AFLAC Ruffles PETA's Feathers

Funny story written by Kimberly

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

The, not so astonishing news, within the insurance industry reached the boiling point yesterday when PETA met with the corporate big-wigs of AFLAC Insurance.

During an interview, we spoke with Rhoda Horsey, one of the founders of the local chapter of PETA, located in Lizard Lick, NC who stated, "You'd think they would learn after all the commotion over the Geico Lizard commercials". "It is just horrible to think about how they exploit that poor lizard". One of Rhoda Horsey's supervisors, Ms. M.T.Head, was quoted as saying "We made Geico change their commercial, we presented several petitions to the company requesting that they refrain from using animals in their commercials, they had no choice but to listen and finally they capitulated by taking that commercial off the air and replacing it with cave men, a much more appropriate choice".

When AFLAC began using a duck in their commercials some people were not very happy about the choice. Claiming it was cruel to portray any animal that way PETA once again became involved. Several of PETA's board of directors, including Helena Handbasket, Warren Peace and Emma Roid were livid that anyone would think that a commercial focusing on an animal's obvious lack of intelligence was the least bit funny.

When we asked AFLAC for a reaction to these charges being made by PETA, one company representative, Haka Lue Gie, stated, "These people are never satisfied. We have tried to make everyone happy, we even made the duck smarter, but no, they want more". Upon hearing this, another PETA employee, Chris P. Bacon turned to the gentleman and told him that it wasn't enough and claimed the company had only one agenda and that was to make money. Several AFLAC executives agreed saying "duh" in what can only be described as a taunting manner.

At that point all semblance of civility was lost. Several PETA protesters started dumping tar on the AFLAC representatives and topping it off with feathers. When it was pointed out to the PETA people that the feathers they were using had to come from somewhere and that somewhere was more than likely dead ducks, well let us just say that it was not a pretty sight. AFLAC executives were running around, flapping their arms and quacking. PETA protesters were yelling that they were not real feathers, that they were synthetic, man-made. This caused the AFLAC people to continue their taunting and pretending to shoot each other so they could lie down, give a last quack and die.

It took several hours and two different police departments to bring everything under control. Officer Harry Pitts of the Dinwiddie Police Department told us he had never seen anything like this.

PETA representatives were heard making comments in reference to another protest at the AFLAC Company. When questioned further Warren Peace was quoted as asking the interviewer "Have you seen their latest commercial?" When the reporter indicated that they had not Mr. Warren stated, "It's about a goat, can you believe that? They are absolutely cold-hearted; I mean picking on a poor defenseless goat. Their self-esteem is low enough without some big company making them look worse."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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