Written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 25 June 2007

image for Harry Potter 7 Secrets Revealed
Harry has come a long way since the series started

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is not scheduled for release until mid July. Hackers have been trying to break into the publishing company's computers to get the secrets to the new book, while thieves have tried to break into the building for the same.

Tired of all of the speculation about the final chapter of the seven volume bestselling series, author J.K. Rowling has decided to reveal some of the secrets and ending of the upcoming book.

"In this one," she says. "Dumbledore does not die (I killed him in the last one, remember?). Harry does not get laid. His scar, however, will burn him once or twice. Hermione Granger does the wild thing in the woods with Hagrid, because she likes big men. That annoying Dursley kid finally gets bumped off, along with his parents (God, I hated those characters). I kill off Ginny Weasley, because no one really cared about her anyway. Ron, after finding out Hermione thinks he's really a twit and never did love him, becomes a male stripper. Fred and George accidentally blow up Snape, but everyone likes that and they get a medal. McGonnagal becomes the head mistress of the school and puts in a new "toilet seats must be left down" policy. Harry does die in the end, but that's just so I can come up with a way to bring him back to life in an eighth book because some publisher will offer me a billion euros and a billion dollars to write it."

"There, I hope you're all happy now."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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