCann's parents are to go on the Oprah Winfrey show next week to replenish the depleted bank accounts that have sustained the entirely useless Metodo-3 (Portuguese for 'The Third Way', © Bill C...
Read full storySo which Russian Oksana screwed over Mel Gibson's marriage?
Bloodyvostock - (Bolshevik Ass Mess): "Sure as hell it wasn't that fat pimple-butt slag Oksana Nalesnikova (tr. Oksana Pancake)," a livid Oksana Pochepa yelled at Russian TV crews today as yet more tall, blonde, tanned, leggy Russian models (sic), al...
Read full story97 years later Titanic iceberg still at large
Halifax, Nova Scotia-Ninety-seven years after the R.M.S. Titanic was struck by an iceberg in the north Atlantic Ocean, sinking the ship and killing 1,527 passengers, the massive frozen "island" still roams free today. On the night of April 14, 1912 t...
Read full storyNew shame for G20 Police as new footage released
Even more shameful video footage of Police behaviour during the G20 protests was released today causing further controversy. The new footage appears to show members of the Police pulling members of the public's hair, giving wedgies (some atomic),...
Read full storyThe Real Reason Mel Gibson's Wife Is Divorcing Him
SYDNEY, Australia - The media is reporting that Robyn Gibson is divorcing Mel, her husband of 28 years, due to irreconcilable differences. Mrs. Gibson sat down with Breezy Hooberry, a reporter for The Sydney Morning Down Under Times and said that...
Read full storyJade Goody Sentenced To Life Imprisonment
There was concern today that the courts may be misinterpreting new sentencing guidelines. In one case Jade Goody was sentenced to life imprisonment for crimes against the English language. She is expected to serve her sentence somewhere in Essex.
Read full storyGooglemail
Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts? Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email. So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard then I'm going to be forced to bone Carlos the pool boy."...
Read full storySocial Security: Will The Old Fart Keep Going?
The U.S. Social Security program is ready to turn 75 years old within months. The system, which has no money, just pieces of paper saying the Government is good for it, went bankrupt before current workers ever saw benefits from it but receive a m...
Read full storyComplaints "Flood In" Over Talent Show
The 'talent show' Britain's Got Talent has seen a 'large' number of complaints regarding its latest broadcast. On the show one act, Miss Brenda Windsor, stripped in front of the panel. She hoped that by displaying her....talents that she would contin...
Read full storyNew middle of the road BBC channel to launch
The BBC have announced that they will be launching a TV channel dedicated to programmes such as 'My Family', 'The Vicar of Dibley', 'No 1 Ladies Detective Agency' and 'All the Small Things'. The channel, to be named 'BBC Twee', will contain all of...
Read full storySydney Reopens Drug "Shooting Gallery", Suicide Center
In Sydney, Australia, it's back to sponsoring it's legal "shooting gallery" - a safe indoor place for addicts to inject drugs. This was tried several years back and ended in a complete shamble as druggies ran riot. Not just content with "shooting...
Read full storyWoody Allen Sex Life Slammed By American Apparel
A clothing company known for its pretty racy ads in magazines & television is fighting a ten million dollar lawsuit brought by Woody Allen, arguing that it can't have damaged his wonderful reputation by using his image because the film director h...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent Singer Susan Boyle Signed to Music Contract
Suprise You-Tube superstar Susan Boyle has apparently been signed this afternoon to a multi-million pound recording contract following her performance on Saturday's "Britain's Got Talent" show. Following the massive popularity of the singer since...
Read full storyObama - "Microsoft is a threat to US National Security!"
Microsoft computer scientists have set a new world record at sending an inanimate wooden cube shaped object through thin air using the revolutionary technology of quantum teleportation. The team of scientists, based at Microsoft's Tijuana, Mexico...
Read full storySuprise Twist in most recent episode of "The Apprentice"
Fans of the hit show "The Apprentice" are reeling today as the latest episode of the show saw a surprise and emotional ending. During the final "boardroom" scenes in which Sir Alan Sugar was hearing from the 3 members of the losing team about who...
Read full storyRichard Curtis penning sequel to hit "Boat" movie, set in Somali Seas
Richard Curtis, purveyor of wonderful romantic comedies is already writing a sequel to his recent hit film "The Boat that Rocked" his agent revealed today. In a move away from the North Sea setting of the first movie however, the sequel is believe...
Read full storyPakistan is renamed as Talibanistan
United Nation and Islamabad (Associated Press of Taliban): On April 15th, Pakistan applied to United Nation to rename it self as Terrorist Republic of Talibanistan. Ending 61 year old tradition where Pakistan prided itself calling themselves as Pakis...
Read full storyVagina sues its owner
Seeking at least $25,000 in damages, and immediate PPO, Priscilla Pharnsworth's vagina filed suit against her in New York's Federal District Court today. Alleging, inter alia, abuse, slavery, negligence, interstate flight to get fucked, alienatio...
Read full storyStudy reveals 95% of the U.S. population have already died
"By the time I knew about it, it was too late." - Those are the words of Roger Ford, resident of Tuscaloosa, South Carolina, who recently participated in a study supported by the National Institute of Health about the most common causes of death in...
Read full storyMonkey Woods remakes the hit 1901 song 'COON! COON! COON!'
Dudley racial chauvinist Mr Monkey Woods of 14-Words Terrace, is set to jettison into the Hit Parade with a remake of an early twentieth century musical hall classic. Football fan and Spoof writer Monkey Woods, believes the song will make him million...
Read full story16 Reasons You Think Your Date Is Not Going All That Well
16. "Hey, Humble Boy, my face is up here. Those don't talk." 15. Apparently can't recall your name because she keeps referring to you as "Bachelor #666". 14. She fails to laugh at your favorite restaurant joke, the old mustard mustache. 13. While your windshield is being squeegeed, she says "Give him a good tip, he's my Ex." 12. First thing she says when she sees you is "Great, what is...
Read full storyMichael Jackson's Mementos Go Under the Hammer
Some call it a Freak Show, some call it a Treasure Chest - either way, Michael Jackson's mementos are going under the hammer this Saturday at the Beverley Hills Community Centre in Beverley Hills, CA. Proceeds are to go to the starving children of B...
Read full storyGordon Brown: Economic Kick Start 'Doomed to Failure'
Gordon Brown accepted today that his various attempts to kick-start the economy were probably doomed to failure. He said he was convinced the individual ideas were fine, but kick-starting was a really bad name for it. "Kick-starting nearly always...
Read full storyGlitter Converts to Islam, Moves to Saudi
In a statement released through his solicitors today, disgraced former glam rocker Gary Glitter has announced that he is renouncing his old ways and has found God. Glitter, whose real name is Paul Gadd and who has served prison sentences both in t...
Read full storyMan Caught Buying Years For Money
A man has been caught by police offering to buy years in exchange for money. Throughout history, vast numbers of children have fallen for the lure of such comparatively large wealth and some have sold much of their life to the man, who says that h...
Read full storyPolice Hire Mourinho for Tactics Review
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson has called for a review of tactics in the wake of the protests at the G20 summit. The Met has hired former Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho as a Special Adviser, to help them tighten up the areas ide...
Read full storyJamie Foxx Urges Miley Cyrus To "Make Sex Tape" And Grow Up!
Jamie Foxx launched a crude attack on teen sensation Miley Cyrus on his Sirius satellite radio show, saying: "Make a sex tape and grow up!" Shades of Don Imus! Apparently Foxx thinks that Paris Hilton is the "Norm" these days. So is he getti...
Read full storyThe Spoof announces a Jade Goody-free day
The Spoof.com today announced it was going to hold a Jade Goody-free day. After months of being saturated by article after article about the non-star the non-star died, and yet months later The Spoof still kept producing article after article about t...
Read full storyTwo teams play a football match
Today in England two football teams played a football match, and at the end of the 90 minutes there was a result. 'I can't believe it', one of the team's managers said, 'just shows you it's a funny old game. You never can tell, can you?' And the o...
Read full storyVincent van Gogh
Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives? Amee Gogh -- His Mexican cousin. Bing Gogh -- His game playing great-uncle Bong Gogh -- His drum playing brother Can't Gogh -- the uncle who was constipated. Chica Gogh -- The cousin from Illinois. Day Gogh -- His Italian uncle. E. Gogh -- his nephew the Freudian psycho-...
Read full storyObama speaks out on toenails
US President Barack Obama today gave firm support to cutting your toenails regularly, as well as brushing your teeth at least twice a day. 'Let us not sound like Kennedy', he said, not sounding like Kennedy, 'let us not sound like Martin Luther Ki...
Read full storyOld cars contain Red Mercury, Government says.
The Government has announced that cars that are over ten years old 'most probably' contain Red Mercury, a substance that many scientists say does not exist. But it is widely thought that it can be used to find treasure, ward off evil spirits or even...
Read full storyNumber Ten Feels More Pressure
Within days of the high profile resignations of Bob Quick and Damian McBride, Downing Street has been rocked yet again by scandal. Mr McBride resigned after the discovery of emails he had send in which he made unfounded accusations about Conserva...
Read full storyTools, as you really know them!
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying. Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls a...
Read full storyLondon's guns 'are fighting other guns at night'
As London's police attempt to crack down on escalating levels of gun violence, horrific new evidence has emerged showing that the capital's weapons are taking the law into their own hands - by fighting each other in parks, late at night. Grain...
Read full storyJohn Wayne AKA "The Duke" to be defrosted
In a controversial move, John Wayne's family has released a statement this morning stating that former actor and darling of classic western films is to be defrosted. Wayne was accidentally frozen back in 1979 when he locked himself in a freezer ro...
Read full storyBarack Obama's schedule for 2009
Barack Obama's schedule for 2009. Will be doing these: * smiling a lot * using cutesy animals for cheap nauseating publicity stunts * taking himself very seriously * making speeches about absolutely nothing in tones that imply that he's making important speeches about world affairs * hinting at skin pigmentation being important, when no-one outside America cares about it * acting as if...
Read full storyIdiot Sightings - Be Careful Out There!
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Fou...
Read full storyActor Arthur Swenson to play Klink in Hogans Heros Film
Actor Arthur Swenson has been cast in a Hogans Heros Film. Swenson's stellar acting in the block buster film Recon 7 Down, in which Swenson played Rommel. Arthur Swenson was the main factor to even attempt a new take on Hogans Heros. A search...
Read full storyJack Tweed to Remarry
Jade Goody's widower Jack Tweed is to remarry following a whirlwind romance, I can exclusively reveal. Tweed, 21, was jailed yesterday for 12 weeks following his conviction for a brutal assault on a cab driver. However, in a statement released thr...
Read full storyZac Efron's Reasons for holding off marrage to 3 year relationship to Vanessa Hudgens
I sat down with Zac Efron before the premier of "17 Again," and asked him his top ten reasons he doesn't want to marry girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens because in a former interview he claimed that he doesn't want to get married until 40 or maybe never. Zac: Well I never said I never wanted to marry Vanessa its just you never know where the future is going to take you. VB: So what are your top ten...
Read full storyFBI Release Image of Somali Pirate Leader
Following a second attack on a US-flag merchant vessel by Somali pirates, the FBI have released an e-fit image of the man they say is the leader of the pirate gangs. The man, known only as 'H', has reportedly been placed at #3 on the US Ten Most W...
Read full storyG20 Protests: Second Officer Suspended
Another Metropolitan Police officer has been suspended today amid allegations of misconduct during the G20 protests. The officer, believed to be a sergeant in the TSG, is being investigated following accusations that he was polite and civil toward...
Read full storyLiverpool awarded 2009 Champions League Cup!
In a sensational and unprecedented move last night UEFA announced that they have decided to award Liverpool this year's Champions League. Speaking after Liverpool's heroic and tragic 7-5 aggregate defeat to Chelsea, UEFA President Michel Platini s...
Read full storyG20 Karate Cop Smacks a Bitch
A Met police officer policing the G20 demonstrations earlier this month has been branded "Karate Cop" after his violent antics were caught on camera. In a statement, the Karate Cop was quoted as saying "I had to smack a bitch today cos she got out...
Read full storyVatican Rejects Caroline Kennedy
Sources close to the Vatican and the Obama administration have disclosed that Caroline Kennedy has been found unacceptable by the Vatican as the US ambassador to the Holy See. Rumours have flown across the Atlantic and back speculating on the suppose...
Read full storyTed Kennedy Gives Alcoholic Dog to the First Family
Bo the new black dawg in the White House reportedly kept the first black family awake for most of his first week in his new home. The Obamas tried blanket wrapped alarm clocks, a rocking cradle that belonged to Caroline Kennedy's pony and a list...
Read full storyBritish Immigrant Rodney King Beaten by Beefeaters at G-20
Infamous US police brutality victim and perennial drunk driver Rodney King surfaced last week as a immigrant to the UK. King was reportedly just minding his own business while driving totally blotto into a crowd of G-20 demonstrators. British police...
Read full storyCosta Rican Monkey Mates with Blago's Hairdo on Reality show
Former Governor, potential jailbird and soon to be Jungle Reality Show Guide, Rod Blagovitch became the amorous target of a Costa Rican monkey's affections. While on location in the Central American rain forest, shooting test episodes of a jungle rea...
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