Dudley racial chauvinist Mr Monkey Woods of 14-Words Terrace, is set to jettison into the Hit Parade with a remake of an early twentieth century musical hall classic. Football fan and Spoof writer Monkey Woods, believes the song will make him millions and put uppity darkies in their rightful place - back on the plantation.
'Woods has Darkie friends claim'
Woods, 36 give or take a few years stated "It's like this yow sees. If I'se walking down y'am street wiv me wife and babby, dese modern nig-nogs don't give us any respect. Years ago dey would of had to shine me shoes and follow it up with a little shuffle dance. I'm not a racialist mind yow. One of me neighbours is a lovely Asian family Mr and Mrs Paki Gunga Din, lovely people dey is. Never talk to them mind yow"
'Woods is part Chinese claim'
Wearing the trademark knotted hanky on his head and his world famous 'Enoch was white, right and out of sight' t-shirt, Mr Woods droned on in a disquietly unpleasant accent about his freckles, ginger pubes and touching himself discretely on short bus journeys.
'Woods hates everybody say his dearest friends claim'
Finally aware we had tired of his 'how many niggers does it take to change a light bulb jokes', Woods of no fixed abode or IQ finally discussed his song."Yow see I'se given it a modern feel and I've put sum of dat rap in the choon , so even the coons will like it, dey will".
'Woods once ate a curry claim'
Our Reporter was given a sneak preview of Mr Woods song, but was 'defecatingly' shocked. As the the entire song -including all three verses and chorus consisted of Monkey Woods repeatedly shouting the word 'Coon' over a Karoke version of 'Land of Hope and Glory.'
'Woods was violently sick after the curry claim'
Disturbed by the aggressive delivery of the song our reporter accused Mr Woods of being a confirmed xenophobe,who was using the song as a platform to shout 'Coon' in a faint-hearted public attempt to air his scatalogical views about his sambo brethren. With this Monkey Woods sprung up from his chair,saluted to an imaginary picture of the Queen Mum 'God Bless her', revealed his Union Jack white fronts and invited our reporter to run a school nurse's lice comb through his flaxen pubic hair.
'Woods watched Trevor MacDonald read the news claim'
"I'm clean I'se got no bugs down there. More than I can say for Johnny foreigner- dirty Darkies the lot of them. I sat next to one on the bus once and she was foul - I wouldn't tup 'er. She even stopped me having me early morning furtive pull " mumbled the Dudley man in an atrocious, incomprehensible, machine-gun speed, vocal delivery.
'Woods finds both Barrack and Michelle Obama highly attractive claim'
Not wishing to become embroiled in a racial fracas, our reporter left Mr Woods in his Union jack draws, hobbling down Dudley High street holding a three foot Golliwog in his arms screaming " Look, I'm Madonna, love me, I've got a Sambo Baby. Smell me finger, smell me finger, it's been up me bum, and smells of me - 100% British Prime Beef!"
'Woods whistled at a Thai ladyboy claim'
Coon! Coon! Coon! is to be released as a CD single in two weeks time on the Archie Bunker- Alf Garnett, Rivers of Blood Label £4.99 Advanced orders of fifty, will guarantee the Dudley Proof Writer a number two place in the UK charts. Two places higher than his last choon "It seemed to me, you lived your life wearing burkas on the bus"