Robert Pattinson Throws Two Fans Out Of His Bedroom
Twilight toothsome twosome Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have had to throw a couple of fans out of their bedroom at the hotel where they have been staying, in a bedroom of the hotel where they have been staying, in a bedroom. The hotel - The Ersatz Vampyre - is situated in Ajaccio, Corsica, where the preternatural pair have been filming the bedroom scenes for Twilight: Breaking Dawn, the...Read full story
Moral Guardians Blame Education for Youth Crime
LONDON - Books. TV. Films. Video-games. Now, education. What do they have in common? They're all blamed for teen violence. It's education's turn, which is total irony. History lessons are bearing the brunt of the forces of moral guardians, however...Read full story
Major Airline Merger Announced
British Airways and Spanish airline Iberia have signed a deal to merge and create one of the world's biggest airline groups. The merger, which was provisionally agreed in November last year, is expected to be completed by the end of this year.Read full story
Teacher Admits She's Failing Student Because She "Just Doesn't Like Him"
Oak Park, MI - Local 7th grade teacher, Ms. Penniweather is receiving a flurry of criticism today, as it was announced late Thursday evening that she was failing one of her students, little Timmy Jenkins, simply because she did not care for the boy...Read full story
How To Build a Shelter
I recently was in discussion with another user of this twatty website on the topic of pangolins destroying his garden shed. Naturally - I being a human male with a beating heart after all - I was struck by the pain and suffering that such events can inflict on another male human. With a heart. I vowed right then and there to offer instruction in making a shelter. A shelter from the storm...Read full story
Tommy's Tea Break Fiasco
There was a right royal rumble in Barnsley today at the headquarters of 'The Yorkshire Tea Company' when Tommy Cassidy opened a flask of coffee at morning tea break. Tommy was retiring at the end of the week after 47 years service and wanted to...Read full story
Papa Smurf Nearly Dies In Choking Incident
Those original Avatars, The Smurfs were back in the news today when Papa Smurf choked in an Indian Restaurant in Soho. They were out celebrating with James Cameron who has signed the Smurfs for the sequel to Avatar, Avatar 2 The Sequel which is out...Read full story
Minnesota Woman Tries to Mail Puppy to Georgia
Just when you think the human race can't get any more stupid and you can't bear to read one more account of animal cruelty, a story like this emerges. A 39-year old resident of Minneapolis, Stacey Braindead, placed a puppy inside a box and took it...Read full story
Miley Cyrus' Fifth Tattoo A Celebration Of 'Why Do I Give A Sh-t?' Day.
For months Miley Cyrus has taken all the money she was saving up for a nose job --an L.A. surgeon quoted her a price of $243,000.00-- and blew it on defiling her teen-aged flesh with yet another tattoo. Not that I'll be alive, but... What is t...Read full story
Can You Live in a Tree?
The question everyone is asking those in favour of forests is : Can you live in a tree? Monkeys can but humans have problems. Therefore sell off the forests, cut the trees down and build houses - making a considerable profit in the process for the developers. A new scheme has been established, after extensive research among trees. They say they convert carbon dioxide into oxygen but this pro...Read full story
Charlie Sheen files Worker's Compensation claim
In a statement from Sheen's lawyer, the case is spelled out quite simply. They claim that Charlie Sheen's character on CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men" drinks heavily, does drugs, and sleeps with prostitutes. In order for Mr. Sheen to prepare for th...Read full story
Rep. Giffords Astronaut Husband: Gabby Supports My Shuttle Mission. I Think. Well, She Didn't Say No, That's For Damned Sure!
Astronaut Mark Kelly is expected to announce Friday that he will command the upcoming flight of the space shuttle Endeavour, just a few weeks after his wife, Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, was shot in Arizona during an assassination attempt. "I am very...Read full story
Egypt's Mubarek Orders the Beating of Journalists: "Now The World Will See I am A Man Of Peace"
Egypt's President Hosni Mubarek -- voted Time Magazine's 2011 World Leader Most Likely To Be Hung Upside-Down on Meathooks From the Roof Of His Palace-- has decided to try to gain the world's sympathy for his plight by ordering government troops to...Read full story
Camilla surprise runner in this year's London Marathon
A surprise announcement from Clarence House states that The Duchess of Cornwall,second wife of The Prince of Wales(more generally called Camilla Parker Bowles) wishes it to be known that she is an entry for and intends to compete in this years Vi...Read full story
Up the Weimar Republic in Dublin South Central
After much soul searching I have decided to stand for election on the 25th. I was going to do it 2 days earlier but though better of it. I see no other credible solution for Ireland then to go the way of the Weimar Republic. If you vote for me I will buy the rights for it off the Germans as part of the ECB/IMF deal. I have had secret talks over the last month and I have their interest. The cond...Read full story
Storm in a Bedsheet - Mr Bercow Will Go Potty
"'I look a complete idiot': Sally Bercow reacts to the furore over the 'storm in a bedsheet' photoshoot in front of Parliament Sally Bercow, wife of the House of Commons Speaker, today admitted she had been "stitched up like a kipper" and had made...Read full story
Sally 'Sex Bomb' Bercow: bedsheet made me look a t***! (£50K modelling fee soon softened the blow)
London - (Dildo Baggins News): The 'Poison Dwarf' Speaker's wife is said to be fool (sic) of shame - as a reported £50,000 modelling cheque snuggles down comfily in her bank account. Some tacky bedsheet-draped semi-nude newspaper pics were meant...Read full story
Justin Beiber to star in commercial during Super Bowl
Justin Beiber has been asked to star in a Super Bowl Commercial. It is not yet known which product he will endorse. Beer is out because of his young age. KY and Jelly and comdoms are also out, for obvious reasons. His mom is going to have the f...Read full story
Fruit and Vegetable sex toys
A recent survey carried out by Girl Play magazine has revealed a liking of fruit and vegetables as sex toys among sexually active and adventurous women. "The most popular vegetable was the carrot," said magazine editor, Andrea Fuller. "Women repor...Read full story
Chelsea Clinton Denies She Wants Annulment After Hubby Caught Doing 'Bunny Hop' At Ski Bar!
Looking wan, drawn out, sickly and quite unappealing, actually a lot like her famous mother, Chelsea Clinton emerged from a NYC fitness (sic) center yesterday telling gathered press that her dysfunctional marriage "was stronger than ever" and expecte...Read full story
Power outage in North Queensland, population left unable to charge electric toothbrushes.
The population of Cairns, Townsville and the surrounding environs are coming to terms with being hit by the worst toothbrush related disaster in Queensland's history - beating the 1997 toothbrush flu epidemic where 25% of Queensland's toothbrushes ha...Read full story
Spoof Writers warned to 'Stay out of Egypt'
Spoof Writers have been warned to STAY OUT OF EGYPT...It is far too dangerous for journalists to be covering the news at ground zero. Mark is not in a position to 'bail you out' should you be captured and imprisoned, beaten, raped or pillaged. Use your common sense...those of you who still have a little left. Stay indoors with your computers and laptops. Follow the Egyptian 'story' on the...Read full story
Dog Bites Other Dog's Owner In Revenge Attack!
It seems dogs really have got an understanding. As reported yesterday, violent dog owner Terry Beard, 42, from a Council Estate bit his West Highland Terrier Wesley for no apparent reason. Wesley is well known on the estate as he walks with a pro...Read full story
.Armfeetandtoe. My Brain, and other missing parts.
I woke yesterday morning, that upset the wife. Had breakfast, which pissed the dogs off, normaly I dont have time, and they get the bacon and sausages. My eldest daughter asked me for some money, I handed her an Afghani $100,000 note and told her to change it at the bank. As she skipped away, I thought, 1 nil to me. It's worth about 50 pence, and if I'm lucky, they will have her in for question...Read full story
Miley Cyrus Unveils Latest "Tat"
Miley Cyrus, acclaimed American singer and star, has unveiled her fifth tattoo at a press conference in Tahrir Square, Cairo. The "tat" depicting images of Ben Ali, Hosni Mubarak, and King Abdullah II riding the Sphinx into the sunset was located on...Read full story
Porn Star Sued For Sexual Harassment At Work
A male porn star has filed a lawsuit against his co-star, claiming sexual harassment in the work place. Stud Driver, 36, star of famed pornographic motion pictures such as Robocock, The Sperminator (parts 1 and 2) and Harry Cocker and the Moist Ch...Read full story
Owl Wins Fashion Award
It's a well known fact that Owls are the only birds that can see the colour blue. This was blatantly obvious at the Annual Fashion Awards in Cleckheaton, where Stanley, a 3 foot Tawny scooped the main prize. His outfit consisted of a vintage denim...Read full story
Sally Bercow's Love Life Too Public, Say Neighbours
Revelations that John and Helen Bercow's love life has been boosted by living in their official apartment are no surprise to embarrassed neighbours. House of Commons' Speaker's wife Helen has astonished Parliament by taking part in a photo shoot,...Read full story
Dolly Parton Finally Admits That She Did Indeed Have Breast Reduction Surgery But Only On One Breast
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - Country music twin icon Dolly Parton performed before a sell-out crowd in Green Bay, who bravely braved the minus 17 degree weather to attend the concert at The Box of Snowballs Auditorium . Parton who one could clearly see...Read full story
Honest Driver's Letter to the Council
The following letter was received by the Nottingham City Council Parking Services, Loxley House, Station Street, Nottingham. NG2 3NG. We could not help but see the bitter-sweet side to the letter, however, the Council Officials obviously could not. Dear Sir, I went into your wonderful city last Tuesday, in my 1969 Austin Allegro registration W234 TIT, and after three hours managed to find...Read full story
Monica Lewinsky Hired To Be The Spokesperson For The White House Pizza Franchise
NEW YORK CITY - Just when everyone had just about forgotten all about the blue dress, the cigar, the pizza, and the phrase exactly what the definition of is, is, out of the blue (dress?) comes (NPI) the one and only, the slightly chunky, girl of the...Read full story
World's Sexiest Man Alive Dead at Age 101
Morton Saucé-Bucket (pronounced sau-say bou-quet) died in a convalescent home in Sussex, England Monday from complications of an overactive gonad. Doctors claim his body finally petered out from years of being subjected to sexually charged encounters...Read full story
Take Me Out to the Ball Game! Investors Line Up to Buy a Piece of the NY Mets
The Wilpons (the owners of the NY Mets) had just announced that they were in the market for a minority stakeholder when the rumors started flying about interested parties. That wonderful song "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" (words by Jack Norworth; l...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan: Betty Ford's Jewelry Theft Classes Helped Me Quit Drugs!
Screwed-up-as-a-soup-sandwich former actress Linsday Lohan has her head in a fog, but it is a combination of brain damage and vocational passion that're making her loopy these days, and she has Betty Ford to thank: The rehab center's new "Jewelry The...Read full story
My Gun is Warm: The Gut-Punching, Dame-Slapping Conclusion
Readers just can't get enough of being Jack Hammered. "Give me more!" they say. "Gimme more of the stuff or I'll murder myself, I swear!" Or, "Tell me how it ends, and don't pull any punches. Start talkin', before I start breakin' things." Even dames like it: "Give me more of that sweet, sweaty detective stuff," they say. "Slap me in the face with it until the slaps feel like wet, tender kisses."...Read full story
Cameron to move the Moon
David Cameron is investigating the possibility of saving million in pensions, by moving the moon a Downing street source has revealed today. The source said "by moving the moon up to sixty miles away, we can extend the working day by hours." H...Read full story
The Sad State Of Comedic Entertainment Media
It simply has to be said. Comedy has lost its way. It swims aimlessly on a raft of popular current trends, forever pandering to the banal, the irrelevant, and the incomprehensible. The shocking reality is that contemporary - and historical - comedy, simply fails to deliver the vital ingredient. Laughter. Sure, Fawlty Towers made people laugh. But for every Fawlty Towers, there were a m...Read full story
Obama arrives: Mubarack says "Im Enlightened"
Ancient language experts today confirmed that the failing Egyptian President Mubarack has missed a fundamental threat to his power base. In a direct allusion to President Barack Obama's arrival in the country today, the standing president said:...Read full story
Ancient Egyptian Treasure's Sold To Online Gold Sharks
Interpol today confirmed that parts of looted Ancient Egyptian treasures have been literally "posted" to cash for gold style websites. One satisfied customer said on a website: "I knew that this burial mask was worth at least 4 million dollars...Read full story
My Gun is Warm Part 2
When we published the first installment of "My Gun is Warm," the stunning new Jack Hammer thriller, we could have hardly imagined the response. Readers can't get enough of Jack Hammer. One wrote, "I've never experienced such a thrilling tale. I feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut by a team of walruses." Another wrote, "I couldn't put it down. My old lady tried to distract me her e...Read full story