Wednesday, 15 April 2009

As London's police attempt to crack down on escalating levels of gun violence, horrific new evidence has emerged showing that the capital's weapons are taking the law into their own hands - by fighting each other in parks, late at night.

Grainy mobile phone footage has been captured of hundreds of firearms thundering around Hyde Park, shooting aimlessly at the wind, and each other. Mr Kew Fiddle, of Surbiton, was thinking about things in Hyde Park last week when he heard a rustle in the bushes.

"I saw a water pistol being mercilessly attacked by a cannon," he said. "It was left broken, and not a little shabby. I then saw the cannon try and take on an AK47, which ended badly for both parties."

Mr Fiddle covertly filmed the firearm fracas for 20 minutes, during which time he saw two machine guns cavort merrily around the park with a terrified rifle being dragged behind them, and an antique musket systematically assault over 43 paintballing guns. At one point, he heard a blunderbuss beg for mercy, only for it to be left irreparably damaged by a crazed shotgun.

"They were really going for it," Mr Fiddle added. "I felt sorry for the catapults, who had obviously been invited for a joke, and who didn't know what they were letting themselves in for."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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