Vatican City - (ReUterus): "We always assumed 15 of August was the right date that the UFO came for Mary and zapped her up to heaven, body and soul" says a Vatican Official Doctrine Committee enclyclical about the Blessed Virgin Mary's official feastday.
And as every Catholic has to believe, on pain of excommunication, Mary was transported into Heaven with her body and soul united, fully alive, never to die but having ended the course of her physical earthly life.
Huh?
No actual appropriate space gear has ever been officially defined by the Catholic Church although in recent years children at London's Oratory School have been commended for producing interesting artwork showing a Star Trek-style of transporter mechanism beaming Mary from her house near the Sea of Galilee up into a floating craft hovering close to the area of Nazareth.
Mary's Assumption was "dogmatically and infallibly" defined by Hitler's Pope, Pius XII in 1950 in his Apostolic Constitution Munificentissimus Deus.
And ever since it has been the target of much protest from the scientific community which has slated Vatican policies of drip-feeding daft sci-fi nonsense as risible hogwash.
Many in the Catholic Church itself have puzzled at the whole business and still can't see why Pius was corralled into the position of making such a daftass infallibility claim on Mary's ascent into heaven.
However, recently discovered papal archives show that he was bribed into making the pronouncement after getting caught out during the Nuremberg trials about some whoppers he told regarding his role in the Holocaust.
And the price he was forced to pay for gagging Eurotrash aristos from testifying against him resulted in the Munificentissimus Deus pronouncement.
In exchange scions of the Hapsburg, Valois, Romanov and Savoy royal houses agreed never to mention what they knew about the hoary old patriarch masquarading as Pius XII.
This includes that he fathered both the George Bush Senior and George Bush Junior lookalikes who have enjoyed such spectacular ID theft careers in the USA for the last 60 years portraying the GOP's darling father/son Bush combo.
Also included in the gagging business are the names of twentyfive pre-pubescent Jewish girls who fled Poland in 1940 with the help of the Vatican, only to end up in Pius's personal brothel deep underneath the Sistine Chapel.
And the icing on the cake? Pope Pius XII finally married one of his favorite juveniles after she bore him the doppenganger who eventually became George Bush Junior.
The hapless woman is alive and well today, protected by countless CIA scams.
Her only complaint? "That bastard son of mine has never so much as sent me a Christmas card for the last 60 years!"
