Terry Butcher Refuses To Shake Hands With Madonna
Former England defender Terry Butcher, now the Scotland assistant coach, regurgitated his now-famous acrimonious dispute with all things Argentinian last night, but also started a new row at the Scotland v. Argentina game when he refused to shake han...
Read full storyStrictly crisis - Government acts
As news broke today of the growing crisis within the Strictly Come Dancing industry, Prime Minister Gordon Brown was forced to make an emergency press statement in an attempt to calm the markets. People's favourite John Seargant made a shock annou...
Read full storyMonica Lewinsky next Clinton 'alum' to join Obama intern-hiring team!
DEMOCRATIC HQ - CHICAGO: Monica Lewinsky - the girl in the soiled blue dress - will be joining the Obama transition team. She will head up the intern-hiring team. Many Obama hardliners are upset that yet another Clinton alumnus is being given a pr...
Read full storyChinese to reduce carbon footprint by 10%
In an innovative and bold move the Chinese government has instructed its population to breathe less. The country that strictly enforces a one child policy does not expect a problem in making sure the new initiative is successful. Chinese scient...
Read full storyAstronaut Loses Damn Hand Bag in Space
NASA - An Astronaut lost her bag during a space walk today as she attempted to effect repairs to a joint on the international space station. Astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper was attempting to loosen a stiff joint when a grease gun exploded caus...
Read full storyLanguage lessons the order of the day for Andy Murray in Miami
Amongst the paraphernalia accompanying British tennis sensation, Andy Murray, on his journey to his Winter training ground in Miami this year, is an important piece of interactive software - 'Teach Yourself Gaelic Swearwords'. "Och, we're [bleep]...
Read full storyCameron Loses The Plot
Tory 'leader' David Cameron was today left red faced when his manuscript for a saucy novel was found in the cubicle of a mens convenience near Clapham common. Doctor Harvey Gloryhole, colonic surgeon to the stars, happened upon the sordid literatu...
Read full storyIndian Space Mission Discovers Massive Curry Deposit On Lunar Surface!
Scientists in India are elated at the discovery of a huge curry deposit on the surface of the moon. Chandrayaan-1, India's first unmanned spacecraft has sent back stunning pictures of the popular spice, and scientists are 'over the moon' with exci...
Read full storyForeigners infiltrate British National Party
The British National Party has been infiltrated by immigrants, who will be sent "home" if their party ever wins a General Election. The embarrassing error was discovered when the BNP membership list was made public on the Internet, and even the pa...
Read full storyBNP members complain of press intrusion
Members of the British National Party have complained of harassment from journalists who keep phoning and emailing them asking if they are being harassed. Jim from Glasgow said he had received 20 phone calls from Fleet Street and local news media,...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus pisses like a guy
Kiddy icon Miley Cyrus pisses standing up just as a guy would, reports a celebrity website. ShitCelebGossip's resident nosy parker Pervez Musharraf uncovered the story while snooping around the toilet cubicles on the set of a new Hannah Montana mo...
Read full storyStrictly Come Dancing John Sergeant To Host His Own Dance Show
John Sergeant, the Strictly Come Dancing contestant who sensationally bowed out of the show - or was kicked out, depending on who you believe - had some good news to spread this evening, when it was announced he is to front his very own BBC dance sho...
Read full storyPro Japanese Baseball Team Drafts 16-Year-Old Girl Knuckleballer
KOBE, Japan - Eri Yoshida, a 16-year-old female pitcher who has mastered a mean, fluttering knuckleball has been drafted by the Kobe 9 Cruise of the Japanese League. Eri will be the first female to ever play professional baseball in Japan. She st...
Read full storyJuan For The Money
South African blindside flanker Juan Smith is reportedly on the verge of signing the biggest deal in Springbok history. The player, currently bumming around with the Cheetahs, has opened talks with Italian side Viadana about a possible move that w...
Read full storyMike Singletary (actually) wears pants on team
Asked why his team has played increasingly well the past 2 weeks, San Francisco running back Frank Gore said that it's the image of Coach Mike Singletary dropping his pants that keeps everyone motivated. "That really woke us up," Gore said of the...
Read full storyHuman Rights International Fights Gross Human Rights Violations with Nasty Letter
Human rights watchdog group Human Rights International countered the violations of rights by Russia and Gerogia in their recent war with a particularly scathing letter to the UN. The letter, which was almost seven pages long, contained several words...
Read full storyWall-E's Ex-Wife Speaks Out
Wall-E's success has reached the point all famous types fear, when people who know you come out and spill the beans, or the sprokets. The nuts and bolts of the issue is his ex's claim he promised to share proceeds of any movie he made while they...
Read full storySergeant Sensationally Slopes Off Strictly
Portly Jo Brand looky-likey, John Sergeant, has stunned TV Execs by sensationally quitting top rated show Dr Who. The portly Jo Brand looky-likey has fled the country and is believed to be in hiding at a small villa on the Costa Del Sol on Portugal's...
Read full storyBreakthrough in organ re-growth technology creates new demand
With the news that a new windpipe has been purpose grown for a Spanish patient hospitals and clinics have been flooded with requests for help. Unsurprisingly many applications are for new "organs" for under endowed English Hoodies. "These nasty...
Read full storyJohn Sergeant replaced by Jonathan Ross
Jonathan Ross, the disgraced lurid phone call fanatic has stepped in to save the BBC from a looming "Bloody Battle" between the judges and the British public on the now infamous Strictly Come Dancing TV programme. Said a distraught Ross "I feel i...
Read full storyObama: Fed Could Be Run Cheaper By Kenyan Officials
In a speech this morning, president-elect Barack Obama announced that the federal government could save the country billions of dollars by out-sourcing government offices to Kenyans. "We could balance our budget by 2012 without all these congress...
Read full storyFormer Lardass Shows Old Pants To Everyone
According to Buck Dink Elmore's friends, family, co-workers, The House of Crabs Restaurant coffee-drinkers, casual acquaintances, people at stoplights, salesmen at the door as well as a growing number of other local customers, waiters and waitresses,...
Read full storyFabio Capello Withdraws From England Squad
There was more drama at the England training camp this morning before tonight's friendly with Germany, when team boss Fabio Capello became the latest of a growing number of withdrawals from the squad. After Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown,...
Read full storyInst-o-friend
Felling lonely? Blue? No friends to hang out with. Then just try inst-o-freind. The friend that comes in a can. Just open the can and out he pops. Will play anything you want to play (no dirty stuff though). The question I usually get is "Does it really work?" Well if you're desperate enough for a friend you'll try it and then find out.
Read full storyPrincess Diana in College of Psychic Studies Royal Wedding Anniversary Shock Horror Omen
London - (Spooky Ass Mess): A shapeshifting apparition of Princess Diana spooked soothsayers at London's College of Psychic Studies today.. She warned them to prepare for a macabre Royal Wedding Anniversary event. Diana has been the College's...
Read full storyCharity Sex
Its around that time of the year when charity is in most demand (Christmas time). Do you wanna give back? Then Charity Sex is for you. Giving to those who are in need. Fill there pleasures, be a great person. You'll feel good for giving and they'll feel good with there pleasures filled. It's a win win situation. call 555-give-back...
Read full storyEngland announce friendly with Tristan da Cunha
The FA have announced an away friendly international with Tristan da Cunha next year. As part of their World Cup preparations England will need preparations for the real tests when they face the likes of Andorra. Despite only having a populatio...
Read full storyLinden, Indiana Resident Better Since Exploratory Surgery
A Linden, Indiana man, Barley "Jim Bob" Flener, who always wiggles his eyebrows at every woman or really cute guy when they enter the Flipper Boy's Flitters Restaurant, was rushed to the Green River Hospital Sunday night for acting silly, according t...
Read full story1966 World Cup awarded to Argentina
In the light of recent revelations by Argentina boss Diego Maradonna the 1966 World Cup has been awarded to Argentina as all the other teams were disqualified. The shocking revelation that England tried to claim a goal when the ball hadn't crosse...
Read full storyJackson 'too sick' to testify?
London - (Sorry Ass Mess): Is it Aids? Nah. But Wacko Jacko is playing the sicko card this week, refusing to attend a London lawsuit hearing on unspecified mental health grounds. Legal aides at the Royal Courts of Justice have entered a plea that...
Read full storyWills and Harry on BNP list
London - (Fascist Ass Mess): Princes William and Harry's membership details have appeared on a BNP list published online today. The young Blackshirts' party donations and related offshore bank accounts had long been the source of pride in the fami...
Read full storyBig 3, UAW say "Buy a Sh*tbox support America" - FREE Antenna Flag with Purchase
Kalu, Hawaii That's the answer, in a consensus directive from all three major automakers and the union that represents the workers for them. After a week long series of meetings from the golf courses, to the luaus, to the late night hidden Hawaiian...
Read full storyGiant Rat Terrorizes Buckingham Palace
London-- The Royal Family was tormented by an enormous 2-metre long rat that terrorized everyone at Buckingham Palace last night. The famous residence has been infested with rodents since a pussycat visited Queen Victoria and frightened a mouse unde...
Read full storyBritish Association of Pimps (BAPS) to go to European Court
With the new offence of paying for sex with somebody who is "controlled for another person's gain" to carry a hefty fine and a criminal record, the British Association of Pimps (BAPS) is going to the European Court in protest. BAPS feels that the...
Read full storyReverberations from a quick visit to New York
We all know that Americans are prone to fashion frenzies. That causes, from time to time, many bubbles that grow to incredible proportions and eventually burst, leaving expectations, illusions and, more often than not, a great deal of money by the roadside. But, since the last presidential election, I have spotted a new and highly original fashion that seems to be catching up and could soon turn i...
Read full storyJimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner hurt in gym accident
Paul Gascoigne's best pal, Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner was today recovering in Newcastle General Hospital after suffering a broken ankle at his local gym. 'Five Bellies' local doctor, Dr Who, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told ou...
Read full storyAl Gore To Stand Trial In The Hague For Crimes Against Humanity
After much hysteria over supposed 'man made' global warming, the fact that the sun has now come out of a thirty year height in its activity and the planet is now cooling, has caused panic in the real (not paid off by corporations and government grant...
Read full storyHitler's grandson called up to German football squad
After a vast number of injuries to the German football team, national coach Herman Bimmler has been forced to call up some lesser known players for this evening's friendly match against England. Controversially, Herman Hitler, the illegitimate gr...
Read full storyRoundabout hell
The British Government are looking into changing the rules for drivers on British roads in the wake of a tragic accident in Rotherham. Minnie Cooper, a 57 year old spinster from Sheffield dehydrated and died on the scene whilst waiting to join th...
Read full storyDoctors transplant Vagina
LONDON - Doctors have given a woman a new vagina with tissue grown from her own cat. "This technique has great promise we can make a new vagina from a pussy," said Dr. Eric Genital, who did a similar transplant in 2005 on a monkey at Mount Behind...
Read full storySomali Pirates hijack the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride; shots reported fired
Anaheim, California - Apparently bypassing the latest State-of-the-Art security at an amusement park which is the happiest place in the world, the Somali pirates gained access through an employee entrance, mistaken as underpaid foreign exchange stude...
Read full storyPamela Anderson To Star In "The Sarah Palin Story"
HOLLYWOOD, California - Universal Pictures has just announced that they have signed Pamela Anderson to star in 'The Sarah Palin Story.' An insider at Universal stated that the part of Todd Palin will be played by George Clooney. The parts of John...
Read full storyWorld Leaders Games & Pastimes
Adolf Hitler absolutely adored board games. He was an adept scrabble player, though many thought his personal favourites would have been RISK or Monopoly, or even the long-delayed board version of Genocidal Ethnic Cleansing (for advanced players). It turned out that behind Adolfs seemingly innocent love of Scrabble, there was a darker aspect to his enthusiasm, apparently he was hoping to creat...
Read full storyBNP Honor Roll makes the Nazinet
The British National Party membership roster has been posted on the honor roll of the Nazinet, rightwing version of the internet that refuses free and open communication. Making the Nazinet honor roll is quite the skinhead achievement according t...
Read full storyLilo, Madge & Paris To Star In Nude BBC Production
Head of entertainment at the BBC Sir Alec Douglas Hume has announced a new version of Jane Austen's Classic "Pride and Prejudice". "The public just cant get enough of this classic tale" said Mr Hume, "So we intend to do another version using an in...
Read full storyPirates Are Only Growth Industry Left Sailing
As long time galleons of the economic high seas have taken on water and are on their way to the bottom of Davy Jones' locker, there is only one sailing vessel still cruising smoothly on the seven seas. The pirate industry of Africa and Asia is the on...
Read full storyThe Greatest Games Never Made - Part 4/4
SUPER MARIO LANZA (Ann Offayacanna Refuse Entertainment ) Genre : Italian Croonathon No. of Players : 3 plus a rhythm section Difficulty Level : Medium, but don't get capsized over by the High Cs! Once in a while, a game comes along that knocks our socks off. And after 10 minutes in the delightful company of Super Mario Lanza, I looked under the table to observe that not only were my socks g...
Read full storyThe Greatest Games Never Made - Part 3/4
WOMB RAIDER VI - The Damp Patch Diaries (I.L.P. Studios) Genre : Clam-Conquering Platformer No. of Players : You are THE player Difficulty Level : Interesting learning curve, from playground to playboy in 25 short years Those darlings at I.L.P. Studios (Ivana Lara Pussy) have hit financial gold with its seemingly never-ending Womb Raider series. Again you are thrust into the role of Larry Cr...
Read full storyReligious Order of the Divine Will and Testament Collects Corpses' Social Security Checks until the Second Coming
Christian fundamentalist and pyramid scheme, Order of the Divine Will and Testament professes that its belief in the resurrection of the dead at the Imminent Second coming of Christ entitles them to continue collecting the social securities checks of...
Read full storyThe Greatest Games Never Made - Part 2/4
GLAND THEFT AUTOPSY (HIPPOCRATIC HYPOCRITES INC) Genre : First-person Looter (of mortuaries) No. of Players : Multiplayer collusion Difficulty Level : Easy, as long as you don't get discovered This sure-fire blockbuster is another venture into a 3D open-world playing arena, with an NHS children's hospital as the base for your shady shenanigans. Incorporating business management themes and al...
Read full storyCalifornicators Punished for Sins Against Gay Marriage by Effeminate Sacred Heart of Jesus
The Santa Ana winds drove walls of flame that consumed thousands of homes while earthquakes rocked LA and San Diego, all in the wake of heterosexual Californicators Indian giving of marriage to gays. Religious experts who study acts of divine r...
Read full storyThe Greatest Games Never Made - Part 1/4
METAL GEAR FLACCID (VIAGRACOM SOFTWARE) Genre : Alcoholic Role-playing Adventure No. of Players : 1 sad loner Difficulty Level : Frustratingly Humiliating - hope the TVs insured In this latest instalment of Viagracoms ever popular series, you play the role of urban warrior and perpetual bed-wetter Flaccid Snake. Armed with the usual array of weapons and power-ups, ranging from pocketfuls of...
Read full storyLetters To The Mahavishnu: 3 - Sex of the Best
Dear Guru Mahavishnu of all knowing, (and a good general knowledge of plumbing) Oh great wise and wonderful one, can you please explain to me the rules between watching porn and having sex? For it is my understanding that I may have sexual intercourse with a female from the age of 16 but in order to actually watch myself having sex with this woman or anybody else have sex I must be 18? Pleas...
Read full storyLetters To The Mahavishnu: 2 - Spirit Guide
Dear Dr Mahavishnu, I am drunk, and tomorrow I'll be hung-over, do you know any miracle cures? Yours headachingly, Steve 'Acer' Woodchuck Dear 'Quite Inexpensive' Steve There are but 4 guaranteed solutions to your predicament young Liver Lasher 1) Stay Drunk - Forever 2) Get Drunker - Let the hospital detox do its magic 3) Chicken Soup with rusty nails in (digestion of nails...
Read full storyLetters To The Mahavishnu: 1 - Letter Spray
Dear Mahavishnu 'BBZ' Burybobz Was JFK assassinated by the American government or was Lee Harvey Oswald guilty! Although the evidence is almost indisputable I would like to put my mind at rest once for all knowing that you have set my mind on the correct path! Your devout follower Dave 'Bugzy' Fribbins Dearest Dave, JFK, the first American president to be named after an airport, w...
Read full story'Zero Times Table Scrapped'
Never again will we hear the dulcet tones of 5 year-olds reciting 'one times zero is zero, two times zero is zero' etc. Education chiefs have erased the Zero Times Table recitation from the school curriculum, but deny its another streamlining tactic.
Read full storyWife Beating lessons on the NHS?
Hair-trigger temper men across Britain awoke to the news that they may soon be able to hone their partner bruising skills for free, via a new Government incentive scheme. Police chiefs had recently reported the amount of officer hours wasted on do...
Read full storyObama offers Noddy Holder Toilet Job
WASHINGTON - U.S. President-elect Barack Obama has offered Noddy Holder the job as Head Toilet cleaner, and the former rock star has accepted, a senior Democrat said on Tuesday. Before the offer becomes official, Obama's team wants to determine i...
Read full storyBonfire caused fires
LONDON WESTMINSTER - Westminster police said a weekend wildfire that destroyed 210 homes and an Indian take away was caused by a bonfire built by Guy Fawkes and his group of young arsonists. Detective inspector Bill Flame said Tuesday that the 10...
Read full storyBush's Last Presidential Interview
Earlier this week, this writer had a chance to sit down with U.S. President George W Bush for what would be his last media interview as President. Bush talks on a variety of topics - from family issues to being in the public eye for eight straight years. Here's what he had to say: [ADA] = Alejandro Juan-Abdullah, the reporter conducting the interview. [GWB] = U.S. President George W. Bush...
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