Paris Hilton Schedules First Interview After Jail Release and Sets Ground Rules

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 25 June 2007


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Larry King will have the honor of being the first to interview parolee Paris

Paris Hilton has scheduled her first interview for herself after her prison release. The media darling is scheduled to leave her L.A. Twin Towers prison on Tuesday after getting 21 days off of her 45 sentence for good behaviour.

While Hilton did offer rights for the interview to ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox, they were not able to meet all of her demands or her asking price. Paris will be interviewed instead on CNN by Larry King on his Larry King Live program. She will be the featured guest and be on the air for about an hour.

Doctors and counselors who have worked with her in the prison question whether or not she would be able to carry on intelligent conversation for a whole sixty minutes and suggest that King have a back up plan.

Other networks were turned off by the demands that Hilton made for the interview. In order to allow herself to be questioned live, Paris set the following guidelines:

"No old, ugly guys will be able to hit on me because, you know, that would be gross. Anna Nicole got loaded by having a good body and marrying an old, rich guy and having him die, but I'm already rich and don't go for the Viagra crowd."

"No one can ask me about the horrible things I went through in prison, like having to sleep when it was dark and not being able to shave my legs or pits or having to wipe my own tushie."

"No one can say anything about drunk driving."

"No one can say anything about my acting talents."

"No one can say anything about my sexual history, cuz I was mostly drunk and forgot it all."

"No one can call Tinkerbell an overgrown rat."

"No one can say Nicole's name cuz she's still a traitor bitch."

"No one can talk about Britney's vagina cuz that's yesterday's news and mine is better and tighter cuz I never popped out any kids and how come no one ever remembers that I was with her that night?"

"No one can ask about my temper tantrums or actions or the medical condition that kept me out of prison for a couple of days."

"All you can talk about is how beautiful I am and what I'm wearing and how much you want to play with Tinkerbell and how good my movies and tv shows are."

Paris chose Larry King over the other networks as "I saw him on some commercials, but those other interviewer guys never do commercials, just the serious, boring news and stuff."

"I also think the looks like one of the gargoyles from The Hunchback of Notre Dame movie, and they were kind of funny and cute."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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