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Monday, 16 July 2012

image for "Are your Swiss Bank Accounts Any Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago"? Mitt To U.S. Dressage Federation Convention
Dressager shows off her horse's canter on Cayman beach

Mitt Romney today demonstrated a profound sense of the moment and just how severely in touch he can be with his audience in a speech before the U.S. Dressage Federation summer convention being held in the Cayman Islands over the past two months. It was impossible to count how often he received standing ovations on account of its utterly and totally non intermittent nature.

"Men, how many times since our spring convention in St. Barts have you all had to break the bad news to your wife?... 'Honey, we can't have a fleet of yachts to keep in all the finest places we visit if we buy that new palace in Monaco'," Mitt said to the stylishly adorned $1,000,000 a plate dinner goers.

"Why do we dressage"? an eyes-a-twinkling Mitt asked. "Certainly not for the tax breaks on things like deductions for colt nannies, rink wood chips, horse health care and rink construction debt service. No. We love dancing with horses because we are idle and silly rich, and it gives us something to do besides outsource jobs to places awash in cheap labor."

"Don't get me wrong. Nothing compares to a good old fashioned hostile takeover to get ahold of a company's assets and force bankruptcy that gets people fired to get your juices flowing. But there is also something to be said for keeping a failing company afloat just to see how humiliatingly low a wage people not like us are willing to tolerate just to feed their families," Mitt reasoned to the nodding throng... "As long as you remember," Mitt cautioned, "...that even leveraged capital buy outs my old friend Michael Milken taught me about go only so far to cut wages so that more guys like Juan here will not have to come all the way to America for a job that pays squat," Mitt cracked as the horse balleters practically neighed with laughter. "Ha!Ha!Ha!Hee-Hee!Heeeeeee!"

At one point Mitt and the dressagers just about whinnied their heads off in a sort of delirious in sychness and could not stop. "Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Heeeeeeeeee"! the echoing sounds of raucous revelry fueled by Perrier-Jouet champagne resonated throughout the great hall.

"I come to you today to ask for your votes, but mostly for some of your petty cash in the nine digit neighborhoo... Ha!Ha!.. neighborhow.. Ha!Ha!Ha!.. neighborhood," Mitt stammered while breaking out in an uncontrollable guffaw. "Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha"!

When there was a short break in the din, Mitt again brought the house down around him and sent them rolling in the aisles when he said he could not wait to see "all you dazzling lookers in all your lovely jewelry and shiny broaches that make you all seem so much heavier than you are... Ha!Ha!.. when we.. Ha!Ha!Ha!.. get together in the Maldives in the fall. "Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!"

Mitt turned to leave, then turned back around and said: "Oh. One more thing. When you are on your way to the polls this November in your chauffeur driven limousines and Lear jets remember there are the rich, the very rich, and then there are us, the uber rich. We will need half the schmuck vote in order to win. So please, PLEASE, give at least one of them a ride to the polls, preferably someone white, a male and not too bright, someone whose Christian faith is incompatible with a belief in science... and make sure he has ID. Focus on our demographic, I tell you, and we will all laugh our way to our Swiss banks in January," Mitt concluded to resounding laughter/applause.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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