Today's News With Rush Limbo: #2
Today's News With Rush Limbo: "Welcome to everyone, especially my loyal "Peckerheads". Apparently the law is changing in Texas so that any or every student can carry a gun to school. So if you want an honor student, send them to Texas where the teachers will never fail them...and live to tell about it. Also, in Abilene the principal has ordered a special meeting on the subject with opponent...
Read full storyNimrods to Fly Again!
For many weeks, this government have been telling us that they will have to be cutting back on our defence systems. In particular, the £20 billion contract for the Nimrod MR4 Marine reconnaissance aircraft. In Seine News has discovered that this i...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Signs Line of Panties Contract With Haralds of Hollywood
A spokesman for actress Kristen Stewart has announced that the young actress from the Twilight movies has signed a business contract with Haralds of Hollywood for them to do a line of panties that will be out during the coming summer. "We are very...
Read full storyCameron Accepts Tony Montana As New Advisor
David Cameron today confirmed that Tony Montana would be employed by the government in a drive to increase import and export figures for the UK. The self styled Cuban Mafia Man is said to have accepted the role that Lord Alan Sugar was un-able to...
Read full storyMixed Martial Arts: Rush Limbaugh v Michelle Obama
Rush "Darth Moronus" Limbaugh and Michelle "Pit Bull" Obama squared off in the octagon last night in a grudge match to end all grudge matches. The war of the words started last week with this salvo from Rush, "What is it - no, I'm trying to say...
Read full storyUS wades into 'Lockerbie Bomber Rescue' row
US officials have now spoken out concerning the alleged UK plan to rescue Abdelbaset al-Megrahi from riots in Libya. After the angry reaction by French diplomats earlier today, Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton has said that the US 'would not cond...
Read full storyToday's News With Rush Limbo!
Today's News With Rush Limbo! "In Utah, scientists building the largest anteater trap ever. I'm sorry, that's antimatter trap ever. Meanwhile in Libya, Colonel Gadhafi vows to "fight to the death. To die a farter!" I'm sorry, that should be a martyr! I get my hearing straightened out and my eyes are failing me. No wonder, these aren't my glasses. Turdly, you have my glasses. These ar...
Read full storyFrance Questions UK 'Lockerbie Bomber Rescue' Mission to Libya
Following the news that the British government was planning to mount a rescue mission to Libya, the French have reacted with disgust. In a tersely worded communiqué, the French Ambassador said that it appeared that Britain was 'acting in her self-in...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Sends Twenty Bouquets, Weird Socks to Selena Gomez
Justin Bieber may say that he and Selena Gomez are not an item but that didn't keep the singer from sending her twenty bouquets of flowers and some weird socks for Valentine's Day according to friends of Gomez. "Wow. Justin Bieber really knows how...
Read full storyFears For Facebook UK Day Of Rage
Fears rose tonight in the UK that a "Day of Rage" similar to that recently seen across the Middle East may be on the cards. Great Britain has felt unrest since the recently ousting of the last labour government; replaced by an un-elected Tory-Libe...
Read full storyInternet gaming replaces HIV as No. 1 killer of young males!
After the recent death of a Chinese man who had "gamed" himself to death after a three day session without food or drink it seems that internet gaming has replaced HIV as the world's most upcoming serious serial killer of young males, especially in A...
Read full storyGeorge Lopez Regrets Begging Kate Gosselin to Slap Him
For everything Kate Gosselin isn't, i.e. dancer, actress, balanced, she is a ratings draw. As one producer of TLC said when describing Gosselin, "she's like watching a human train wreck. You just can't turn away no matter how awful it is." When G...
Read full storySuBo fanatics declared illegal!
The planned 'Intergalatic super-duper Susan Boyle fanatics gathering', due to take place in Scotland next month, has been cancelled after being declared illegal. The gathering, which was to be attended by several billion fanatical loonies and thei...
Read full storyDavid Cameron Exposed As Politician In Egypt
Britain's Prime Minister David Cameron today admitted his concerns over the recent protests staged in several Middle Eastern countries by its dissatisfied populace. Speaking from a wealthy friend's private estate in Egypt Cairo today, he said:...
Read full storyBritish Government Scrambles Plane "to Rescue Lockerbie Bomber from Libyan Riots"
With Colonel Gaddafi refusing to relinquish power in Libya and the country in danger of descending into civil war, the British Government issued a statement today that a rescue aircraft was being readied to fly to the region. Although ministers re...
Read full storyBikini Pics of Nina Dobrev Reveal Possible Bulimia
Weighing just over one-hundred pounds, Vampire Diaries star, Nina Dobrev looks pretty slim in some recently released bikini shots. "We do worry about Dobrev", stated program manager, Mario Ginsberg. "She claims that this has been her normal weigh...
Read full storyGattuso Gets Four-Match Ban
AC Milan's Gennaro Gattuso has been banned from head-butting for four matches after clashing with Tottenham assistant coach Joe Jordan during a Champions League tie. Midfielder Gattuso headbutted Jordan following his side's 1-0 defeat in the first...
Read full story'Frisco Gay Escorts Complain About "Lack of Tips" as they Mount Attack Against Circumcision!
San Francisco advocates of Gay Rights have now shifted their focus toward jump starting the economy after noting that income for Gay Escorts has been impacted by the long held medical practice of circumcision at birth. "Circumcision was a common...
Read full storyDrunken Australian sailors condemned for what they love doing best, getting drunk!
A bunch of drunken Australian sailors have been condemned for doing what every other male Aussie traditionally does, getting thoroughly pissed. In Australia the male drink culture is renowned and the sailors who were already "piss-artists" before...
Read full storyCarlo Ancelotti Sacked After His Name Discovered To Be Strange Anagram
Football has been shaken to its very roots this evening, after it was revealed that the Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti had been relieved of his duties when Stamford Bridge executives discovered that the letters of his name, carefully rearranged, wer...
Read full storySpoof Writer Forced To Give Up Writing Snippets After 'Bad Back' Scare
A writer on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has told how he was forced to abandon his love of writing snippets for the site after he claimed doing so gave him a bad back. Bureau, real name Arnold Heffer, 68, routinely wrote between 150 and...
Read full storyColonel Gaddafi denies anything is happening in Libya
Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, esrtwhile Libyan leader and lunatic in residence in the country has flatly denied anything is happening in Libya at the moment. Dressed in an outfit donated to him by Dame Edna Everage on a recent royal visit, and sitting...
Read full storyApple release the eagerly awaited App App
Do you have too many apps on your iPhone? Well, Apple have released the most eagerly awaited Appelet of all time with the App App now available for download. "There have been rumours and whispers of this app for some weeks now," said Paul Small, o...
Read full storyFrench Sexual Crisis
Scientists testing French frogs and tadpoles have found that pollution is having a strange effect over the frogs. 'They are becoming intersexed' said Prof Bromide from the Sorebum 'there is a real mix up and no one knows who the men or women are.
Read full storyUnexploded WWII nuke suspected 'somewhere under Christchurch Harbour'
New Zealand - (Fallout Mess): Was a missing WWII atomic bomb behind the 6.3 magnitude tremor that struck New Zealand late last night? Official Pentagon records are having none of it of course. But the Soviet Union may be in the frame after deca...
Read full storyDefence Budget Hole
Defence Minister Liam Fox explained today that the holes in the Defence Budget due to incorrect procurements would be filled by an all night sitting in the House of Lords. 'For too long we have been paying too much for our procurements and some th...
Read full storyLibyan Air Force Flees to Wisconsin!
It was an excited crowd yesterday as Governor Scott Walker welcomed Colonel Omar Kadar and a contingent of the Libyan Air Force to Milwaukee's General Mitchell International Airport. Governor Walker was joined by members of the Republican National...
Read full storyPremiership Club Comes Down Hard on Player Misbehaviour
In an attempt to put a stop to the number of their players involved in high profile incidents of a sexual nature , an unnamed Premiership club has issued strict new guidelines to its squad. " (a)Unprotected sexual activities by married players with their life partners will, in the opinion of club directors, only be permitted where 9 months from the date of the intended sexual relations does n...
Read full storyBlood Pressure Diagnosis Errors Cause Rise In Blood Pressure
Doctors and nurses around the country are reporting a sudden rise in patients' blood pressure today. The news follows hard on the heels of reports that millions of people have been wrongly diagnosed with hypertension. Said Dr Liz Stethoscope, o...
Read full storyWayne and Coleen to sit on opposite side to Posh & Becks at Westminster Abbey on April 29
London - (Bucketshop): A strict ordure of precedence will be in farce when Kate and William marry, the Lord Chamberlain said today. This means the Abbey seating arrangements will reflect the same sort of national pecking order as in the Old Queen...
Read full storyCaledonium - A Scottishe Tale
And so it came to pass that Neil, No Relation, leader of the Abbreviated Timothies did tunnel his senses of humour against his ancient rival Walter, The Former Cardigan Wearer in their tribes' ceaseless endeavours for the Holy Grail known as The Caledonium Upper Order. Thanks to fatal strikes inflicted by Gary, The Spaghetti Lover and Kris The Village Greens, the Abbreviated Timothies utterly c...
Read full storyRobert Pattison, Taylor Lautner Say Microwaving Kristen's Panties Only Half the Story
Twilight actor Robert Pattinson told reporters yesterday that Taylor Lautner's story about his sniffing Kristen's panties and refreshing the smell in the microwave was only half the story. Apparently, it was the better half. "Every fan must hav...
Read full storyStriking Wisconsin Teachers in Shock! Governor Says They'll Be Forced to Take IQ Test Before Being Allowed Back in Classroom!
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker ratcheted up pressure on the state's AWOL teachers saying before they can return to the classroom, they will be forced to take an IQ test to prove they can find their ass with both hands. The teachers, who walked ou...
Read full storySecond set of Baby Roo pics the 'real' problem
Manchester - (Coochy-Coochy-Coo): Has Wayne Rooney got a bouncing 8lb indiscretion somewhere that we've not been told about? Categorically not! However Red Top gush about a camera left behind at the Mad MEN Arena last year is full of 'Coleen: M...
Read full storyFootball Managers: Dress For Success
Football managers who wear a suit on the sidelines during matches get a better performance from their players than coaches who wear sports gear, according to a study. Sport psychologist Dr Richard Thelwell, of Portsmouth University, reckons player...
Read full storyHollywood Interest in Solar Storms
Several Hollywood Directors are trying to persuade Britain's Chief Scientific Adviser, Sir John Beddington, to leave his post and join them in organising the blockbuster to beat all block busters. This follows Sir John's address to the Association...
Read full storyLickin' Fingers Cut by KFC
Kentucky Fried Chicken is dropping its 50 year old slogan - 'Finger Lickin Good' with the simple 'So Good' in a move to improve its image. Head of Operations in UK & Ireland explained that licking fingers was an environmental hazard. 'How...
Read full storyLady GaGa Running out of Crazy-Ass Costumes
After being stretchered in by dancers whilst in an egg at this year's Grammy Awards, fashion icon and sometimes-singer Lady GaGa admits that the imagination is straining for the next best thing. Speaking candidly from her home in a plated gold nut...
Read full storyThe Mayor of Tripoli refutes claims of anarchy on the streets
A spokesperson for The mayor's office in Tripoli has issued a statement that there is no anarchy or bloodshed in the streets and every one should keep calm "This is a respectable town where people work hard and get along. I do not know who this im...
Read full storyInsurgency Spreads Like Wildfire; The Spoof is Not Immune
Word from Britain today is that writers at the The Spoof are holding a series of protests to demand more rights and a say in governance of the revered institution. If they don't get what they want (an editorial board, new pencils, and faster e...
Read full storyLeaked draft of Gaddfi's resignation speech
Unconfirmed sources in Tripoli have confirmed that Col Gadaffi the darling of the Libya people until last week will be standing down.He wishes to put in place before that some new laws to help the unemployed and poorer people of the country. His m...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ryde Protests over submerged rail station
Residents of Ryde are up in arms over the location of Ryde Pier Head rail station according to Google Maps and SatNavs. "If you look on Google Maps or on your SatNav," said Ryde council woman, Hillary Dale, "you can plainly see the station is in t...
Read full storyLord Sugar's Favourite Gadget Revealed
Never short of an opinion or two, the Lord of all things business like, Sir Alan Sugar has revealed his greatest ever gadget. Speaking at a dinner to celebrate the 6th series of 'The Apprentice', the man famous for inventing computers, and being...
Read full storyTV Stars Fear For Lives - Vigilante Threatens to "Mend Programming"
Thousands of TV production staff, presenters and voice-over artistes are in hiding following death threats issued by the self-proclaimed "TV Repair Man." Stars like Masterchef Presenters John Torrode and Gregg Wallace and loveable ITV pair Ant &am...
Read full storySimon Rattle/Berlin Philharmonic - Barbican
Stravinsky: Apollon Musagete (1947) Mahler: Symphony No 4. Arguably the world's greatest orchestra is in London for a few days, showing us, among other things, Sir Simon's latest work on the Mahler cycle - some of which he demonstrated at last summer's Proms. Pierre Noxious writes: So the biggest names in orchestral music are in town for a few days and everyone's falling over themselve...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - No casualties after Snow Plough Rampage
The snow plough that was being taken from Newport to Ryde over the weekend fortunately saw no casualties during its eight hour rampage down the A3054. Witnesses doing a spot of late night shopping at Tesco say that they saw the fifteen ton bright...
Read full storyRingo Starr Vs Simon Rattle: Scouse Faves Duke It Out!
A war of words has broken out between two of Liverpool's favourite sons over who is the more loyal Scouser. Ex-Beatle, Ringo Starr is to visit the city next year as part of a world-wide tour and Sir Simon Rattle is currently in the UK with his Ber...
Read full storyChina denies that The Pandas are Spies
Chinese Premier Hu Jintao has vehemently denied that the two Pandas being lent to Japan as a good will gesture will bring up the Senkaku Islands which are disputed between the two ancient civilisations. Premier Hu reiterated while boarding his bud...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Reveals The Behind The Scenes "Sex Secrets" Of "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"
LOS ANGELES - Robert Pattinson has finally spoken out about the behind-the-scenes 'Sex Secrets' during the filming of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. R-Pattz had said that Taylor Lautner and him had made a vow to never reveal the particulars of what h...
Read full storyPressure builds on Lion King as protests spread to Pride Lands
Pride Rock, Pride Lands: Protests that have already rocked African countries including Tunisia, Egypt and Libya have now spread to the kingdom of Pride Lands. The country has been ruled by "Lion King" Simba since a 1994 coup that saw the violent o...
Read full storyShock News About Welsh Sheep
After 10 years of intensive research, scientists at Cambridge University have discovered that sheep are not nearly as stupid as previously believed. "The public's perception may have always been that these animals are inherently dumb, but our stud...
Read full storyNew Zealand Earthquake Deemed Less Newsworthy Than Taylor Swift Appearing Nude In Playguy Magazine
It's a sad reflection on life's priorities, but the inescapable fact is that the prospect of country music singer Taylor Swift doffing her top for a fictitious men's magazine holds more allure for men of a certain age, than an unfolding human tragedy...
Read full storyMP Resigns Over "Rape Seed" Remark
Independent MP Frank Thomson has resigned from the Land and Agriculture Sub Committee after being overheard "dissing" rape seed production in the United Kingdom. Rape seed is one of the most popular crop in the country and is used in the productio...
Read full storyBahrain Grand Prix Cancelled
Commentators around thee sporting world are in agreement with the decision to cancel the Bahrain Grand Prix due to the continuing unrest in the kingdom. The race, which was scheduled to kick off the Grand Prix season on March 13th, has been deferr...
Read full storyTravel Advice Relaxed for Egypt
The Foreign Office's previous instructions advising "essential travel only" for Egyptian destinations such as Cairo, Alexandria and Suez, has finally been relaxed. The warnings has been put in place in the wake of widespread unrest and civil dist...
Read full storyThe "Voluptuously Sultry" Cameron Diaz and Her New York Yankees Boyfriend A-Rod Film A Popcorn Commercial
NEW YORK CITY - Over two billion world wide viewers saw the seductively sexy Cameron Diaz hand-feeding some popcorn to her boyfriend Alex Rodriguez during this years Super Bowl XLV. Wentworth Goldenbaum, an advertising executive with Act IV Popcorn, stated that he was home watching the game in which the Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 and suddenly Cameron was shown on t...
Read full storyThe Today Show's Jill Martin Exhibits Her Magnificent Body In An "Erotically Risqué" White Bikini Swimsuit
MIAMI BEACH - Sports reporter and Today Show fashion contributor Jill "The Thrill" Martin was down in Miami Beach taking a break from her hectic schedule. Jill alternates her time between appearing on the Today Show and reporting on behind-the-sce...
Read full storyNoddy Holder Out Of Slade Claims To Have Started Sock Craze
The lead singer of Wolverhampton and Bilston based supergroup, Slade, the one and only Noddy Holder got up earlier than usual this morning to claim that he was the man responsible for the current fascination with socks and all things sock related.
Read full storySelena Gomez And Emma Watson Latch On To Socks Craze
Seems like it's official - everybody's going mad for socks. Nobody seems to know why, but socks appear to be the latest craze. It seems like every celebrity or sports star on the planet has been out shopping and buying socks this last weekend.
Read full storyMiley Cyrus And Wayne Rooney Buy Some Socks
In totally unrelated transatlantic transactions, Skoob Entertainment News supremo (who grovelled like a whimpering puppy to keep his job) Buffty Ginslinger, has related that in an amazing coincidence, US teen idol Miley Cyrus and Manchester United st...
Read full storySarah Palin Claims Her Invitation to Royal Wedding Lost in the Mail
The invitations to William and Kate's royal wedding have been sent and so far, Todd and Sarah Palin have not received theirs. A quick check of the guest list seems to indicate that they were never considered as guests, even on the long list. But t...
Read full storyCameron Calls For More "Camel Toes" In The Middle East
Prime Minister David Cameron has stolen a march on his rivals in the race to become the new Egyptian leader. Mr Cameron, frustrated in his attempts to be outright head boy in the UK, flew into Cairo to lend his support to what has been dubbed the...
Read full storyIgglepiggle steals the Susan Boyle birthday quilt. Isn't he naughty, UpsyDaisy?
Some Susan Boyle fanatics, choked on their sparkling lemonade, as they watched, "In the Night Garden", on TV, in Scotland, this afternoon. It appears that Igglepiggle, the blue teddybear star of the children's show, has swiped the latest quilt cr...
Read full storyPrince William To Stop Supporting Chelsea
As former Premier League champions Chelsea continue their slump down the table and out of the FA Cup, there was more bad news this morning when it emerged that their most Royal - though hardly most loyal - supporter, Prince William, has decided to ch...
Read full storyMegan Fox in Thong May Save the U.S. Dollar!
News out of Hollywood and Washington is that a new dollar bill that will feature sexy actress Megan Fox will replace the one with George Washington until the United States debt can be paid. "With the US dollar getting lower by the day and the US g...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Say That George Clooney Has Finally Apologized For Calling Their Kids "A Pack of Brats"
NEW ORLEANS - Well it appears that the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt vs. George Clooney Feud has finally been resolved. George Clooney had referred to the Jolie-Pitt children as a "Pact of Brats" after they had done some damage to his mansion Villa...
Read full storyTyson Fury - Great White Hope Or Just Another Horizontal Heavyweight?
There has been quite a bit of speculation over the last month or two as to whether 6'9" Irish Mancunian Tyson Fury is a credible world heavyweight contender. It seems to be a case of differing opinion. Legendary boxing trainer, Emanuel (Manny)...
Read full storyThe NFL Players Association and The NFL Owners Have Just Named Ines Sainz As Having "The Best Looking Butt In The USA"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Football Players Association and the NFL owners met in the "Capital City" to discuss the upcoming contract talks. The current NFL contract expires in March. If a settlement is not reached soon, the owners could impl...
Read full storyMan on the Street: Middle East Riots
All across the Arab nations, including Morroco, Libya, Algeria, Bahrain and others, demonstrations by the people inspired by Tunisa and Egypt are taking place, with some ending in bloodshed. Inhopeless Media Group went out and asked people. What do you think? Sarah Smith: London (CEO) - "What? Oh come on! I read in the Economist that Bahrain was one of the safest places to do business! There...
Read full storyLost Property Office clue in spy-in-the-bag whodunnit
London - (Spy-Who-Bagged-Me News): It's been described as identical to the custom-cut key found inside Gareth Williams' North Face zip-up holdall. The exact double of the titanium two-inch case opener has suddenly turned up in a bag of theatrical...
Read full storyGaddafi clings on to royal wedding invite
Tripoli - (Rioters): He's up there with Tunisia's Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali and Egypt's Hosni Mubarak, defiantly waving two fingers at UK Red Top fury. Libya's Colonel Gaddafi has vowed to sweep to Westmonster Abbey glory to see his godson Prince W...
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