Multiculti, England - First the British nanny state instructed its obese and slovenly subjects to do Pilates exercises at bus stops. Then Malaysian Muslim officials issued a fatwa forbidding yoga because of its corrupting Hindu influences. Hence the logical perfect storm for Muslim clerics to forbid Muslims to ride on buses because of the corrupting influences associated with Pilates.
Every Stop Helps is a public campaign funded by the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE) and put together by the Institute of Transport and Tourism, two noted universities, a local governmental council and a bus company.
Information is posted at bus stops featuring six easy-to-do, Pilates-style positions and movements, designed to improve posture, alignment, strength and flexibility. Passengers balancing on one leg, circling, pointing and flexing ankles or simply standing tall, with shoulders back and buttocks in, are told not to feel self-conscious as the movements are discreet.
Every Stop Helps spokesperson, Clarisse Ramrod, was interviewed at a bus stop outside Manchester. According to Ms Ramrod, the government's previous anti-obesity campaign trying to convince commuters to alight one or two stops before their destination and walk the remaining distance fell flat on its face.
"The rolly-pollies just wouldn't do it," explained Ms Ramrod, standing tall with shoulders back and buttocks tucked in. "So we decided to take the campaign directly to the bus stops where passengers congregate." Ms Ramrod paused to look disdainfully at the several overweight passengers now assembled and waiting for a bus.
One of the passengers took a Pilates leaflet from Ms Ramrod and after thanking her, used it to wipe the smeared remains of a Snickers chocolate bar off the face of her pudgy child before handing it back.
Ms Ramrod, now standing discreetly on one leg and looking strikingly like a flamingo in her pink hooded trackie, continued determinedly. "Our Every Stop Helps Pilates campaign is money well spent. Everyone in the community can benefit."
Ms Ramrod, a certifiable Pilates and yoga instructor and part-time minicab driver, admitted that there were elements of Eastern philosophy and religion in both forms of exercise.
"I teach both Pilates and yoga," stated Ms Ramrod, "and of course they both believe in the mind-body connection."
Asked if there were any differences between Pilates and yoga, Ms Ramrod postured. "Well, yoga is perhaps more connected to Hinduism in some respects in its origins, but it's hardly a religion."
After coming out of her trance several minutes later, Ms Ramrod continued. "Now Joseph Pilates was German so of course there is more emphasis on the mechanical aspect of the body in his method," explained Ms Ramrod, now doing a goose step for illustration.
"But Joseph Pilates also believed the spirit controlled the body, and he studied Eastern religions as well in developing techniques."
"Maybe that's why Muslims have stopped riding buses," exclaimed an enlightened Ms Ramrod, discretely circling one foot clockwise and the other one counter-clockwise simultaneously.
Muslim cleric Isaid Isaid is heading the Bus Stop to Hell campaign to educate Muslims about the spiritual risks of the government's Every Stop Helps Pilates campaign. Mr Isaid Isaid declined to be interviewed but issued the following statement:
"Yoga is Hinduism in disguise. Pilates is yoga is disguise. Exercise in any form is Pilates in disguise. Organised exercise is for the idle. The devil finds work for idle hands. Hence, yoga, Hinduism, Pilates and all exercise are the devil's work. Therefore the righteous don't ride buses; they take minicabs."
"Now I hope you understand why our edict against yoga and Pilates and all exercise is called a fatwa."
Clarisse Ramrod has responded that the government's Every Stop Helps campaign is non-discriminatory. "I'm a very peaceful and centred person," said Ms Ramrod quite deliberately between controlled breathing. "Muslims don't have to take part if they object."
"But this bus boycott just gets my tights in a twist. Some of the women in my yoga, I mean my Pilates class, are starting a counter-campaign."
"It started off peacefully enough, but a few fanatic gym bunnies have taken it over now. They're calling themselves the Clenched Buttocks movement and are even getting t-shirts printed up with their Clenched Buttocks logo on the back."
Ms Ramrod concluded, "What started out innocently enough is now getting ugly."
