USC Awards Scholarship to Zygote
LOS ANGELES, CA - University of Southern California men's basketball coach Tim Floyd announced today that he has obtained an oral commitment from a zygote to attend USC under a full basketball scholarship after completing high school.
Read full storyGermany Says No To Tom Cruise WWII Film
The German Government has said "nein" to attempts by Tom Cruise to film a movie about an assassination attempt against Adolf Hitler. Saying that the noted Scientologist is not a member of a real church, they do not believe he should be per...
Read full storyBong Hits 4 Censorship as Supreme Court gags First Amendment rights
Washington DC - (Ass Mes): "This is one sick day for the American Constitution," said a statement from the American Diabolical Liberties Union today after a landmark ruling from the US Supreme Court voted 5-4 to gag the First Amendment rig...
Read full storyCops poised to bust Opus Dei for 7/7 London atrocities
London - (Ass Mess): Police investigating the 7/7 London terrorism atrocities that killed 52 commuters are poised to swoop on the hierarchy of the Opus Dei organization on the feast day of the patron saint Josemaria Escriva.
Read full storyMormon Church Reaches One Million Missionary Milestone
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has crossed a new milestone. The twelve million member church, founded in 1830, will send its one millionth missionary out "into the field" this summer. The first missionary was Samuel Smith...
Read full storyNew York Times Fails In Defense of WSJ Against Murdoch
The New York Times defended soon-to-be-unemployeed Wall Street Journal editors from Murdoch's siege on the Journal's owners, the Martini drinking Bancrofts.
Read full storyPamela Anderson Gets Naked To Promote Lapdancing Laplanders and Protect Furry Muffs
Notorious pneumatic-boobed ageing babe Pamela Anderson wants to open a chain of strip joints in her native Lapland. No stranger to getting her wobbling wangers out at every opportunity, including her kids sports days, Pammie has claimed she wants to...
Read full storyLost Chilean Lake Reappears in Sheffield
The case of the mysterious disappearing Lake in Chile has been solved after it reappeared suddenly in Sheffield today.
Read full storyNew Star Trek Series Added to Fall Programming
There have been several Star Trek series, but none on the air since the cancellation of Enterprise a few years ago. Paramount Pictures has announced production of a new series to begin showing this fall on NBC. The new show, to be titled Star Trek;...
Read full storyGordon Brown Courts Dummy Chancellor
Hot on the heals of steeling the hearts of "Britain's Got Talent" audience, ventriloquist Damon Scott's monkey has emerged as the recipient of Gordon Brown's latest Cabinet job offer.
Read full storyVenezuela and President Hugo Chavez Prepare For War With U.S.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez prepared his nation for war against the United States today during a speech in Caracas. He warned his countrymen that people might die, but that destroying the enemy to the north must be their objective.
Read full storyAnimal House - Return to Atlantis
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The recombination of man and beast - According to an article Animal Farm, scientists are touting their accomplishments regarding placing human cells in mice a...
Read full storyHarry Potter 7 Secrets Revealed
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is not scheduled for release until mid July. Hackers have been trying to break into the publishing company's computers to get the secrets to the new book, while thieves have tried to break into the building f...
Read full storyBlair goes to Glastonbury
Glastonbury - the excitement over for another year.Wet and muddy but a good squelch was had by all.
Read full storyBritney Spears has Alzheimer's
Britney Spears's friend and confidante, Wal Astoria, has revealed that Britney is suffering from Alzheimer's, a disease more often associated with elderly people.
Read full storyBird who crapped on president tracked down and sent to Gitmo
Washington, D.C. - After a month-long nationwide search involving the FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security and local law enforcement agencies, the bird who attacked President Bush with a stealth shit bomb has been apprehended.
Read full storyBaby Dinosaur Runs Rampant In Supermarket
A real life baby dinosaur has run amok in a local northwest supermarket, killing one man and terrorizing hundreds of innocent bystanders, and security cameras captured the entire ordeal as it unfolded.
Read full storySanjaya Sister Shyamali Malakar Latest Nude Playboy Playmate
Months after their fifteen minutes of fame ended, Sanjaya and Shyamali Malakar are back in the news. Shyamali has agreed to pose nude in Playboy magazine, while brother Sanjaya has agreed to do her hair for the shoot. Both rocketed to fame due to...
Read full storyTyson Gay Sets 200 Meter Record At Meet
Tyson Gay set a meet record and the year's best time in the 200 meter race at the U.S. Track and Field Championships. His time of 19.62 is second only to Michael Johnson's world record set at the Atlanta Olympics.
Read full storyThe day that there was no news
New York. Nothing happened. No car crashes, no deaths, no wars, no nothing. On Thursday, absolutely nothing happened. The news anchors starred at blank teleprompters with open gaping mouths. news papers merely reported the weath...
Read full storyParis Hilton To Pose Nude For Playboy
Starlet and former inmate Paris Hilton will spend her second week out of jail posing for Hugh Hefner and Playboy. The personality and party girl has accepted a large offer to appear nude in the pages of the magazine. When asked why she was allowi...
Read full storyNancy Pelosi Introduces Toilet Seat Legislation
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and introduced a bill regarding toilet seats. Under the new legislation, if it passes, failure to put the seat down would be punishable as a class C felony. In a male dominated House of Representatives, this measur...
Read full storyOutrage as Sonia Gandhi replaces Aishwarya Rai on goddess poster
Delhi - (Ass Mess): Congress Party leader Sonia Gandhi's attempt to recast herself on a PR poster as a depiction of the Hindu goddess Durga has provoked outrage in India.
Read full storyCameron Diaz Apologizes For Purse Mishap
Cameron Diaz, the voice of Princess Fiona in the Shrek movies and star of There's Something About Mary, apologized for a problem with her purse in Peru. The bag contained Chinese characters that were offensive to the native people, reminding the...
Read full storyManchester City Takeover Money Is Clean, Says Accountancy Fellow
The takeover bid for Manchester City by former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is completely above board, says the man who brokered the £81.6million deal.
Read full storyNebra Sky Disc sacred geometry says Bush is doomed
Mittelberg, Saxony-Anhalt - (Associated Messerschmitts): A spectacular 3,600 year old gold, copper and bronze ornament dubbed the Nebra Sky Disc carries a stark ancient prophecy declaring the Bush administration is doomed to treason charges.
Read full storyVP's office auctions punctuation
Washington - The Vice President's office announced today that it has sold the American rights to punctuation of the English language in an auction which had not been advertised to the public; the winners will choose the new names...
Read full storyNew £20 note shows fingerprinted QEII
London - (Ass Mess): The new issue £20 is a big hit with the UK's Serious Fraud Office who have praised the Royal Mint's decision to daub purple fingerprinting ink all over the face of the Puppet Monarch.
Read full storyIt's Mr. Brown and the Queen all over again
Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Brown has been seen at Balmoral, the Queens Norfolk estate, leading the Queens horse on more than one occasion.
Read full storyAhoy Mates Let's Drink The Paris Hilton
A Paris Hilton "devotee", Kieth Richards, dressed as Johnny Depp, playing Captain Jack Sparrow is demanding the heiress' release from prison in the next three days, or else he will "raid, plunder and pillage the entire village of Lynwood."...
Read full storyDame Shirley Bassey Involved In Helicopter Incident, Puts Wellingtons and Underwear For Auction On E-Bay
Dame Shirley Bassey, the Welsh crooner, was involved in a near-fatal helicopter crash yesterday when her expensive pink Julien MacDonald dress became entangled with the copter's blades on her wa...
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Converts to Judaism
In a surprise announcement broadcast by Al Jazeera, terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden has announced his conversation to Judaism.
Read full storyCharles Manson gives rare NPR interview
PHILADELPHIA (Daily News Staff Writer) - 'Fresh Air' host and National Public Radio darling, Terry Gross, will soon air her interview with convicted murderer Charles Manson. In the past her work has been described as "a remarkable blend of empathy, warmth, genuine curiosity, and sharp intelligence". However, this latest piece promises to deviate slightly from earlier works.
Read full storyWhite House releases 10 commandments for Bush
White House:In accordance to the new commandments that Vatican released for drivers all over the world,and seeing that it was working well with only 20,000 accidents recorded in one week,White House released its own set of commandments for FLUSH.
Read full storyBush's Address to Nation on Depression
WASHINGTON - President Bush will address the nation tomorrow evening at 8:15pm concerning his bout with depression and consequential treatment.
Read full storyShrek Takes Ubiquitous Prize
NEW YORK - Flotsam magazine has named Shrek as the Most Ubiquitous Fictional Character of 2007, beating out matrons Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.
Read full storyNottingham Woman Marries Death Row Prisoner
A British woman from Nottingham has married a Death Row prisoner who could soon earn a reprieve at a ceremony at a US jail.
Read full storyEastEnders Phil Mitchell Decides Not To Marry Stella
The scriptwriters, production staff and actors of BBC1's EastEnders have pulled out all the stops this week, with a gripping storyline involving domestic violence, misery, child abuse, murder and a little bit
Read full storySatirists Judged "Somewhat Respected" in Latest Public Opinion Poll
A recent Pew research poll puts Satirists in the category "Somewhat Respected" in terms of their professional reputation & public opinion. The survey requested feedback from the general public to compare more than fifty occupations through...
Read full story'Blair Witch Project' takes top honor in AFI's annual Top-100-American-Movies List
HOWL-E-WOOD - The American Film Institute has unveiled this year's selections for the Greatest American Movies of the past one-hundred years.
Read full storyJon Stewart to Replace Katie Couric on CBS Evening News
CBS and PBS executives have announced major changes in their respective flagship news programs. CBS have said that Jon Stewart of The Daily Show will replace Katie Couric in the coveted Evening News anchor slot and PBS announced that The News Hour Wi...
Read full storyBung Hole to Blame for Foul Odor
LONGVIEW, IN - Several people were treated at area hospitals today complaining of choking, nausea, and watering-eyes after a foul stench filled the downtown streets of Longview.
Read full storyOusted Cleric Urges Action
A strange scene unfolded in a small, independent church in upstate New York this weekend as the recently excommunicated Rev. Cotton Fullafit blasted all critics of mandatory exorcisms in the public schools as being "insensitive to the needs of t...
Read full storyMen Applying to Women's Colleges in Record Numbers
Male rising high school seniors are applying to women's colleges in numbers not seen since shortly after World War 2 when some men were allowed to attend historically women's colleges on the GI bill due to a shortage of college spaces for men...
Read full storyFrance Evicted From Europe
In a surprise result, France has become the first country in history to be evicted from the populated regions of the Earth, narrowly losing out to Iran in a tense final round of voting.
Read full storyParis Hilton Schedules First Interview After Jail Release and Sets Ground Rules
Paris Hilton has scheduled her first interview for herself after her prison release. The media darling is scheduled to leave her L.A. Twin Towers prison on Tuesday after getting 21 days off of her 45 sentence for good behaviour.
Read full storyParis Hilton Lands Leading Role in New Broadway Musical Production of Prisoner in Cell Block H
Lynwood, California - Despite having her recording contract canceled by Sony, Paris Hilton was offered the leading role of "Frankie" in a new Broadway musical production based on the popular Australian women's prison 1980s TV series, Pr...
Read full storyEl Paso Anime Convention Crashed By American Toons
An anime convention celebrates the art of Japanese animation and cartooning. Works such as Gundham Wing, Princess Mononoke, and Pokemon are discussed and studied by costumed fans possibly slightly more nerdie than trekkies. These socially inept vir...
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