Conjoined Twins To Be Born To Conjoined Parents
A closely-guarded secret was revealed in a news conference today, when the parents of the as-yet unborn conjoined twins in Shropshire, told the gathered members of the world's Press that they too are conjoined! Richard and Sally Goebbels, of Shrew...
Read full storyResearch Finds That Broke People Don't Worry About Internet Fraud
Researchers in Edmonton, Alberta have found, contrary to their beliefs, that broke ass people do not worry about getting scammed on internet banking websites, internet shopping websites, and the like. They could give a flying fuck, it turns out.
Read full storyParis Hilton - "Bookie" lost in Freak Wave Tragedy
In an all too familiar tragedy, Paris Hilton's small yellow bucket was yesterday claimed by a freak wave at the star's Bognor Regis hideaway. "Fuck it, not another bucket", fumed Herbert Squish, of the Beach Toy Protection League, "How many times...
Read full storyAlistair Darling Unveils Latest Credit Crunch Gamble
Chancellor Alistair, Darling has today unveiled the government's latest plan which he says is needed to save the UK from a deep and long-lasting recession - he will invest more government money on the National Lottery. The National Lottery, says D...
Read full storyLose 175 Pounds in 2 Days!
The miracle diet made famous by Hollywood celebrities is now being released to the public and it is guaranteed to remove 175 to over 200 pounds of useless fat in as little as 5 days. Using the proven and tested techniques outlined in the offer below...
Read full storyGordon Ramsay Is Innocent
Following a string of lurid allegations in the Sunday tabloids that top TV sweary celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been conducting a clandestine seven year sex affair with a writer called Sarah Symonds, who we've personally never even heard of, a lea...
Read full storyArsenal Name New Captain
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has acted swiftly to fill the captain's position after the farcical William Gallas shenanigans last week, by installing Portsmouth manager Tony Adams as skipper. Adams played for the Gunners for his entire career from...
Read full storyBritish Muslims Banned from Riding Buses
Multiculti, England - First the British nanny state instructed its obese and slovenly subjects to do Pilates exercises at bus stops. Then Malaysian Muslim officials issued a fatwa forbidding yoga because of its corrupting Hindu influences. Hence the...
Read full storyHouse Of Horrors - Police Search Continues
Burnley, Lancashire, 5 minutes ago. - As the world's press gathered outside a modest semi detached house on the outskirts of this Lancashire mill town, a succession of grim faced police officers entered, left, then re-entered, sometimes carrying sini...
Read full storyRunaway Train Out Of Control Admits Railtrack
The much reported runaway train, last seen coming over the hill and blowing, is actually out of control, Railtrack admitted moments ago. The train has been running away all over the rail network for almost four hours now, causing widespread disrup...
Read full storyCow Jumps Over the Moon - Dog Laughs to see such fun
China sent it's first cow into space last night and at 3am local time it soared over our nearest and dearest celestial neighbor - the Moon. The cow, named Moe Inge, was photographed from the Hubble telescope performing a balletic display of moveme...
Read full storyWhy Won't Anybody Take Me Seriously?
This was the question that a man with a really high pitched squeaky voice posed to reporters in a branch of Jock Donald's near Marble Arch. The anguished looking man spoke intelligently, articulately, and passionately, stating that people simply w...
Read full storyEntrepreneur To Open Kebab Van At Everest Base Camp
Entrepreneur, Ali Bullo yesterday announced plans to open a kebab van at Mount Everest Base Camp. Ali Bullo, 36, originally from Turkey but currently residing in Hounslow unveiled his ambitious plan at a meeting of the British Mountaineering Associat...
Read full storyNarcoleptic BASE Jumper In Near Disaster
BASE jumper Eddie 'The Kestrel' Lyons-Bowe of Stranraer, Scotland almost came a cropper whilst executing a 2000 foot jump off the Burdenoshtiburden Cliffs into a Norwegian fjord. Eddie The Kestrel was filming an ad for a Japanese electronics corp...
Read full storyThe book "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" to be banned as part of the Obama stimulus package and economic recovery plan
New York, New York - Not taking the First Amendment of the Constitution lightly, Barack Obama announced today in a joint press conference and in a simultaneous podcast on YouTube with Vice President-elect Joe Biden his intentions to ban the book "How...
Read full storyChancellor cuts VAT rate to Zero
In a dramatic bid to stimulate the British economy, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Right Reverend Dr Lord Sutch has decided to make a decision and cut the rate of VAT to zero. Speaking from an orange crate on the corner of Hyde Park this mor...
Read full storyCommunal Leaving Card Message Undergoes Third Rewrite
Panic and writers' block engulfed Systems Analyst Tony Walton yesterday, as he was handed a communal leaving card for Susan Chambers - a longtime colleague at computer software firm Infobiztec. "Everyone else had written all these heartfelt or ef...
Read full storyArry takes Spurs to a new level!
Arry is happy and plans to stay happy. The ex West Ham, Bournemouth, Portsmouth, Southampton (did we mention Portsmouth?) icon has got Spurs back on track. Traditionally Spurs have enjoyed regular periods of inconsistency and the most fickle fans...
Read full storyNorth Dakota and South Dakota To Merge Into One State
BISMARCK, North Dakota - The downward-spiraling economy has truly had an adverse affect on everyone and everything. CNN is reporting that due to the nation's economic woes the states of North Dakota and South Dakota have decided to merge into one...
Read full storyObamas to Whitewash White House with Anal Bleach
Sphincter, Ohio - After their recent tour of the White House with George and Laura Bush, Barack and Michelle Obama have decided to whitewash the White House with anal bleach before they take occupancy. "Out with the old, in with the new," said Michelle. "After eight years, that white trash has really trashed the place, top to bottom." "The exterior hasn't looked this bad since the British tr...
Read full storyFootballer had a previous life
Sunderland midfielder Andy Reid believes in reincarnation! "Like most people I have my faith, but I never really thought about things too deeply " he said. "However, I just know I have been here before. It's a bit spooky and hard to explain but I...
Read full storyPalace footmen ready to send Puppet Monarch's ashes to her real life spouse George Herbert Bush
London - (Sieg Heil! Mess): They're stoking the furnaces at Windsor Crem this week ahead of Hellfire Club predictions that Old Fatty Mountbatten won't be able to take Alistair Darling's latest credit crunch shocker. Last week it was revealed the...
Read full storyObama Claims He Has Bigger Penis Than Any Previous President
President Elect Barack Obama, in a candid moment at a Washington D.C. bar, claimed that he has a bigger penis than anyone else ever elected to the office. When told that this was not fully verifiable for the dead presidents, Obama said, "Maybe not a...
Read full storyUK is bankrupt Chancellor tells Commons
London - (Third Reich Mess): A massive neo-Nazi New Slave Labour Party confidence trick is responsible for bankrupting the economy UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was expected to tell the House of Commons today. Prime Monster Gorgo...
Read full storyBill Richardson Tapped For Secretary of Commerce
When Gary Johnson was Governor of the State of New Mexico, the ecomony within the state was thriving. There was a balanced budget. There was no state debt. There was a state surplus. Shortly after his successor, Bill Richardson took over, he in...
Read full storyHistorians Determine that Titanic Actually Struck Hillary Clinton
In 1912, the Titanic struck and iceberg on the ship's maiden voyage and sank, causing the deaths of over 1000 people. Historians, working with a team of divers, have discovered that the ship did not strike just "any old iceberg." Instead, the liner...
Read full storySenator Hillary Clinton Authors Legislation to Make Secretary of State First in Line of Succession
Still Senator Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama's nominee for Secretary of State, has written legislation to make that office first in line for succession to the Presidency in the event of the President's death. Currently, the constitution says that t...
Read full storyBush Administration rescues Sordid Prince Alwaleed's ShittyGroup
Off-the-Wall-Street, NY - (Sordid Fat Cat Ass Mess): Weeks of diplomatic misery-stirring by Sordid Arabia's Prince Alwaleed has resulted in a US Treasury $326 billion cash injection into troubled Off-the-Wall-Street lender ShittyGroup. Alwaleed, 6...
Read full storyGorgon Ramsey caught in liaison with Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie
London - (F-Word! Mess): Foul mouthed TV chef Gorgon Ramsey has been seen together with Russell Brand's infamous bimbo Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie. The couple were snapped by paparrazi at a Soho sex shop where they bought two dozen bottles of...
Read full storyDarwin Awards
This year's Darwin awards have been given out in Malibu. The Darwin Awards are given (posthumously) to those members of society who thoughtfully remove themselves from the gene-pool via inventive and incomprehensibly stupid ways. Third place went...
Read full storyAltona, Illinois Man Found Dead Near Masonic Hall
The body of Leeroy "Belcher" Bleecher, 25, of Altona was found just outside the Masonic Hall Sunday and concerned citizens of this small Illinois town are demanding that Sheriff Grover Giddy "do something..anything" to find out what caused this trage...
Read full storyBig Three Stuff America's Bird
Washington,DC The big three automakers along with the union representing the workers of them, have successfully stuffed America. The gaping financial carcass of America lay spread while Ford, Chrysler, GM and UAW, spread the boney thighs and stuf...
Read full storySpace shuttle lands in Georgia
In dramatic events today, the NASA space shuttle Discovery landed in Tbilisi the capital of Georgia, the former Soviet republic. Space administrators in Houston Texas revealed that a fault in Discovery's radar navigation system lead to it confusi...
Read full storyStupidity Gene Found
Boston, Ma: MIT microbiologist and dna genealogist, Professor Gene Spleen has apparently found, what he referred to as, 'the stupid gene'. Professor Spleen's research indicates every human's basic 'stupidness' can be traced back to a single domin...
Read full storyHillary Looking Forward To Secretary Of State Position
Washington DC-- Hillary Clinton was very excited over the weekend. She received the nod from Barack Obama to become the nation's next Secretary of State. The dim-witted senator from New York was a little uncertain about her new job responsibilities though, and spoke with the BBBC about her feelings. "I'm a little scared about the new job. I know a little shorthand and filing and stuff. I ca...
Read full storyThe development of a new programming language
I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It's called Algor. There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton. Pe...
Read full storyThe difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and...
Read full storySir Trevor McDonald To Host New ITV Show 'Strictly Come Newsreading'
Veteran newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has made his last appearance as co-presenter of ITV's News at Ten, but, in the biggest shock of the day, he has been offered a new contract presenting ITV's new show, Strictly Come Newsreading. Sir Trevor, 79...
Read full storyPope and Janice Dickinson to Marry!
After being out of the jungle for just over a year now Janice Dickinson has been out of the spotlight, but now she's back in it again. After being in contact with the pope for three months now Janice has accepted his marriage proposal. The Pope th...
Read full storyAll the Celebrities Got Out of There
The worst weather to hit Australia since settlement by Europeans has affected the hit ITV reality show, I'm A Celebrity. "It's not stopped raining," said Ant. "It's like a monsoon," added Dec. One of the two original two camps had to be aba...
Read full storyWhitby Whiteout
Whitby in north Yorkshire was brought to a standstill on Saturday as five inches of snow fell in the space of an hour. Fans travelling for the FA Trophy match in Whitby were caught by surprise. "I came over the hill above Whitby and it was like lo...
Read full storyLights go out
Shocking news from the UK energy market have suggested that Britain could run out of electricity within ten years if something is not done quickly. "Britain is set to lose fifty percent of its capacity to generate power within ten years," a consul...
Read full storyVatican forgives Gay remark
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican's newspaper (The Godly Times) has forgiven Hugh Grunt for declaring that Catholic Priests were more gay than George Michael, calling the remark a "boast of an fu****g arsehole" by a old man grappling with fame. The comm...
Read full storyAspartame Approved for Hospital Food
DENVER - The FDA, AMA, FFA, FAA, EPA, and CIA all approved today the use of unlimited amounts of aspartame for hospital meals. "I want it to snow aspartame in there", quipped CIA Director, Killim Quleenum, refering to hospitals throughout America.
Read full storyRussian Warships Bomb Venezuela
CARACAS, Venezuela - What was supposed to have been a Russian naval exercise in Venezuelan waters has turned ugly. Three Russian warships, 'The RS Caviar Countess,' 'The RS Molotov Coctail,' and 'The RS Bolshevik Bitch' received orders from Moscow...
Read full storyBeavers Reintroduced into British Sex Life
The beaver has not been known to have made an appearance in Great Britain since the 16th Century. Though a zoological nicety, the really significant aspect of this factotum has more to do with the sexsual lives of the UK man and wife. Typical B...
Read full storyDead People Don't Pay Taxes
Dearest Madame Bitters, My wife and I are at our wit's end. The IRS has accused us of tax evasion. According to them we owe 2.1 million dollars in back taxes. We don't have the money and there's a possibility we'll be sent to federal prison. What can we do to beat this? Terrified Couple- in Olympia, WA Terrified Couple: "Since I'm not a tax attorney, or any other kind of attorney I'm unq...
Read full storyJohn Lennon's Ghost: The Beatles Are Still More Famous Than JC
Just as the Vatican announced that John Lennon could be forgiven for claiming that the Lads from Liverpool were more famous than the Lord, The ghost of Lennon appeared to tell the world that Boys from the British invasion now had even more fame than...
Read full storyPaulson Caught in Vast Scheme to Monopolize Central Banks
CAYMEN ISLANDS - The United States Treasury has printed 500 GooglePlex notes, each worth the number ten followed by a Google zeros USD. A Google is 10 followed by a Google zeros, or something like that. Hey, I'm not a math major. The money was t...
Read full storyAspartame to Enhance all Fruits' Flavors
GENEVA - The anonymous committee ruling the World Trade Organization Sunday announced it was taking steps to improve the taste and uptake of fruit. Citing the global economic troubles, the committee decided it was time all fruits were made to tast...
Read full storyTimmy Mallet Hot New Tip For Cillit Bang Job
Much to Barry Scott's chagrin, it seems that he's about to get the boot from the lucrative Cillit Bang advertising contract, only to be replaced by celeb jungle irritating bastard Timmy Mallet, who remained an irritating bastard despite having gained...
Read full storyRejoice! Price Of Biscuits Fall By A Whopping 18%
Conservative Party leader, 'Do Nothing' Dave Cameron today launched a full frontal assault on governmental strategy by declaring to a packed House Of Commons that there would be no need for an alternative Tory Party strategy to Gordon Brown's borrow...
Read full storyMiddle School Coach Overdoes Pep Talk
Coach Williard "Iron Jaw" Callahan of the Middle School Leopards football team in Lincoln, Nebraska told his team Friday night that they were to shape up or ship out. "I don't care if your girlfriend has left you for your best friend. I don't car...
Read full storyHampshire Horse Tickler Sought
Hampshire police today announced that they were involved in an intensive manhunt in a strategy designed to apprehend the notorious Hampshire Horse Tickler. This strategy principally involved an appeal for information from the public, coupled with...
Read full storyBoth Clintons to utilize their Talents
Washington DC, November, 24 2008: President Elect Barack Obama is expected to ask Senator Hillary Clinton to be the next Secretary of State in the new administration. Even Joe the plumber couldn't stop this leak! The nagging question, as during th...
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