Federer bullish ahead of Flushing Meadows career-best masterclass
Flushing Meadows - (Rioters): "Am I feeling confident of winning my fourth consecutive US Open? You betcha!" Roger Federer beamed today as American bookies cuts the odds of him winning to 1-3, assuming that second seed Nadal won't turn...
Read full storyIllinois's ex-Gov Ryan "a major role model for Corrupt Bastards Club"
Chicago, Illinois - (US Graft News): Former GOP Illinois Governor George Ryan, who lost his corruption appeal today and faces an imminent custodial sentence, has been hailed by Alaska's Corrupt Bastards Club as a major role model.
Read full storySanta Claus is bulletproof - isn´t she?
I remember the Christmas of 2010. It was the Christmas I tried to kill Santa Claus. Yes, I was a person of action back then. But what else was I supposed to do? I had to pay 206 Euros for a parking ticket and therefore was left with no money to celebrate the annual pre - Christmas Summer Holy Night on August 24th.
Read full storyEclipsed Pisces Full Moon to trigger deadly Pavlovian volcanic eruption
Alaska - (Armageddon Press): Astrologers meeting at the London Earth Mysteries Symposium have warned that the eclipsed full moon on 28 August is poised to trigger a huge eruption of Alaska's Pavlof Volcano.
Read full storyHenman To Announce That He's Andy Murray's Dad At Press Conference
Tennis player Tim Henman, world number 94 and sinking faster than Leeds United, is expected to announce his paternal allegiance to youngster Andy Murray this Thursday in a press conference which will be attended by an excited hamster and the hamster&...
Read full storyDoherty's new career as escapologist
London - (Ass Mess): A tantalising new career as an escapology artist is on the cards for Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty after he managed to legally charm his way out of bail violations charges despite being busted for drug possession yet again...
Read full storyHarsh Angry Wrestler Exterior Concealed Soft Core of Molten Steroids
Midget Wrestler Caleb Smith was also known by his ring name El Dopa. His signature move, the Trackmark, was feared throughout the industry.
Read full storySpace Shuttle Replacement Craft Ready to Go
Pasadena, California (IP) - The Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) announced today that it will replace the aging Shuttle fleet with giant frisbees. The Frisbees are old 1970's technology with a proven track record.
Read full storyNASA Will Replace Shuttle's Tiles
Cape Canaveral, Florida (IP) - NASA has announced it will replace the Shuttle's Reentry tile system. The space agency is strapped for money and they are sending scraphounds out to attend yard sales so they can buy scrap bathroom and kitchen tile...
Read full storySouth London Violence Take On New Twist
LONDON (Defecated News) - The recent rise in South London seems to have moved in a different direction. Black-on-black shootings have been replaced by Welsh-on-Irish Face Stabbings.
Read full storyInternational Tourette's Seminar - Mixed Opinions
LONDON (Defecated News) - The world's first International Tourettes's Seminar & Support Conference has been dubbed a 'bastard cunt cunt cunt success' by it's organisers. Others including the local...
Read full storyHe's A Serial Killer, Get Him In There
PRODUCERS for the hit reality TV show I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here are considering naming convicted serial killer Charles Manson in their 2007 line-up.
Read full storyEvil genius is resurrecting dead monarchs
On Sunday, one of our top reporters, websmuggler, reported on the unexpected return of King Edward VIII, who has demanded his crown back. Today,
Read full storyJenna Bush wedding: in-laws demand pre-nup virginity test
Washington DC - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Jenna Bush's prosepctive in-laws have demanded that she takes a virginity test as part of a pre-nup agreement ahead of her wedding to Henry Hagar.
Read full storyEmilia Earhart's Plane Found!
Manila, Philippines (IP) - Emilia Earhart's plane has finally been located after all of these years. It was parked just off the main runway at Manila International Airport near the nearest ladies' rest room.
Read full storyVatican launches Jeez! Jet Airlines
Vatican Shitty, Italy - (Ass Mess): Business is clearly booming in the superstition-peddling sector of civil aviation amid reports today that the Vatican has just launched it very own cut-price miracle tour carrier provisionally entitled Jeez! J...
Read full storyBush Will Join the Who as Drummer
Washington (IP) - The news out of Washington is that as soon as Bush is impeached and removed from office that Cheney will pardon him. After his pardon Bush will be off to England to join the Who as their new drummer.
Read full storyKarma is sweet as Miss USA fans get last laugh at Mexico hex
Cancun, Mexico - (Ass Mess): Karma? Like revenge, a dish best eaten cold, wet and V-E-R-Y windy.
Read full storyObama to Pimp Up Air Force One
Mephistophel, Tennessee (IP) - African-American Democratic Candidate Barrack Hussein Obama has declared his intentions to our Washington reporter-on-the-scene as to how he will modify Air Force One if he is elected as President.
Read full storyBush On No-Fly List
Washington (IP) - Our investigative reporter just received information that G.W. Bush has been put at the top of the no-fly list. The reason is not that he is accused of being a terrorist but rather that his policies have greatly increased the numbe...
Read full storyBush to retire and "Grow some flowers"
In news that will shock the Western World, President Bush today announced that he is to retire from Public Office by the end of the month and, "follow the flowers to San Francisco".
Read full storyCriminal Rights Act Under Scrutiny
An Italian lout who knifed school headmaster Philip Lawrence to death has been allowed to remain in the UK after winning an appeal against deportation.
Read full storyNew Health Scare As Man Chokes On Mars Bar
After the recent Foot & Mouth, E-Coli and Legionnaires Disease outbreaks, a new scare has this morning raised calls from health officials for a total ban on Mars Bars.
Read full storyFoxy Brown Takes Out Two New Jersey Cops
Cunnilinga Marchingband has gotten into trouble with the police again. After shortening her name to Inga Marchand, for grammatical reasons and then changing it again to the 'simpler to spell' name Foxy Brown, she's had nothing but grief.
Read full storyBlast From The Past? Not aff!
Joe Dolce, the Shaddup you face croonster, is cock-a-hoop over his new venture.
Read full story"Lineker had Self Esteem Issues" claims ex lover.
In a story to be published this weekend Beauty queen Ms Hallam claims that retired soccer star and ex Leicester gangster, Gary Lineker had "Self esteem issues that went far beyond his big ears and small penis."...
Read full storyRon Paul and the Pied Piper Scandal
Presidential candidate Ron Paul was stung yesterday after rivals exposed his use of a performance enhancing character. So far the Ron Paul campaign has had no comment on the allegations that it employed the legendary Pied Piper to dr...
Read full storyCat Dropping Coffee is Instant (S)Hit
Coffee made from cat droppings has become an instant hit in Indonesia.
Read full storyRicky Gervais Admits "I'm Not Funny!"
Britain's funniest and most gifted comedian, Ricky Gervais, has sensationally admitted that he is not funny in light of the recent Concert for Diana debacle.
Read full storyDick Cheney Repents
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - Dick Cheney, after doing some soul searching, repented of his sins and his crimes against humanity. He finally realized that money grubbing, killing, maiming, and making people die of starvation wasn't very ni...
Read full storyBoy R Squared Has Boffins Baffled
Jason Mason, from Bognor on Thames, is today the talk of the medical world. For the plucky ten-year old has become the first person in the UK diagnosed with Mathematical Tourettes Syndrome, or as it's better known, MDF.
Read full storyLG Uzi990 has 5 Megapixel Camera, Touchscreen, Sexiness
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The LG Uzi990 5 Megapixel cell phone now has touchscreen operation. The freon-cooled sensation is a delight to all who have fingers tiny enough to operate such a small touchscreen. If you don't happen to be an infant or a...
Read full storyIsrael relocated to Canada
The State of Israel, announcing "Well! We can certainly tell when we're not wanted!" has relocated to Canada.
Read full storyWot! No kidding? Mr Chad Is Back
Iconic World War 2 cartoon figure, Mr Chad, has been discovered hiding in the New Forest and seemingly not aware that the war is over.
Read full storyAirplane explosion due to being "repaired in China"
Japan, Tokyo (The Lies) - The cause of the China Airlines Boeing 737-800 explosion last Saturday has been put down to it being "repaired in China".
Read full storyKevin Andrews deported, Australia rejoices
Australia, Melbourne (The Lies) - A shock turn around in the Mohamed Haneef immigration case where the Immigration Minister, Kevin Andrews, has been asked to leave the country indefinitely.
Read full storyCanada to be Absorbed by USA Says Canadian Leader
OTTAWA (FMLiveWire) - Canada and Mexico will be absorbed into the United States empire under the guise of secret Security and Prosperity Partnership meetings acknowledged Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in an exclusive interview with FMLiv...
Read full storyHemorrhoids Flare Across U.S.: Bush Administration Declares Emergency
US and A (The Lantern Staff Writer) - An outbreak of severe hemorrhoids throughout the lower forty-eight states has blindsided National Weather Service forecasters, causing the President to declare a national state of emergency.
Read full storyUnited team suffer third-degree burns as Alex mobilizes industrial strength hairdryer
Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson has sent shock waves through the premier league, admitting he hadn't realized the season had started, fumbling through a press conference answering "Training? What training?"...
Read full storyMakers of Baby Einstein markets Home Lead Testing Chemistry Set, amid controversy of its own
New York, New York - With over 18 million lead tainted toys manufactured in China recalled so far, near panic, if not deep seeded concern for the welfare of children has spread worldwide. In the midst of this crisis, the makers of Baby Einstein home...
Read full storyClay Aiken has a new girlfriend! Then cheats on her with yours truly!
That's right, folks! Clay's got a new main squeeze! (And no it's not someone of the same sex. Darn those evil gay rumors!)...
Read full storyFederer To Quit Tennis
Roger Federer has decided to follow in the footsteps of his idol Borg and quit the game while ahead. The Swiss has admitted that he just isn't motivated anymore and he is thoroughly fed up with 'beating the living daylights out of Andy Roddick'. H...
Read full storyAFLAC Ruffles PETA's Feathers
The, not so astonishing news, within the insurance industry reached the boiling point yesterday when PETA met with the corporate big-wigs of AFLAC Insurance.
Read full storyIndian Tribe Found Living in Isolated Mountain
Devil's Rock, Wyoming (IP) - A mountainous area with a top resembling the top of an hour glass has been found to be the home of an ancient Indian tribe. Our western affairs reporter is apparently the first modern day person to be allowed out of...
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