Eddie the Eagle "flies" again
Britain will have a new swimming hero at next years Olympics and that someone will be "Eddie the Eel", formerly known as "Eddie the Eagle".
Read full storyBush Declares National Emergency!
In a special address to the nation today, President George W. Bush has announced his plan for addressing the economic emergency caused by hyper-inflation of the fiat US dollar and Congress' runaway spending on war and entitlement programs.
Read full storyHillary the first black woman president of the United States?
Washington DC - (ReUterus): "Sure I can do black, why ever not?" Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said today.
Read full storyGoldman Sachs bails out Bush's hedge fund with $3bn
Canary Wharf, Shitty of London - (Ass Mess): Hedge Funds, a term synonymous with Bush Slush Funds only even bigger, are financial scams open to invitation-only mobster cartels wanting to make a packet without paying any tax on earnings and run withou...
Read full storyOldest Woman, Who Stole for Booze, Dies
(Japan) The world's oldest living person, Yone Minagawa, has died at age 114. She was as sprightly as ever until her last moments, noted her carer on Tuesday.
Read full storyIt's gonna be terrible for the Clintons
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Flushed from yet another triumph of pubic speaking at Greenwich's O2 Arena, formerly The Dome, ex-US President Bill Clinton was feted tonight by London's glitterati who had come to worship at Moloch's throne a...
Read full storyBranson chatshow tantrum over Virgin rocket that bombed
New York - (Ass Mess): Richard Branson has shown New York just what a puny prick he really is when his pitiful, massively over-inflated male ego sustained a brusing on a live chatshow hosted by Stephen Colbert.
Read full storyWorst Ever Case Of Tapeworm Found In South London
CROYDON, Saaf London (Defecated News) - Things in South London are grim. Murders, drugs, gangs, guncrime and smelly people generally. But now, it would appear, things have gotten worse, much worse, oh yes, I ain't kidding, just w...
Read full storyTom DeLay To Form PAC With Ahmed Chalabi
(Houston--Texas) Recently deposed House Majority Leader Tom Delay isn't letting the possibility of jail time stop from future political plans. DeLay announced today that he will be relocating to Iraq, and he and Ahmed Chalabi will be forming a po...
Read full storyJack Ruby Da Movie
LONDON (Defecated News) - Conspiracy Productions based in Los Angeles have announced here in London today that they will be making a biographical movie of Jack Ruby, the man who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who killed JFK, the m...
Read full storyLois Lane Says She Is Having Superman's Baby
(Metropolis) - Newspaper reporter, Lois Lane, today reported on her own pregnancy. According to the Daily Planet, Lois is having a baby with her long time life partner, Superman, aka the Man of Steel, Clark Kent, etc.
Read full storyNew Britney Spears Dolls Arrive For Chrsitmas
LONDON (Defecated News) - Thousands of boxes have arrived from China in preparation for what could be the biggest selling children's toy ever. The new Britney Spears doll will be on sale from September and is se...
Read full storyOMFG! I just l-u-r-v-e Brad so much I'll even stop shagging slags, says Angelina
Hollywood, California - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): "I'll do absolutely anything to keep my man's attention," Angelina Jolie has told reporters.
Read full story15 August: The Feastday of the Assumption of Mary
Vatican City - (ReUterus): "We always assumed 15 of August was the right date that the UFO came for Mary and zapped her up to heaven, body and soul" says a Vatican Official Doctrine Committee enclyclical about the Blessed Virgin Mary's...
Read full storyMattel Recalls Billions Of Toys
Mattel, the US toymaker, has recalled billions of toys for the second time in two weeks, because traces of the food additive Monosodium glutamate (MSG) were found in them.
Read full storyBahrain's Prince Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa sues Michael Jackson
Royal Courts of Justice, London - (Law Briefs News): Singer Michael Jackson is being sued in London's Royal Courts of Justice by the Emir of Bahrain's son Prince Abdullah over the return of a master demo tape the two made together in 2005 fea...
Read full storyTony Blair to have his own Chat Show
ITV has announced an incredible coo (what's the word ed?) over it's rivals in securing a prime time chat show with none other than Tony Blair presenting...
Read full storyBig Brother Begs Shilpa Shetty "Come Back"
Yes, in a sensational new development it can now be revealed that Big Brother is desperate for Shilpa Shetty to return.
Read full storyNRC advises NASA to start a search for "weird life" replacement for Capt Lisa Nowak
Cape Canaveral, Florida - (Ass Mess): The US government's space advisor, the National Research Council, has urged NASA to start a search for what it describes as "weird life" to replace disgraced love-tug astronut Captain Lisa Nowak fol...
Read full storyApple Thieves Killed By Local Hero
Labia, SOMERSET (Defecated News) - At the tail-end of what has been a nightmare summer for local apple farmers, high levels of stolen produce leaves one farmer with no alternative - to kill the little thieving bastards. And yesterday...
Read full storyDisruption at Heathrow Protests
It seems the bad weather which dogged the UK in July is continuing as torrential rain hits east London.
Read full storySp**f Writer Faces Axe Over Net Usage
Reports are coming in this morning about a worker facing dismissal for using an internet site instead of doing some hard graft. The story, carried 'on the wind' by word of mouth whispers, relates to an employee of a global enterprise, who, it is a...
Read full storySri Lankan Wins £4m In Racism Case.
LONDON (Defecated News) - At the International Court Of Human Rights today, a British Sri Lankan was awarded £4.2m today after he successfully sued a high street burger restaurant for racism.
Read full storyCormac McCarthy: Igniting Your Weber Genesis Gold Gas Barbecue Grill
by Cormac McCarthy*...
Read full storyFurtive Glance at Friends Penis in Locker Room Makes You Gay
Authorities from the Society To Regulate Abnormal Impulses and Gay-Homo Temptation (S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T.) have confirmed that even a passing glance at the flaccid penis of another male makes you homosexual.
Read full storyAFGHANISTAN - the musical!
Yes, Afghanistan. For years, we've loved it as a country, dreamt of its sexy culture, and marveled at its global standing as a leader in agriculture, industry, and diplomacy.
Read full storyDear Mr. Beale - How to (not) Be Alone
Dear Mr. Beale, My wife recently left me, and I've been very alone. All the self help books I've been reading tell me I was in a co...
Read full storyiPhone Upgrade To Have Built in Enema Function
How nifty is the new iphone?! It does everything. You can phone your friends, text message them, email them, chat with them; listen to your music, watch your movies, surf the web; use the built-in swiss army knife to open beers, and 8 or 9 later stab a friend; and otherwise pretend that technology is making your more rather than less social. All in that with a touch-sensitive screen in a little sm...
Read full storyThe Ballad of Henri Paul
The following, upon the tenth anniversary of the tragic demise of Princess Di, is a fairly accurate accounting of what actually transpired the night that Perky Yellow Flame beloved by so many, was extinguished. Herewith is: The Ballad of Henri Pa...
Read full storyNational Lottery As Hard To Win As Ever
A survey commissioned by the sister company of gambling facilitator Camelot, has revealed that the National Lottery is as hard to win as ever, and that many people "don't even get their money back".
Read full storyParis - Oh Brother!
From the wealthy doors of Hilton Hotels, exploding news that Paris Hilton will now take part in Big Brother popular show.
Read full storyHilton tells Lampard "I'm pregnant and its yours!" Mourinho say he's proud!
Reports have surfaced that Chelsea star Frank Lampard has checked into the Paris Hilton (talent-less socialite, not the French location of the popular hotel chain), resulting in the conception of a child.
Read full storyBritney Spears Sucks Face, Topless in Pool With College, Boy Toy
According to one of Britney Spears latest flings, Britney was fun to squeeze and fondle, she's firm and supple and she's a champion kisser. Pretty tight and impressive for a mother of two.
Read full storyKarl Rove Quits White House to be Disneyland Greeter
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Karl Rove, the ruthless political genius backing President Bush in his takeover of the Presidency and the political adviser of nearly seven years, announced his resignation Monday to become a greeter at Disneyland.
Read full storyAlbany County Supreme Court Races Against Time
Altamont, NY (Times Union Staff Writer) - According to locals here, the only thing sweeter than the upcoming apple harvest and eventual cider-drinking could be the legal showdown currently brewing in the Albany County Supreme Court.
Read full storyPrice Crash for Sub-Prime Players
Markets were in turmoil yesterday as the price of football players tumbled worldwide.
Read full storyBritney Spears Naked - A Cool Band Name
An enterprising female rock band has taken on a new name, and some controversy. Calling themselves Britney Spears Naked, the group hopes to capitalize on the huge internet search volume for that phrase to give them exposure to potent...
Read full storyRescue of Princess Leads to Nastiest Sex in History of Enchanted Kingdom
Prince Charming found her in the tower-the lovely princess Willownella, very sleepy and very innocent. The dragon had kept men away for at least a 100 years.
Read full storyQuestions of Insincerity Could Invalidate Treaties
A current United States president, speaking under the conditions of anonymity, told our people today that he and senior oval office staff are looking into the possibilities that several long-standing treaties and agreements with numerous European nat...
Read full storyA Bureaucrat Dies
San Francisco - A bureaucrat died today in a wildfire while hiking the less groomed regions of northern California. Witnesses said he was trying to help his family escape the rapidly approaching blaze by retreating along a hilly path.
Read full storyBaby Names Become Increasingly Surreal Outlets for Parents' Suffocated Identities
Contemporary parents, tired of common, pronounceable designations like Emily or Michael, have been gravitating toward more elaborate, esoteric names for several decades. As culture has crested the 21st Century, American parents - who find their indiv...
Read full storyPeeved Penn Pissed about Post
Uber A-list actor's actor, Sean Penn has been disturbed by recent remarks conservatives have made about liberal activists - Hollywood liberals in particular, says a close Penn pal.
Read full storyBlack Community Buries N-Word - White Community Switches to C-Word, J-Word, PM-Word, "Democrats"
While activists and leaders throughout the African-American community recently celebrated the "burial" of one of history's most ill-regarded racial epithets, the white American majority shrugged, and dusted off a shelf-full of less-prom...
Read full storyShot Recipies You Gotta Try!
Sex on the Beach? A Blow Job? A Buttery Nipple? An Orgasm?...
Read full storyDonald Duck & Goofy: The Taliban Killers
Open on a lonely bar in the middle of the Nevada desert.
Read full storyFOX NEWS to launch FOX NEWS CLASSIC
In a move that surprised some and intrigued others and left still others vaguely indifferent, Rupert Murdoch introduced FOX NEWS CLASSIC to the cable viewing audience. The network will consist largely of old newsreels and editorials from local news c...
Read full storyGlobal Warming Said to Cause My Six Month Dry Spell
"I haven't gotten laid in six months, and Global Warming apparently is to blame," say local scientists.
Read full storyStudies Show that Experts Agree
Recent research completed by credible third-party sources confirms overwhelmingly what some say: When it comes to reinforcing consensus, establishing baseline understanding, or evaluating overall trends, most experts agree.
Read full storySopranos Viewing Party Ends in Bloodbath
Hoboken, NJ - A Sopranos viewing party ended in a bloodbath Sunday at the home of a local teamster, Cosimo Mancini. The fighting apparently began after disappointed friends began arguing about the controversial ending to the popular HBO show about a...
Read full storySmall Town to Eagerly Welcome New Dork
Ferretsville, SC - In what is being hailed as "the best thing to happen around here in over a decade", the township of Ferretsville (Pop. 421) is welcoming Myron Wilburforce Tuppley (14, and small for his age) and his parents, Preston and D...
Read full storyCenter for Disease Control Discovers Skanks Bad for your Health
The CDC (Center for Disease Control) in Atlanta, Georgia has discovered that association with "skanks is bad for your health. After a long, protracted study involving both skanks and control groups, it was determined that the skanks offered hig...
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