3-day weekend ruined by discovery that Labor Day is observed in Canada, too
Dr. I. Seymour Kuntz, a Seattle gynecologist whose name and profession have made him the butt of endless jokes, now has one more reason to complain.
Read full storyHellfire Club dread as Saturn transits Virgo
London - (Ass Mess): A thirty year cycle has come full circle this weekend since the zodiac's taskmaster planet, Saturn, transited Virgo and mobster cabals working for ex-CIA CEO George Herbert Bush tried to stage a military coup d'etat in Lo...
Read full storyWashington corruption probe swells
Washington DC - (Disaster Press): Corruption busting fever is rampaging throughout Capitol Hill this weekend with at least four Republican Senators and six House of Representatives members in the firing line,...
Read full storyRecent US Govt Study: Technology to solve Global Warming by 2032
Technology has saved the day many times in America. Betamax set the video entertainment world free. Satellite reconnaissance kept New Orleans protected from a Hurricane. And now, a recent government study shows that technology will Save the World...
Read full storyRocking Horse loses man his fortune
In London, the world's most foolish rich man lost his multi billion pound fortune by betting on a Rocking Horse to win the Grand National, the most important race in the British racing calendar.
Read full storyBootsy and Phil Collins - meet through Genes reunited
Funkadlic and Parliament star Bootsy Collins has been reunited with a long lost relative, balding British singer and drummer, and prog rock survivor Phil Collins.
Read full storyBeckham / Iannucci split in the offing?
Armando Iannucci, Scotland's favourite funny man, all round cheeky chap and writer / creator of sitcom "Friends", has hit out at David Beckham, footballer, for his poor sense of humour.
Read full storyShocking New Circular Argument Against Wi-Fi Killer Rays
A shocking new theory concerning how wireless signals cause damage to people emerged today. Alastair Phillips, chairman of Powerwatch (an organisation dedicated to safeguarding our children from cancer-causing rays) unveiled his discovery during an i...
Read full storyHitmail.com launched to cater for gangland niche market
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): A consortium of disorganised crime cartels has launched its own customised email service to cater to the niche market needs of today's modern assassins.
Read full storyGirl gang force victims to strip and have sex with them
A woods in Manchester is being terrorised by an all-girl gang who attack single men, and force them to strip naked and have sex with them.
Read full storyFormer Thatcher cabinet minister Lord Walker crashes through couple's living room celing
Flyford Flavell, Worcs - (MadAss Press): "We were just sitting down having a nice cuppa, watching the six o'clock news about all that foot and mouth palaver," 68 year old Mrs Meriel Nutkins said today from her basement flat in the pict...
Read full storyArsenal Floored By Diarrhoea Outbreak
French club Arsenal have confirmed that its squad has been decimated by a rather nasty outbreak of diarrhoea after signing Lassana Diarra from Chelsea.
Read full storyTaser Guns Go On Sale At Hamleys
Teenage shoppers who queued for as much as fifteen hours were rewarded this morning when they burst through the doors of a leading toy shop in London to be the first consumers in Britain to be able to buy a T...
Read full storyNATO archives show Pope Ratzinger is Jackie Onassis's half brother
NATO HQ - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Recently recovered NATO archves show that Pope Joseph Ratzinger's father was Jack "Blackjack" Bouvier, father of Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onassis and Caroline Lee Bouvier Canfield Radziwill.
Read full storyMan Vs Wild Star Eaten by Cannibals
Bongo Bongo, Ungawa Mon Bwana (IP) - Man Vs Wild star Bear Grylls was mistaken for a lost comedian while lost in the African jungle and was devoured by cannibals. They cooked him up in a giant black iron pot with recurving edges at the top. Underne...
Read full storyBush Administration 'intellectually and morally bankrupt': top UK general
London - (Ass Mess): A former UK army chief has said the Bush Administration is "intellectually and morally bankrupt" and has fallen into a massive snake-pit of its own creation.
Read full storyJudd Nelson/Andrew McCarthy to reunite for Chips
Following on news of both Steve Guttenberg's actor return, and Judge Reinhold's attempts to re-ignite his career by playing the boy that became Hitler, news has reached us from the farthest reaches of the wilderness that acting contemporaries...
Read full storyBobby D'Afro
Bobby D'Afro, the newest comedian on the mirthmaker's block has been busy trying to play down any link between himself and 1980's 'funnyman' Bobby Davro.
Read full storyIndian Village Full of Cobras
New Delco, Indiantown (IP) - An Indian village at the edge of the Delco mountain range is teeming with Cobras. The Cobras appear out of no where around every twist and turn.
Read full storyCherie Blair "furious" after Diana memorial service
Cherie Blair, the wife of former American Vice-President Tony Blair, was said to be furious after the memorial service to mark the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.
Read full storyMan who shits from his nose set to wed
It's not often that the news can report on a genuinely uplifting story but this is one of those occasions.
Read full storyParis Hilton and Britney Spears have steamy sex in blatant headline grabbing attempt
Space tourist, Paris Hilton was allegedly caught on camera in a hot and steamy session with baldy babe Britney Spears at George W Bush's robot farm in Texas.
Read full story"Shit Happens", say scientists
It took a team of over one hundred of the worlds greatest scientific minds, and a period of 46 years to reach their final conclusion.
Read full storyLindsey Lohan impersonator, Lonely Lindsey, bares breasts at funeral home
Popular Lindsey Lohan lookalike, Lonely Lindsey, revealed herself at her naked best at a Santa Barbara funeral parlor on friday.
Read full storyBritish General in Iraq calls President Bush a "wanker"
In an unexpectedly vehement abusive tirade, General Sir Mike Jackson, who is in charge of all British troops in Iraq, described all politicians involved in the Iraqi War as "wankers".
Read full storyCard is Politically Incorrect
The new National Ice-cream card comes out today. This is the latest of a string of fresh ideas from National Ice-cream in order to reinstate the image of ice-cream. Holders of the card pay from five pounds a month and in return they can get any ice c...
Read full storyPathetic Thief Gets Life
A seventy six year old man was sentenced to life imprisonment today for stealing over the period of seventy one years over one and a half million pounds worth of penny sweets.
Read full storyHospital beds to be removed
In an announcement today the minister of health and trousers Michel Montgomery-Smith, announced that he was announcing that 99% of beds in hospitals were to be removed to compensate for over crowding. He said that "Patients take up too much room...
Read full storyProblems with the cannibalism system uncovered
The modern cannibalism system is a mess; it is full of loopholes, and fraught by worries of attacks by vegetarians anonymous, a criminal organisation of people who force people to eat their pets if they do not become vegetarians. But the system is ea...
Read full storyHillary Clinton and Barack Obama in nude porn shocker
A Democrat insider has told The Spoof today that Hillary Clinton has brokered a deal with fellow candidate, Barack Obama, where she will become President and he will become Vice President.
Read full storyBig Brother Brian Accused Of Animal Cruelty
Data entry clerk Brian Belo, last night crowned the King of the Big Brother house after upstaging bookies' favourites, twins Amanda and Sam Marchant, has subsequently walked into a storm of controversy over Animal Cruelty. Black Brian, 20, of Long...
Read full storyIs using Diana to score points legitimate?
After yet another Diana memorial service doubt has been cast over how legitimate it is to allow footballers to use her to win games.
Read full storyParanoia Over 9/11 Recurrence Keeps Airplane Grounded
SAN DIEGO (Duh Newspaper) - Last week a red-eye flight from San Diego to Chicago was postponed after "us" passengers overheard "them" passengers speaking Arabic. American Airlines Flight #590 was originally scheduled to depart Sa...
Read full storyMexican lorry operators must speak Queen's English; NY taxi drivers, the state of New Jersey and parts of Massachusetts, still exempt
Harlingen, Texas - The rule, requiring Mexican nationals truck drivers to speak English for highway safety reasons, has been on the books since 1971 and then expanded in 1994 with the passage of NAFTA. However, only now it will be enforced after dela...
Read full storyLarry Craig was "just jerking off"
Recently resigned Conservative Republican senator Larry Craig said he was "just jerking off" when he was arrested for propositioning an undercover police officer.
Read full storyIraqi WMD's found at U.N. building in Manhattan; Bush orders immediate air strike and ground force invasion
New York, New York - The U.N. announced yesterday that it found minute amounts of phosgene, a chemical warfare agent, which causes choking attacking the lungs. The WWI warfare agent was properly contained and appropriately marked a public hazard in i...
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