Hemorrhoids Flare Across U.S.: Bush Administration Declares Emergency

Funny story written by SpaceElevator

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

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US and A (The Lantern Staff Writer) - An outbreak of severe hemorrhoids throughout the lower forty-eight states has blindsided National Weather Service forecasters, causing the President to declare a national state of emergency.

Storm chasers from Stony Brook University first encountered the phenomenon when they unintentionally rear-ended a family of five at the intersection of the Long Island Expressway and Ow-My-Ass-Hurts Road.

Relying on top cabinet members, Ben Chad and Vernix Fontanel, President Bush immediately placed civil defense on high alert and established an Anti-S.P.H.I.N.C.T.E.R. (Swelling, Polyps, Hemorrhoids, Itchiness, Needling, Chafing, Tenderness and/or Extreme Redness) Task Force.

As a precaution, he also ordered the country be placed on Threat Condition 'Orange'. No one is quite sure what that means, except that truckloads of badly-needed hemorrhoidal cream are being detained at the Canadian border for additional screening.

Americans are warned to avoid: sitting for prolonged periods of time, leading a sedentary lifestyle, becoming obese, postponing bowel movements, becoming pregnant, and consuming too much alcohol or caffeine. They are encouraged to eat more fiber and to buy plenty of duct tape.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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