Labia, SOMERSET (Defecated News) - At the tail-end of what has been a nightmare summer for local apple farmers, high levels of stolen produce leaves one farmer with no alternative - to kill the little thieving bastards. And yesterday, that's just what one local hero did.
Jack Foxton, maker of the famous 'Foxton's Olde Labia Cyder' caught two boys stealing apples from his farm. He defended himself and his property by shooting each of them in the back ten times and parading the bodies on an apple cart and riding through town with locals waving hankies and cheering.
"It was all getting too much for me", said the cider tycoon who makes an estimated £13m per annum. "Little baaastards were tea-leafing my produce and I'm not haaavin any o'thaaaat."
The Mayor Of Labia declared Foxton a 'Local hero and preserver of tradition.'
The parents of dead thieves Billy Potter (7) and Jamie Downs (9) have expressed they sorrow for the pain caused to Foxton and agreed to pay him an undisclosed figure as compensation for his lost apples. It is understood both families have sold their homes.
