"Lineker had Self Esteem Issues" claims ex lover.

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Tuesday, 21 August 2007


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Lineker yesterday. He needs help claims Busty model.

In a story to be published this weekend Beauty queen Ms Hallam claims that retired soccer star and ex Leicester gangster, Gary Lineker had "Self esteem issues that went far beyond his big ears and small penis."

Speaking from her Chelsea flat big breasted Kate told our gossip correspondent, Peter Musgrove, "It all appeared fine at first. He asked me out after seeing me in the audience of, "A question of Sport". To be honest I had my eyes on Scottish bike Ally McCoist but when he went off with my mate, Fern Brittain, I decided to give Gary a go. I thought if nothing else he'd be energetic"

However our busty model's dreams were soon to be shattered.

"I don't know what it was but his behaviour became erratic just 3 days into our relationship. At first this manifested itself in a stutter, and not just your common a garden Gareth Gates stutter. At times Gary would take up to 20 minutes to order a take away. To be honest I could have made life easier for him. Knowing he had a particular problem with 'B's I'd always ask for a Big Mac. It was just so embarrassing. On one occasion the staff were trying to close the resturant as it was well past midnight but Gary was insistent on getting me my meal.I ended up with a McFlurry after the waitress resorted to pointing to the items on the menu with a stick"

However the stammering was just the start of it.

"What I witnessed in the month or two that I went out with Gary was a complete nervous breakdown, the like of which I hadn't seen since I dated the newsreader Martin Lewis . I did a little psychology in my foundation year at Model Management and I firmly believe he underwent what we would call 'a collapse of his core self'."

Ignoring our reporters plea for sex Kate continued:

"I remember one evening going round to Gary place near the BBC Studio's in Shepherd's Bush. All day he kept talking about the size of his ears and how he believed they were getting bigger by the day. He genuinely considered wearing a balaclava on Football Focus. If it wasn't for Mark Lawrenson's persuasive power's I'm sure he would have done. To be honest it wasn't the size of his ears I was bothered about."

The look Ms Hallam gave our reporter left him in no doubt that she was referring to the ridiculously small length of Mr Lineker's penis.

She continued:

"Gary needs help. He became totally mute for 5 days, which was difficult as he was hosting a special one off edition of, 'They think it's all over', for this year's, 'Children in Need appeal'. If it wasn't for the professionalism of Rory McGrath I'm sure the show would have been cancelled."

The Leicester legend was unavailable for comment yesterday. However his spokesman confirmed that Mr Lineker was 'addressing certain issues' and would be available for work within the next three weeks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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