Today in England two football teams played a football match, and at the end of the 90 minutes there was a result.
'I can't believe it', one of the team's managers said, 'just shows you it's a funny old game. You never can tell, can you?' And the other manager said: 'I'm gutted, the last thing I expected was 22 players playing the game, passing the ball about and heading it, and trying to score goals. It was certainly very exciting, but at the end of the day it was only a football match.'
Already the FA have launched an inquiry into the incident, and their chief executive Sir Heinrich Spoiler said: 'Teams just playing a football match and it ending in a result have become too common in recent years, and we are trying to take this out of the game.'
'New guidelines are being drawn up to ensure that match officials can penalise teams if they only pass and dribble and tackle, and players will be yellow-carded if they don't break into song and dance routines or make wisecracks about the US military at least once every fifteen minutes.'
'And a tackle inside the box without being followed by a Michael Jackson moonwalk, or at least a mention of Madonna, will be an instant red card offence. We are confident such measures will prevent football matches from just being simple games of football.'
But Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez disagreed with the FA. 'If only the game against Chelsea had simply been 90 minutes of football, I'd be happy. But the pantomime antics and diving of Drogba, our goalie letting in two goals deliberately, and the endless inferiority complex of English commentators, going on and on about the two English players out of 22 players in the squads, neither player being any good, made me wish the game was as mind-numbingly basic and bland as a news report on a League Two match.'
Lorraine Chase will sign for Liverpool next week.