Panic and writers' block engulfed Systems Analyst Tony Walton yesterday, as he was handed a communal leaving card for Susan Chambers - a longtime colleague at computer software firm Infobiztec.
"Everyone else had written all these heartfelt or effortlessly witty missives," said Walton, an English graduate who has won awards for his short fiction and blog celebrating the work of Monty Python. "But I was in the middle of this intricate programming script, so when Susan's card was thrust in my face, the mind just went completely blank."
Walton's initial draft, which he wrote out faintly in pencil after five minutes of staring blankly into space, centred upon an amusing anecdote involving a shared interest in the fortunes of Arsenal Football Club.
"We always had this thing where we'd chat about the weekend's result in the kitchen on a Monday morning, so I thought I'd put in a sly reference to Thierry Henry's "va-va-voom" - but that was a few years ago now, so I'm not sure she would have got the joke and I would have come off looking like some kind of weirdo."
Half an hour later, a now-perspiring Walton was still struggling for a suitably warm and appropriate parting shot when he realised he was falling behind with his work assignment. In desperation, he went straight for the biro and began to pen a bold and vaguely sexually-charged note about Chambers' favourite low-cut dress.
"I actually wrote: 'SUZE! Hope the new colleagues enjoy that little Gucci number as much as we all did!!' before I realised that it was, at best, a trifle sleazy, and actually borderline sexual harassment," sighed Walton, who has progressed swiftly to a position of seniority at the company largely due to his excellent communication skills and written eloquence.
"I considered Tip-ex, but the background to the card was a lurid purple, so that would just have highlighted the mistake. In the end, I scribbled out the offending message, making sure it was completely illegible, before finally settling on 'All the best for the future, Tony'."
Walton revealed he decided against adding a couple of kisses as it "might have been misconstrued".
His ordeal was only concluded at around 5.30pm after he dropped £10 in the "Gift Contributions" envelope and agonised for the rest of the day as to whether it was socially acceptable to take out some change.
