Vagina sues its owner

Funny story written by freezer101

Wednesday, 15 April 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Vagina sues its owner
Priscilla's vagina resting comfortably after judge signs PPO, personal protection order.

Seeking at least $25,000 in damages, and immediate PPO, Priscilla Pharnsworth's vagina filed suit against her in New York's Federal District Court today.

Alleging, inter alia, abuse, slavery, negligence, interstate flight to get fucked, alienation, indifference, assault & battery, and discrimination, authorities believe it to be the first lawsuit of its kind in U.S. history, and possibly may evolve into a trend by vaginas nationwide.

In an exclusive interview, I was able to speak with Ms. Pharnsworth's vagina to ascertain what was happening, and why such drastic action had been taken against its owner.

"I just can't, can't, OMG, can't take it anymore," the vagina weeped. "You - just - can't - don't - know - what - I've - been through with - this tramp," it sobbed. "Every frickin' damn morning when she wakes it's off to the toilet we go, and where I get a good hosing down from pee, and after, she doesn't even wipe! When she craps, my gag-reflex kicks in because I know she is going to wipe my asshole neighbor off with the toilet paper by first starting at the rear, and moving toward me! For Christ's sake, I end up with a huge, smelly skid mark that lasts a couple of days, or until she decides to show up near a shower somewhere," the vagina complained.

"When we get back in bed, she's got this drunken moron she dragged home from the local bar who smells like 40 square miles of fermented goose shit. Almost every night I say to myself: Oh fuck, here we go again. I've got to put up with another toilet-mouthed, rotten beaver-toothed drunken idiot, whose going to end up trying to suck out the entire contents of Priscilla's abdominal cavity through my crack hole. Frickin' slimy slobber all over me, mixed with chewing tobacco, Mad Dog 20/20, and the dudes are very, very gross, nasty, and intolerable," it gaggingly complained.

I understand your concern with regard to hygiene, and such but why not reach out to your owner before risking more bad feelings? I reasoned. "Because the bitch is a felonious sewer slut, that's why," it shot back. "If she doesn't have some drunken homeless dude in bed with her every night, then she breaks out her frickin' jackhammer dildo, and goes to work on me like she's actually busting up cement, the dumb cunt," it went on. "Ever see a person with a black eye? Well, by time this chamber tramp gets done with the jackhammer, my "hooded rat" has a black eye the size of a dart board, with bumps, scratches, and bruises all over. How can I protect myself from this flagrant abuse?" It complained. "She doesn't care for me," it started sobbing again. "And lest I forget, Priscilla has discriminated against me for failing to add "flavor" to my dismally storied sex life. And it is always the same Mexican or Caucasian mini-peckers. Where's the frickin' black beef?" it demanded.

After hearing the abused vagina's story, I was saddened by the horror of it all. Oh, the humanity! A vagina trapped inside a pair of drawers with roasted skid marks as company, and smelling like the inside of a camel's ass, forced to submit to all types of physical and verbal abuse, while the owner waxes oblivious to the taxing trials, tribulations, travails, and taunts of her own tattered twat. A vagina forced to endure the slobbering, sliding, and salacious sucking of slovenly sods with their pathologically poking peckers, ponderously prodding, piercing, pummeling, prodigiously pounding, and impaling a defenseless, hopeless, and helpless pussy.

When done with the interview, I looked at Priscilla, and her vagina in a different light, hoping that justice would prevail for the distraught and abused pudgy dugout. In this day and age there is absolutely no reason for a vagina to be abused like this, unless the pussy specifically consents to the acts. That is why the more forceful, and outspoken camel-toed vaginas have formed an organization that will be pleading with other similarly situated vaginas to come forward, and join their lawsuit so the court can certify this a class-action vaginal affair.

Vaginas from the following ethnic groups are encouraged to join the suit: Twats, cunts, slits, beavers, pussies, kitties, zippers, cracks, hooded rats, men-in-the-boats, more camel toes, fish, lobsters, Frigidaires, humps, lips, holes, ovens, penis garages, pipe chaseways, split-tails, and nappy dugouts.

Later that day when I made a restroom call in the courthouse, written on the wall over a urinal was a response to the recent vaginal retaliation. It said: "Yea, as I walk through the valley of the shadow of vaginas, I will fear no vagina. My rod and ego are my vagina slayers, and my staff gets stiff to put into the valley of the vaginas to make them shut up."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more