Michael Sam Plans to Protest Against Openly Straight Athletes

Funny story written by dustylewis

Wednesday, 19 February 2014


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In a dramatic role reversal, an openly gay athlete, Michael Sam, who is getting ready to enter the 2014 NFL draft, has decided to protest against openly straight athletes. Sams made national headlines last month with his decision to come out publicly and let the nation know that he is a gay football player. While there are many gay football players and athletes in general, he is the first to say so openly while playing NCAA football.

When Sam was asked about his reasoning for his decision, he had this to say; "I'm sick and tired of hearing and seeing about all of these so called straight male athletes hooking up with women all of the time. They say it's a choice they make, but I disagree. I was made gay, so clearly every other person is gay too. They choose to be with the opposite sex, that's just unnatural. It's been the biggest lie since the beginning of time. It's time for the truth to come out, that everyone is gay and that's just the way it is. Being straight and heterosexual is just disgusting, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore."

Sam has said he will not rest until the entire NFL is rid of all the "straighties". He said what bothered him most is that his parents tried to raise him straight and that they continue to live a lie in falsely sanctioned and legal marriage between a man and a woman. When asked what team he hopes to play for, Sams stated, "The Buccaneers would be ideal because of the cute Pirate mascot with the most darling pencil thin mustache and colorful uniforms. He later added, it really doesn't matter what team I'm on, because I'll be in a locker room with sweaty naked men, no matter what team."

When Sam was asked about his reasoning for thinking everyone is gay, he brought up a few points. "Have you seen the touchdown celebration dances? Those aren't moves that straight men make. They are clearly gay. Also, why else do you think there is a celebration shower after games? How has this not been so obvious to you people?" There are other points that Sams has, but he says he will make them known once he is drafted.

Whichever team decides to draft Sams will definitely have a large media spotlight shone upon them next season. Not only will they have to deal with the circus the media will bring, but Sam also has another prerogative for next season. As well as playing defense, Sams also plans to tryout and join the cheerleading squad while his team is on offense. Either way, this is going to be one interesting season in the NFL next year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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