Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 16 July 2012

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In the good old days you would get dirty videos from a dodgy bloke down the pub. Not any more.

At the High Court yesterday X Factor judge and singer Tulisa Contostavlos received a "sincere apology" from her ex-boyfriend Justin Edwards after he posted an intimate video of her performing a sex act on him onto the internet.

The video surfaced in March this year and initially, Edwards, who claims to be a rapper despite no one knowing who he is, denied being responsible.

Once he accepted that he did release the video he then went on to deny it was a sex tape. Edwards, also known as MC Ultra, claimed he had been bitten on his trouser snake by his pet spider and that Tulisa was merely sucking the poison out. He went on to say that he had posted the video on the web as a helpful guide for anyone else who had suffered a similar problem. Edwards, a confirmed idiot, has admitted that this explanation was a cock and bull story engineered to get him off the hook.

One of Edwards' close friends reckons Tulisa deserved to be embarrassed publicly for allowing Edwards to make a recording of the sex act in the first place. The friend commented, "She must of been pretty naive to think that the tape would never see the light of day. What a sucker."

The release of the tape led to an unprecedented amount of sweaty, acne ridden teenage boys visiting their local accident and emergency departments with sprained wrists and suffering from temporary blindness.

Tulisa, 24 today, accepted her ex-boyfriends apology but refused his offer of a pearl necklace as a form of compensation.

One of Tulisa's friends told us, "The irony is, if he released the tape to hurt Tulisa and her career while trying to boost his own so called career it has backfired spectacularly, just like a recklessly administered enema. Her career is blossoming and he is still a nobody."

Mr Edwards still faces the possibility of being sent to prison where he may end up as the subject of someone elses sex tape.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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