US issues alert over choux pastry bomber
New York - Department of Homeland Insecurity bosses are warning of a new lethal trend in international terror after discovering a consignment of Semtex explosives disguised as choux pastry in an airplane shipment headed for a DC patisserie. It's t...
Read full storyNewly Discovered Predictions of Nostradamus are Startlingly Specific
Salon de Provence, France - A recent discovery in the attic of an old chateau yielded additions to the legendary prophesies of Michel de Nostradame, popularly known as Nostradamus. Professor Yves de Shrimpone held a news conference yesterday at Ins...
Read full storyNCIS boss Jethro Gibbs claims jurisdiction in ex-Seals 'Captain Philips ship' deaths
Seychelles - Special Agent Gibbs has dispatched McGee and DiNozzo to the Seychelle Islands in the Pacific to check out the former US Navy Seals' deaths on a highjacked boat made famous by a Tom Hanks movie. The NCIS boss insisted in jockeying off...
Read full storyBiggest rise in mouse prices for seven years
The asking price of pet owners selling small rodents has risen by the biggest amount for seven years. The average price of a mouse has increased to £7-50p, across England and Wales, according to the rodent website RightMouse. This is 50 per cent h...
Read full storyOil Company's Well Explodes So It Gives Out Pizza
A Chevron well in the preparation stages for hydraulic fracturing exploded last Tuesday 50 miles south of Pittsburgh, Penn., causing a fire that lasted for four days and left one Chevron contractor unaccounted for and another one injured. Fracking...
Read full storyMiley 'I wanna tour with KISS!'
Still wondering what's with Miley's ridiculous tongue expressions? Well in an interview we did with her last week, Miley claims "Gene Simmons was just one of my child hood icons, I loved his long tongue and I would jam out to KISS when I wanted to rebel against my dad who couldn't stand the way they looked. After he started giving me a hard time about my stage appearance, I talked with my producer...
Read full storyCooperstown Will Allow Bonds, Rose, A-Rod, Shoeless Joe!
The Baseball Hall of Fame has decided to build a separate section for those admitted to the Cooperstown, New York facilities but have tested positive for drugs or other misdeeds. "This will settle the question once and for all. You may deserve to...
Read full storySEC Continues Football Dominance by Winning Gay Football National Championship
As most of America is well aware now, Michael Sams, Defensive Back from the University of Missouri, recently came out publicly and stated that he is gay and has been during his time with Mizzou. This was a landmark event because there has never been...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Invites Ann Coulter To Visit North Korea
PYONGYANG, North Korea - In one of the most surprising statements to come out of North Korea Kim Jong Un has sent an invitation to GOP political maven Ann Coulter to visit his fantastic nation (Kim's word). The leader of North Korea told The Rice...
Read full storyNew York Man Knocks Out Easter Bunny!
A man dressed as the Easter Bunny was going to a meeting of those who were being hired by Macy"s to sit with children for photographs or to tour the store telling children about where the Easter Bunny was located and about five of them could work dif...
Read full storyMichael Sam Plans to Protest Against Openly Straight Athletes
In a dramatic role reversal, an openly gay athlete, Michael Sam, who is getting ready to enter the 2014 NFL draft, has decided to protest against openly straight athletes. Sams made national headlines last month with his decision to come out publicl...
Read full storyWhite Male Shot Three Times for Playing Country Music Too Loud
NATCHEZ, MS-A white middle-aged man was shot three times at a Natchez Piggly Wiggly after another customer in the parking lot asked the man to turn down his radio, which was tuned to a Natchez country music channel. The man who shot him, an African...
Read full storyThe Reason Why Brazil Will No Longer Export Any Brazil Nuts To Russia
RIO DE JANEIRO - The Brazilian government is very angry at a recent comment made by a high ranking Russian official. Brazil's national news agency, El Libido stated that Russia's Director of Computers, Edward Snowden, said in an interview with The...
Read full storyRussia loses to Finland in hockey, immediately invades Finland for real!
The Russian men's hockey team, were eliminated from play by the Finnish men's team, 3-1 today, setting off protests throughout Russia. Under great pressure from the people of Russia to 'do something', Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered a f...
Read full storySharia court excommunicates Martians
Abu Dhabi, UAE - An Islamic court has issued a fatwa banning Mars and Martians after someone posted 1969 footage of Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful's favorite recreational snack on the I Luv Two-Hump Camels website. Imams sitting in the General...
Read full storyThe Better Business Bureau Is Investigating Pole Dancing Complaints At A Lounge In Phoenix
PHOENIX - It appears that patrons of a local bar in Phoenix, that is noted for its explicit pole dancing, is being investigated by the BBB. Desmond Dashwax, a representative for the consumer watchdog agency said that several customers of The Lady...
Read full storyDaft Blair suggested a Hutton Report-style whitewash to NewsCorpse hacking boss
London, UK - Jurors in the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson phone hacking trial heard today how ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair played a blinder with a tried and trusted remedy in the form of a semi-official, Hutton Report-style whitewash. "It work...
Read full storyIranian Warship Off The Coast of Italy Pelted With Pizzas
SIDERNO, Italy - Italy's El Vino News Agency is reporting that the townspeople of the coastal city of Siderno are not a happy group of folks these days. It seems that ever since an Iranian warship showed up off the coast a few days ago there has b...
Read full storyFour Norsemen of the Viking Pucker Lips ride this Saturday
The Cosmos - A Norwegian oral hystery cult awaits the end of the world that will take place this Saturday to fulfil the highly regarded 13th century Ragnarok Prophecy. The 'Fate or Twilight of the Gods' prediction is based on an old Viking ode w...
Read full storyKim Jong-Un Included On Mars Settlement Final Shortlist, Other Applicants Fear Forced Labor And Starvation
The Hague, Netherlands: Plans to establish a permanent human settlement on Mars were thrown into disarray yesterday when it became known that brash dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has been included on the final shortlist of volunteers to make th...
Read full storyJeremy Clarkson Sacked for Owning a Bicycle
Top Gear tall man and human toffee apple, Jeremy Clarkson, has been sacked from the BBC after it was revealed that he cycles to his local shop rather than burning precious fossil fuel in a big V8 sports car. The Top Gear presenter was found to ha...
Read full storyNASA Has Just Hired A 67-Year-Old Grandmother To Be An Astronaut
HOUSTON - President Obama recently stated to a group of retired lumberjacks up in Portland, Oregon that times have really changed. And now with NASA's announcement, that saying is really, really ringing true. NASA spokesman Trent Timmelfarb inf...
Read full storyThe Los Angeles Lakers Want Shaquille O'Neal - The Big Fella Says, "Nopers"
LOS ANGELES - The once proud Los Angeles Lakers are struggling along with a dismal 18-35 record. At that rate they will most certainly all be watching the NBA playoffs at home on their super gigantic big screen TV's. The Kobe-less Lakers just cann...
Read full storyColorado Is Bracing For Upwards of 6 Million Out-of-State Students Coming In During Spring Break
DENVER - Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper has just informed all of the law enforcement departments in the state that no one will be taking vacations the week of Spring Break. The governor stressed that the state is expecting upwards of 6 millio...
Read full storyPresident Obama Makes An Astonishing Comment About Area 51
LAS VEGAS - President Obama traveled to Las Vegas to speak at the Annual Retired Casino Card Dealers Dinner. He told the assembled group that he wanted them all to know that he did not have any aces up his sleeve. He then kidded that he did have a...
Read full storyBolivia Issues A Strong Warning To Peru
LA PAZ, Bolivia - The government of Bolivia has informed the government of Peru via a strongly worded text message that it will no longer put up with Peruvian bandits crossing into Bolivia. President Montero Santa-Cantina of Bolivia told the membe...
Read full storyDairy Queen's New Snowzilla Blizzard™ Has Taken Off
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota - The tremendous snowstorms that have struck the United States have taken a toll on the ice cream business as noted by Durango Tucker with National Focus Magazine. Tucker spoke with Dairy Queen spokesperson Columbus Vee and...
Read full storyPresident Obama Tells Kim Jong Un To Grow Up and Lock Up His Missiles
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House is reporting that President Obama has just about lost all of his patience with North Korea's Kim Jong Un. President Obama made a rare television appearance on The Gorgeous Gary Busey Show and expressed his impati...
Read full storyIan Somerhalder Explains His Kate Gosselin Cougar Comment
SAN FRANCISCO - Ian Somerhalder was visiting old friends in San Francisco when he was asked about a recent comment he had made on The View. Somerhalder, who stars in the hit cable show The Vampire Diaries told Whoopi Goldberg that he found Kate Go...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Loses 50 Pounds And States That Eric Johnson Better Marry Her And Pretty Damn Soon
REDONDO BEACH - Jessica Simpson was at The Lips of The Dastardly Dragon enjoying the heck out of a plate of Fee Fi Fo Fum Foo Foo with an unnamed lady friend when she was approached by Pia Confetti with Celebrity Globe. Jessica asked Miss Confetti...
Read full storyPresident Putin Bans Justin Bieber From The Sochi Olympics
SOCHI, Russia - Justin Bieber told his manager to make arrangements for him and his 16-person entourage to fly to Sochi, Russia to attend the Winter Olympics. After the Sochi Organizing Olympics Committee received the message they instantly contac...
Read full storyCarrie Underwood Cancels Three Concerts In Colorado Because She's Afraid of Marijuana
BOISE, Idaho - Carrie Underwood performed at The Mashed Potatoes Arena in Boise and the crowd absolutely loved her. Afterwards the Oklahoma native sat down in her dressing room backstage and talked with Calcutta Cotton of Music Moments Magazine.
Read full storyTara Reid To Get A State-of-The-Art Nipple Procedure Done
LOS ANGELES - Ten years ago actress Tara Reid went in for breast augmentation surgery and the results were horribly horrendous to quote Playboy Magazine mogul Hugh Hefner. Hefner said that both of Reid's nipples ended up unaligned and logistically...
Read full story"Hefty" Russian People Protest At Olympics
SOCHI, RUSSIA - A group of "hefty" Russian people were arrested today at the Olympics for protesting the lack of equality for heavier athletes at the winter games. A spokesman for the protestors pointed out that while the summer Olympics has event...
Read full storyTaiwan Olympic Team Close to Having Enough Snow to Practice Skiing
TAIPEI,TAIWAN: Excitement is building as the official Olympic team is readying their rigorous training program. "Team Taiwan" has been enlisting the help of local townspeople to create a snow slope on one of the local hills. Locals have been freez...
Read full storyFamous Irish-Americans
Here are some names revered in our history: 1. Paddy O'Connell, First man to drink green beer before New York City's St. Patrick's Day parade in 1921. 2. President John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Ted Kennedy and George Kennedy who absolutely "made" "Cool Hand Luke". 3. Mrs. O'Leary, Destroyer of Chicago. 4. That funny drunk guy, what's his name? At U. of Wisconsin, Madison. 5. Famo...
Read full storyIrish Once Again on Hotseat as Source of World's Verbal Troubles
BLARNEY, IRELAND - Irish officials have decided to close the popular tourist attraction, The Blarney Castle, amidst a world-wide outpouring of ridiculous verbiage from prominent politicians. "Most of the blather is emanating from the White House, spe...
Read full storyKenny Blankenship and Vic Romano Mobbed at Sochi Olympic Village
SOCHI, RUSSIA - Once news got out that Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) were in the Socchi Olympic Village doing research for their new T.V. show, Sochi Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, athletes from all...
Read full storySerial Pot Thief Hits Boulder, Colorado
BOULDER, COLORADO - Police authorities in Boulder have been investigating a flurry of pot thefts in the community. Since the end of January over 20 different residents have reported the loss of their Cannabis plants. Colorado's recently passed ma...
Read full storyAlcatraz - New Home for San Francisco's Homeless?
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - The San Francisco City Fathers are considering a plan to turn Alcatraz, a former maximum security prison, in to a new home for some of the city's 6,436 homeless. Closed in the 1960's as a prison, Alcatraz has since been us...
Read full storyPope Giving up Lent for Lent
Pope Francis has stated that this year he will give up chastity, indulge in gluttony, and observe Lent by doing all the things he thinks about all year but never gets to do. In an unprecedented statement, the forward thinking pontiff explained that L...
Read full storyNew Fukushima Spawned Apple Variety Discovered in U.S. Grove
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Department of Agriculture announced today a new and highly unusual variety of apple has appeared in a Northwest grove and may be a result of radiation from the Fukushima, Japan nuclear power plant meltdown in Marc...
Read full storySkull and Bones Society wades in dirty over North Pole, Alaska satanic ring
New Haven, Connecticut - Reports that Skull and Bones Society members masterminded a satanic ring in North Pole, Alaska that recruited and groomed an alleged devil-worshiping Craigslist serial killer have stung dozens of Boners from Yale's Class of '...
Read full storyWhipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling
Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland--After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next...
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