Salon de Provence, France - A recent discovery in the attic of an old chateau yielded additions to the legendary prophesies of Michel de Nostradame, popularly known as Nostradamus. Professor Yves de Shrimpone held a news conference yesterday at Institut de Merde here, discussing the notable discovery and its import to the Nostradamus canon.
According to the Professor, what makes this recent discovery unique is the surprisingly specific nature of the predictions with the historical focus upon early 21st century personages and events in the "New Land," interpreted to mean the United States. Though most quatrains are still being researched, here are a few of them, translated from the Old French.
"The New Land shall be ruled by a prideful Prince (Obama) attended by an idiot in Fool's livery (Biden)."
"The big-chinned, aging funny clown (Jay Leno) of the New Land will give way to a young, dazed idiot (Jimmy Fallon) who shall lose his way in a wasteland of inept jibes."
"In the New Land a large-beamed witch in pants suits (Hillary Clinton) will place a curse on the Land and will continue haranguing without cease."
"A crazed village crier (Bill O'Reilly) will scream his voice nightly and loudly over the New Land, but its import will be nonsensical."
"An upside-down dust mop (John Kerry) shall be erroneously taken for an Officer of State in the New Land, but it will be used eventually to good purpose in sweeping the Palace (White House) floor by the Prince."
"An undressed village whore (Miley Cyrus) shall wander the New Land and wiggle ass in public squares for no reason."
"The former Vice Prince (Al Gore) of the New Land shall the primary source of gaseous verbal and flatulent pollutants plaguing the planet Earth."
"A decrepit group of minstrels (The Rolling Stones) shall amble through the Old Land in the throes of dementia."
"The weapon of mass destruction to be feared most in the New Land is mass ignorance of history."
Professor Shrimpone indicates that more translated predictions will be released soon.