Washington, D.C. - After a month-long nationwide search involving the FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security and local law enforcement agencies, the bird who attacked President Bush with a stealth shit bomb has been apprehended.
The incident, which occurred during a Rose Garden press conference May 24th, ignited an immediate response from law enforcement officials at every level. Assistant Director of the FBI Amos Moroni oversaw the coordination of the various agencies looking for the assailant; code named "Big Bird."
"This has Al Qaida written all over it," said Moroni. "As a bird, it was able to fly in under the radar, drop its load, and vanish. The attack was well planned and precisely executed. One thing we know for sure: There had to be accomplices."
Law enforcement agencies rounded up thousands of sparrows in its search for Big Bird. Interrogations yielded little information as it was nearly impossible to break the sparrow code of silence.
"Even using enhanced interrogation techniques, we couldn't get any of them to sing. Our break came when we found out through an informant that there was a cell operating out of a barn in rural Maryland."
Authorities surrounded the barn and used sparrow mating calls to lure the suspect out into the open. The surprised bird was taken without violence using a butterfly net.
The sparrow, whose name turned out to be Al Jezari El Mohammad, was immediately flown to Guantanamo Bay for further questioning.
Moroni was pleased with the work of the various law enforcement units. "It was an example of good communication and coordination and everyone should be proud. We put away a high ranking Al Qaida operative who's not going to be shitting on anyone again for a long, long time."