Four opera singers from Guildhall entrusted with protecting the nation during the Olympics have sensationally pulled out.
G4 were Pop Factor contestants in some year in this decade. After a string of gigs in the immediate aftermath of the show, the live concerts soon dried up. They were amazed then to be offered security work by the Government last year. Especially as none of them had played a game of tiddlywinks before, never mind being a line of defence against potential terrorist warfare. They decided they couldn't afford to turn it down however and, after adding an 'S' to their title, accepted.
G4S have admitted that they simply dont have the manpower or any kind of anything remotely resembling capability whatsoever, for the operation. 1G said "I think we may have taken on a tad too much, given that we only had 7 staff. Searching people at say, 7 entrances, we could have managed." Leaked documents however reveal their plans and initial beliefs that they could miltarily protect the country. Furthermore the documents show a shameless sycophantic intent to employ their friends and opera heroes in doing so.
News had already emerged of missiles atop a London Tower block. What wasn't reported was that G4 planned to enlist legendary opera singer Andrea Bocelli to operate the missiles. This despite being completely blind and against all form of conflict. Luciano Pavarotti was to be a sniper in a bungalow according to the documents which, considering Pavarotti is dead, exposes their hopeless incompetence.
A frail Andre Carreras, the only one of the three Tenors still alive, was pencilled in to drive, load and unleash rockets from an anti-aircraft tank. Tanks which were to be strategically placed at an elderly sheltered housing complex. While Welsh wonder Katharine Jenkins was expected to patrol the valleys of llaffymnnudkdsghdddd with grenades and heavy artillery.
In one move to be retained by troops, the Go Compare advert singer will still be utilised as a human shield wherever possible.