Sexy Supermodel Kate Upton Dating Detroit Pitcher Justin Verlander
DETROIT - It appears that Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton may have found the sports figure she has been looking for. Upton and American League all-star pitcher Justin Verlander, who pitches for the Detroit Tigers, were recently spotte...
Read full storyNadine Coyle Brands Cheryl Cole a Talent Bint
It has been reported by visitors of Nadine Coyle's Irish themed LA bar, that Coyle herself named ex band mate Cheryl Cole a "talentless bint." She was apparently "stone cold sober" when she made the claim. The singer had walked to the stage t...
Read full storySausage Company Study Shows NO Negative Health Consequences for Vegans Who Double or Even Triple Sausage Intake
Modern-day medical research demonstrates a clear and consistent link between meat consumption and virtually all Western diseases - cancer, heart disease and diabetes, to name just a few. Could sausage possibly be an exception? Sausage company H...
Read full story"Are your Swiss Bank Accounts Any Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago"? Mitt To U.S. Dressage Federation Convention
Mitt Romney today demonstrated a profound sense of the moment and just how severely in touch he can be with his audience in a speech before the U.S. Dressage Federation summer convention being held in the Cayman Islands over the past two months. It w...
Read full storyPaul Simon at Hard Rock Calling - Review
EIF News & Features' tame music critic Pierre Noxious hasn't put pen to paper for us for a while, so when we heard he was going to see Paul Simon at Hyde Park we water-boarded him until he agreed to review the show for us at standard NUJ rates… Paul Simon is a songwriter and musician of unparalleled skill, observation, wit and talent. Just as well really, because Hyde Park is a horrible,...
Read full storyNottingham News: For W/E: 14th July 2012 - With Comments
Monday 9th July 2012 Topic: Crime - Murder "Man died after stabbing in Nottingham" Source: Nottingham Police Site Extract: A man who died after sustaining injuries during the early hours of this morning was stabbed, police have tonight confirmed. A Home Office post-mortem examination confirmed the cause of death as a stab wound to the leg. The victim, who is believed to be in h...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments: W/E: 14th July 2012
Monday 9th July 2012 * Still the knees are bothersome, but I got some good sleep in for once. * Noticed that two burglar alarm lights on adjoining houses opposite were flashing on the street when I opened the windows about 0330hrs, the rain was falling (well, belting down!), and a new collection of crushed beer cans were scattered over the street outside - so, nothing unusual there! * Pop...
Read full storyTour de France's Surprising Mundanity
The Tour de France sensationally passed off today with no criminal incident. Onlookers looked on with stunned amazement as no discernable sabotage or doping or any other criminality occurred. With the possible exception of Bradley Wiggins' yellow...
Read full storyDogging Tragedy Leaves Three Dead
The picturesque village of Little Divot suffered yet another in a long line of headline making calamities after three local residents met their maker in a most undignified way. The three perverted victims, named locally as Randy B'Stard, Fanny So...
Read full storySelected Political News for W/E 14th July 2012 - with comments
Monday 9th July 2012 Topic: Traffic chaos, Wardens reinstated "Parking wardens' comeback in Aberystwyth" Source: The Sun Extract: The free-for-all in Aberystwyth, Wales, has caused chaos and forced council bosses to do a U-turn. A seven-strong team will now start ticketing again on bank holiday Monday. The change of heart came after the town laid off its last traffic warden in Ju...
Read full storyIts official, Nick Clegg has finally started shaving
The embarassing boyish bum fluff in finally beginning to disappear from that delicate soft skinned chin to be replaced by a more darker stiffer growth of hair. He's secretly hoping this welcome change will make him appear more manly, like his former...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 16th July 2012
Liverpool have turned down an approach from Newcastle to get Andy Carroll on a season long loan. They refused the deal after Chelsea turned down an approach from Liverpool to take Fernando Torres on a season long loan. Chelsea turned down the offer after Shanghai Shenhua turned down an approach from Chelsea to take Didier Drogba on a season long loan. Shanghai Shenhua turned down the app...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 15th July 2012
Arsenal's new signing Lukas Podolski has urged striker Robin van Persie to stay at the club after the Dutchman said he will not be signing a new Gunners contract. "Please don't go, please don't go, Rob I love you so, and I want you know" ... Kilmarnock manager Kenny Shiel has had to give up on re-signing his midfielder son, Dean, saying he does not have the money to bring in any additional pl...
Read full storyAthlete's Foot arrives in London for Games
London - A nasty outbreak of Tinea Pedis or foot ringworm has arrived in London and is heading straight for the Olympic Village. Foot-in-Mouth Olympic sources said this afternoon they are dealing with the problem by making competitors walk through...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 14th July 2012
Nottingham Forest's new owners want Peterborough manager Darren Ferguson, 40, to take charge of the team after they sacked Steve Cotterill Ferguson is odds on with the bookies, other names on the list include Nigel Clough, Roy Keane, Roy Keanes dog and a statue of Brian Clough the 1000/1 outsider. Michael Owen says he is still waiting for a "good opportunity" ahead of the new season, but has...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 12th July 2012
Wolves pair Steven Fletcher and Matt Jarvis can leave the relegated club - but only for "once-in-a-lifetime offers". No word yet form Angelina Jolie - but never give up hope. The Al-Hasawi family have completed their takeover of Championship side Nottingham Forest from the estate of Nigel Doughty. They're gonna be fuming when they find out its a football club and not a real forest. In an a...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 13th July 2012
Porto striker Hulk has denied he is close to signing a deal to join Chelsea. The 25-year-old, who is part of the Brazil squad for this summer's Olympics, is happy to remain in Portugal. He's waiting for Chelsea to play in a green kit before he signs an incredible deal. David Beckham will not stay in London for the whole Olympics after he was left out of the Team GB squad. He will instead retu...
Read full storyJoe Paterno Family to Conduct Its Own Whitewash
Word out of Happy Valley, PA, is that the fox is rounding up the usual suspects over the hen house raid. Worse, the Paterno family believes the Freeh Report is inaccurate, and they will set the record straight. Yes, there is no more reliable and o...
Read full storyRon Paul To Appear On Dancing With The Stars
BOISE, Idaho - Congressman Ron Paul's political campaign tour stopped off in Boise, the town where potatoes were first invented hundreds and hundreds of years ago. The native Texan told a crowd that had gathered in the parking lot of the local Bur...
Read full storyOlympic Security Problem Solved!
Ministers have denied there is to be a shortfall in security in the coming Olympic Games. They insisted this was an "oversight" and security is to be expected at full capacity. Brian Binns, MP for Heathrow and Gatwick said "I don't know what all...
Read full storyLady Gaga Goes Ga-Ga For New Boy-Toy
MANHATTAN - Lady Gaga says that she has been keeping pretty much of a low profile recently and it has helped her to re-evaluate the direction of her career. The singer told Ty Tickler with Hollywood Innuendo that she wants to be more than just a s...
Read full storyOil Slick Causes Chaos During The Tour de France
Disruption in the middle of Stage 15 of The Tour de France as Olivier Arbre clumsily clattered off his one hundred year old bicycle, spilling the gallons of olive oil he had earlier collected from the press. When interviewed by passing Bradley Wi...
Read full storyDonald Trump Wants To See Condoleezza Rice's Birth Certificate
NEW YORK CITY - In the interest of fair play, billionaire talking head, Donald Trump says that if Mitt Romney picks Condoleezza Rice to be his vice-presidential running mate that he will insist on viewing her birth certificate. Political Salad Bar...
Read full storyIn A Shocking Turn of Events: American Idol Is Losing All Three of Its Judges
HOLLYWOOD - Season 12 of American Idol is going to look a little bit different that the end of last season did. The only recognizable person on the show will be Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest. Word out of Tinsel Town is that there are serious rumblings c...
Read full storyYet another weeky leeks scoop
Our intrepid reporter has just phoned in his latest report, telling us that the well known geriatric crooner Wankadink Humpanoldbag actually died eight months ago. Apparently what we see is an excellent Japanese robotic clone, inch perfect. The voice is masterful and undistinguishable from the real thing, even down to the occasional gasping croak,which one would expect from such an aged person.
Read full storyTweets for the Tweet, and Rolled Newspapers for the Stars
The full-page advertisement in Boston newspapers has been the best way for people to communicate when they make their way out of town. This past weekend in July, both Ray Allen (formerly of the Boston Celtics) and Kevin Youkilis (formerly of the B...
Read full storyMeet American Idol's New Judges: The U.S. Supreme Court
Hollywood - With Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson dismissing themselves as American Idol judges, the show's producers have hired the U.S. Supreme Court to takeover all talent evaluations and rulings on the program. "Listen up, dogs,"...
Read full storyRats Laugh If Tickled, But There's More to the Story
Scientists were quite elated recently with their earthshaking discovery. Spoof reporters, however, have gone behind the scenes to get all the details about the observed connection between tickling and rat laughter. Like the scientists, they used...
Read full storyOlympic Medals to be decided by general public vote via phone in system
In a refreshing change to how Olympic medals will be awarded the IOC has announced that the public will decide which of the first three competitors in each event will receive the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals during the London games. The concept,...
Read full story'Whorsemeat sausages' all the rage among Kazahk Olympic shot put hopefuls
London - 'Kazy Karta' chipolatas made from surplus Kazakh thoroughbreds will be beefing up the country's shot put team's Olympic chances according to an announcement today. The Astana delicacy has an awesome reputation among the nation's gastropod...
Read full storyJudge allows badge culls to stop protestors
Hundreds of protestors wearing 'Stop Badger Culls' badges were lined up outside the High Court yesterday and stripped of their badges. A judge upheld a Government proposal for two pilot culls to tackle outbreaks of NTBC (No To Badger Culls) in Lon...
Read full storyIndiana Jones Hired to Find the Lost Red Sox
Larry Lucchino is one of the high muckety-mucks at the Boston Red Sox. His exact title is unknown due to the covert nature of his position with the team. Word has leaked that Lucchino has asked GM Ben Cherington to sign Indiana Jones to find the L...
Read full story13,000 year-old poo tells story of gassed-up Native Americans
HARFOLD, Vt. - Scientists at Harfold State College have come to some very different conclusions than their colleagues at the University of Oregon as to what a piece of 13,000 year-old poop means to the history of North America. "Our Oregonian coll...
Read full storyOperatic Boy Band Fail to Protect Nation
Four opera singers from Guildhall entrusted with protecting the nation during the Olympics have sensationally pulled out. G4 were Pop Factor contestants in some year in this decade. After a string of gigs in the immediate aftermath of the show, th...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Comforts Tom Cruise
TARZANA, California - Cheryl Cole took time off from her busy schedule to fly from London to Los Angeles and provide Tom Cruise with two comforting shoulders. The handsome couple spent the afternoon relaxing at the famed Tarzan & Jane Petting...
Read full storyOlympic Shock Move
The International Olympic Committee has taken the drastic step of moving the venue of the Olympic games this year from London to Athens. 'We have been worried for some time about the bungling British apology for satisfactory preperation' said IOC...
Read full storyMoD Admits Soldiers Volunteering to Return to Afghanistan Rather than Patrol in London During Olympics
The Ministry of Defence has confirmed reports that many soldiers have slapped in requests to return to Afghanistan early rather than be deployed in London during the Olympics. Commanding Officers claim that many of their men, when faced with the p...
Read full storyTulisa Sex Tape Row Over
At the High Court yesterday X Factor judge and singer Tulisa Contostavlos received a "sincere apology" from her ex-boyfriend Justin Edwards after he posted an intimate video of her performing a sex act on him onto the internet. The video surfaced...
Read full storyDavid Beckham, creator of 'Bend it Like Beckham', in promising move to open Rehab Centres.
Los Angeles, California: LA Galaxy lost 4-3 against rivals San Jose recently. In the final minute of the match, David Beckham was able to 'rehabilitate' an injured player with a 'Bend it Like Beckham' dead ball shot. It was reported that David B...
Read full storyMitt Romney May Tap Condoleezza Rice To Be His Veep
ABERDEEN, South Dakota - Mitt Romney's campaign staff has urged him to hurry up and pick a vice-presidential running mate so that a lot of the focus and pressure can be taken off of him and placed on his choice for GOP running mate. A source withi...
Read full storyTracey Emin's new exhibit hailed a critical success
Foremost British Female Artist with Attitude, Tracey Emin's latest exhibition has been hailed her most daring work yet. BBC Art Correspondent, Will Gompertz, has visited the latest works by Emin and has nothing but good words to say about it. "...
Read full storyMegan Fox To Star In The Film The Titillating Trophy Wife
HOLLYWOOD - Word out of Tinsel Town is that Bellanino Terrabini will soon be directing the Pipe Dreams Films production of The Titillating Trophy Wife. The movie based on the novel by Concordette Corsendonk will star Megan Fox as the young, vivaci...
Read full storySteven Tyler Quits American Idol
LOS ANGELES - Steven Tyler, at the age of 64, says he wants to get back to rocking and rolling with his band Aerosmith. Tyler spoke with Buck Yazoo of Yippee-Ki-Yay Magazine about the band's soon-to-be-released album. "Lips" as he is known said th...
Read full storyBBC Science department experimented on Syd Little
In the late seventies Little and Large were at their peak and one of the most popular acts on television, but in the late summer of 1979 it is alleged that the BBC Science department conducted scientific experiments on Syd Little. Little had agre...
Read full storyThe Spoof blamed for the O2 Network crash
Popular website, The Spoof, has been identified as the source of the network crash that brought down the O2 phone network. "It turns out," said Tom O'Byle, technical director at O2, "that the Spoof was being run from the laptop of the editor using...
Read full storyJosh Beckett Can Still Win 20 Games in 2012
Can Josh Beckett still win 20 games this season for the Boston Red Sox? Could he end the season of 2012 with a record of 20-12? Panic-stricken fans in Red Sox Nation are ready to let Beckett go to the highest bidder, dismissing his career as alrea...
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