Michael Jackson Zombie Thriller Gang Terrorises Long Beach
Long Beach, California - Reports are still sketchy at this point but it appears that an intersection in the city of Long Beach, California, was last night terrorised by a gang of zombies, allegedly led by deceased performer Michael Jackson. The in...
Read full storyCBS Reportedly Considering Firing 'Two And A Half Men's' Charlie Sheen And Replacing Him With Edison Pena
HOLLYWOOD - A highly placed unnamed source has stated that the rumblings over at the 'Eye' Network (CBS) are that there is a distinct possibility that Charlie Sheen could be axed from television's number one situation comedy Two And A Half Men. Th...
Read full storyUS celebrates Veterinarians' Day
The US president, and citizens from all across the country, have today gathered together, on the 11th day of the 11th month, at the 11th hour, to celebrate a very special group of people. It is the anniversary of the end of the First World War, a war...
Read full storyMum's the word
Rich families, in the South East of England and Cheshire, ditch their Eastern European au pairs and sign up for £1 an hour, welfare benefit, benefits it is reported. Realising that there was money to be made from poor people on benefits, Aranxta C...
Read full storyAliens Don't Follow Movies, Doesn't Attack World Landmarks
BIRMINGHAM - A rougue planet named Glansokoln sent its battle forces to destroy a settlement of Earth. This broke the treaty signed by the entire universe to preserve Earth as a wildlife reserve, and not to disturb its going-ons. The forces decid...
Read full storyAnother Mystery Missile Fired Off Coast Of Maine!
For the second time this week a missile has been fired from the ocean and this definitely wasn't a plane say locals of Seaport, Maine! "They can call these things airplanes as much as they like, but this looked just like the one we saw on TV that...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner/Taylor Swift Out-Cute Robert Pattinson/Kristen! In Contest!
In a new survey by six combined (Ages 14-24) popular magazines, the team of Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift received more votes than Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart who were a little miffed by the results! "I have nothing against either the T...
Read full storyU.S Soldier Receives $1.3 million of "Support" From Ribbon Sales
(November 11, 2010 -- Houston, TX)… A compelling story of patriotism warmed the nations heart this Veteran's Day as Lt. Bob McGuffie received a remarkable amount of "support" in the form of $1.3 million. McGuffie, who's a true American Hero despite...
Read full storyBollywood and Hollywood unite and are now called "Lollywood!"
The two largest global epi-centres of film-making have now united and instead of being called Holly-Bollywood their new name is "Lollywood!" This is the greatest merger in film history since those two gay cowboys in Breakback Mountain united in a...
Read full storyPotter Trio Have Had Enough
The experience of playing the parts of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley has left Daniel Radcliffe Emma Watson and Rupert Grint exhausted. The news that J.K. Rowling might write more Potter stories has left the trio cold. 'No more mag...
Read full storyRupert Murdoch Reveals He Donated Money To Charity
LONDON - At a press conference, Rupert Murdoch, head of News Corp. which owns the right-wing FOX TV network in America and the Sun tabloid in Britain, came out to the press that he used the money set aside for the BSkyB buyout, for charitable purpose...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Latest Nude Pictorial More Pitiable Than Titillating.
The most interesting image is of three women. The main focus is the woman on one knee. She is dressed in a fishnet jumpsuit, looking directly into the camera lens, a lit cigarette in her left hand. Underneath her a prone woman, naked, lying face down. She lies upon a fur coat, beneath her hips. Next to her, a fully clothed woman, holding a permanent marker. On the nape of the naked woman's...
Read full storyFlies - "Just Disgusting And Stupid"
Scientists have finally come up with the answer to the question that bugs householders every summer... Why can't flies get out of the window? As everyone knows, in the height of summer, flies and bluebottles can get into your home through the n...
Read full storyMuslims May Be Producing Home-Grown Model Citizens
LONDON, EDINGBURH, CARDIFF, BELFAST - A new Counter-Terrorism report suggests that of the 1.7 million Muslims in Britain, nearly 80% are producing home-grown model citizens, who are terrifyingly good in school, and help out in their community. The...
Read full storyJoey Barton "I'm innocent!"
Joey Barton has hit back at accusations that he is a thug and should not be allowed on a football field after allegedly "punching" Blackburn's Morten Gamst Pederson last night at St James Park. "There was a fly on his shirt so I swatted...
Read full storyMadam's Family Theme Song: A Vegas Brothel
And in order to answer Ms. Charpa's call, I have created a spoof theme song to one of my boyhood syndicated favotites, the Addams Family. And I was forced to write this intro to claim a minimum of 100 words so that it could be published. (108) Then I noticed that the advertising on the left side, really screwed up the alighment of the lyrics, so I decided to write a little bit more to push the...
Read full storyOld People Told Not to get Sick
Skiving Oldies, pretending to have health problems are clogging up the Health system. 'It is about time Old People learnt to stop being so pathetic' said Hospital Chief Dr Mortician 'we get these people complaining about everything under the sun. The...
Read full storyBenefit cut-price Cuts!
Today, Ian 'Clunckhead' Smiff, the man who makes even a retarded Orangutan look three quarters intelligent, announced a whole slew of upcoming Draconian benefit cuts. Having rushed off to the toilet to change his incontinent pad due to the overal...
Read full storyTea Party Supports NASA Expedition to Underside of Flat Earth
Newly elected Tea Party Congressmen intend to fund a NASA project that will use advanced space technology to observe the opposite side of our flat planet for the first time. Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) stated, "I believe that this nation should comm...
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Sign Quarterback Kurt Warner
DALLAS - Now that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has fired his head football coach Wade "The Statue" Phillips, Jones truly feels that the Cowboys might just find the road to victory. He stated that he has total confidence in his new coach Jason...
Read full storyWorkers to pay for privilege
Workers will be made to pay for the privilege of doing so in what Iain Duncan Smith says is the biggest shake up of working practice since some ill though out law from 1788 was passed to prevent children being employed as chimney sweeps. In a raf...
Read full storyBrandy Responds To The Rumor That She And Her 'Dancing With The Stars' Partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy Are Dating
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Brandy, who has made it down to the final four in this year's 11th season of Dancing With The Stars, took time to address a rumor that has been floating around for weeks. Brandy, whose last name is Norwood, sat by the swimming po...
Read full storyStudent violence "caused by benefit scroungers"
The coalition government "has conclusive proof" that yesterday's violence at the student protests was caused by benefit cheats with nothing better to do, according to the deputy prime minister, Nick Smegma. It is thought that several dodgy looking...
Read full storyBloodless coup d' etat: Major Amos B. Hoople Takes Over White House
Early Thursday morning on Veteran's Day, with the White House nearly deserted due to former President Barack Obama's $200,000,000 per day vacation to Mombai and Indonesia, the feckless Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Major Amos B. Hoople, walk...
Read full storyPeter King Admits He Has a Man Crush on Favre
Springfield, Mass. -- Peter King announced that he has a giant man-crush on Brett Favre, and that this crush has limited his objectivity when it comes to reporting about Favre. "When the text message scandal came out, and I didn't criticize Favre...
Read full storyRepublicans Taking Shot at Killing Jobs
Washington -- Republicans are making proposals that are sure to kill jobs faster than seen since George Bush's policies left the country bailing out two major car companies and Wall Street. "We want to extend the Bush Tax Cuts, because they will...
Read full storyStephen King Comes Out of Retirement, Again
Portland, Maine -- Stephen King is coming out of retirement, again. "Full Dark, No Stars" is the latest release for King, who announced his retirement from writing in 2002. "I thought I said it all, but when you are a formualistic writer, wel...
Read full storySPAM Saves Carnival Cruise Ship
Rescuing dead-in-the-water Carnival Cruise ship 'Splendor', US aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan was quick to offer much needed food and water staples including copious amounts of SPAM, while the ailing ship was towed back to American shores. While t...
Read full storyIan Holloway explodes
Blackpool manager Ian Holloway sensationally exploded at a press conference earlier today covering several reporters and photographers in flying limbs and internal organs. The incident happened after one hack asked Holloway a series of questions s...
Read full storyMel Gibson Picked a Bad Week to Quit Smoking
Ordered to pay $60,000 in back child support and with other settlement charges pending, Mel Gibson is reportedly back on an in-home rampage as a means to redirect his anger and frustration over recent events with former gal-pal, Oksana. According...
Read full storyMcCartney to reform Beatles
Sir Paul McCartney,former member of a famous pop band called The Beatles, has announced that he is reforming the famous quartet for a series of concerts in America next year. The "moptop" explained: "I fookin' just made up some cardboard cut outs...
Read full storyMythbusters Claim Ownership of California Missile Launch
What was supposed to be finale for next season's cable hit 'Mythbusters', wound up as a national defense news story instead of an episode focused on sending a harmless home made missile into orbit. Hosts of the show, Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage...
Read full storyZyklon-B or laughing gas? Astronomers baffled by double gas giant
Space - (Nitrous Oxide Mess): Two massive purple balls of lactic space gas have been discovered straddling the Milky Way. British Gas astronomers immediately hiked up the nation's domestic tariffs to stave off untoward competition from the cosmic...
Read full storySun Brainless
In an extraordinary confession the Sun has stated that it is BRAINLESS In an editorial the paper comments: 'We realise that ogling women's bums and breasts is for those who have a limited appetite for news. We are therefore not qualified to pass a...
Read full storyDaily Express Under Fire Over Exploding Heads
British national newspaper, the Daily Express, came under fire from health experts today as hospitals braced themselves for a new wave of exploding heads. The self styled 'world's greatest newspaper' is frequently given as the cause when victims a...
Read full storyFed. Decision to Create Jobs in Printing Industry Backfires, Anti-dumping Duty Likely
Since the speculation of Quantitative Easing (QE2) had begun back in August, many Chinese suppliers of printing presses started receiving a new flood of enquiries from the printers in China. And in November, when Bernanke approved QE2 with his sea...
Read full storyAmerica invades itself by mistake
America is still reeling today due to an all out attack from its worst enemy ever, itself. Poor old lady liberty got kicked in the pants by an aggressor it couldn't hope to fight off, following a computer related communication mishap that saw tro...
Read full storyThe Cardinal and The Acolyte: A Limerick
A Limericke about the Human Condition on the Occasion of a Major Scandal that has Acquired a Patina of Cynicism That May Destroy Our Faith as It Is Known to Us Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Humbert II, as He Recovers from The French Blight that has afflicted him...
Read full storyThe truth will out.
The X factor has been officially classified as moron fodder by the Pope and forbidden viewing to all RC's. In truth, the producer refused to have him on the show, saying the pontiff was not popular enough to bring in a decent audience so it's just a...
Read full storyClegg: Call of Duty inspired Riots
British Deputy PM Nick Clegg accused the insanely popular Call of Duty video games for yesterday's shocking riots at Westminster: and nothing else. Clegg, who was left on his own in a very "Home Alone" esque manner whilst Big Dave went to China, w...
Read full storyThe Date Zit
I just found a sodding zit, and I'm about to have a date Do I pick it? Do I squeeze it? The taxis here, too late! I'll dab some extra aftershave and hope that it dries it out. The taxi drivers bibbing his horn and I have Vesuvius on my snout. I'm looking sharp and clean and I'm hoping she wont notice. The taxi driver looks at me as if I could do with a mustard poultice. All the while I...
Read full storyI'm A Celebrity - A Nation Yawns
So the latest Z-listers headed for the jungle have been announced - it's Ant & Dec again! No, seriously folks - there's an ex-MP who went out with a Cheeky Girl, a guy who was in Chariots of Fire, a former Happy Monday, one of Rod Stewart's ol...
Read full storySlip trip or fall at work? You may be entitled to compensation
Here at Downright, Dangerous and Careless we take all kinds of personal injury and death cases, getting the maximum compensation for our clients with a no-win not-free personal injury and death claims department. From the ridiculous to the stupid, we take all kinds of cases, you don't even need to have died, we'll also take on fatal injury cases. Give us a call if you have been fatally injur...
Read full storyNewspaper exaggerates news story
A mild outbreak of consternation occurred yesterday after it was discovered that a national daily paper had deliberately molested the truth, somewhere in a dark ally in the nation's capital. Details are sketchy as to which bit of truth was deliber...
Read full storyPM Prepares for Rail Bankruptcy
Following news yesterday that Network Rail and Jarvis Rail are being prosecuted over their roles at Potters Bar in 2002. The Government has been hastily preparing for the worst as it emerges that Network Rail could be subject to "Unlimited Fines" if...
Read full storySource of mysterious California missile vapor trail revealed
A spokesperson for the White House announced today the source of the mysterious vapor trail recorded off the coast of California. "It was a military rocket performing a government function" explained the presidential minion. "We had the las...
Read full storyCarrie Underwood Co-Hosts The 44th Annual Country Music Awards But Her Husband Of Four Months Is No Where To Be Seen
NASHVILLE - Carrie Underwood co-hosted the 44th Annual Country Music Award Show and her husband of four months was not in the building, or even in the country. Carrie was asked where Mr. Carrie Underwood was. Underwood threw a semi-hissy fit and s...
Read full storyShaman Quits After Gosselin House Cleansing Goes Horribly Wrong
Blossom River-Crossings has been a practicing Shaman for over twenty years, having helped many affluent families on the eastern seaboard clear negative energy from themselves and their homes. She has been called a miracle worker by many. So, it is...
Read full storyNick Clegg Claims Name Calling Worse Than Sticks and Stones
While Nick Clegg came out of the melee physically unscathed on Wednesday when angry students tore after him and the Liberal Democrats in London for going back on their word on college tuition hikes, he claims he has been mentally scarred beyond recog...
Read full storyFood Breaks For Fat Workers
In a landmark ruling, an employer has been forced to grant five minute food breaks for his fat employees. "Stubbies", a pencil sharpener manufacturer, based in Chorley, used to only allow smokers to go outside for regular five minute breaks durin...
Read full storyFake Pope Cons Food
Even though it is common knowledge that The Pope departed the UK several weeks ago, that didn't stop a cafe in Doncaster being conned into serving "His Holiness" a free lunch. "Bob's" cafe in the centre of Doncaster is regarded by locals as a rea...
Read full storyFormer Fat Man Sues
Ronald Rolls, car salesman and former fat man, has sued the weightloss group "WeightBreakers" after they helped him shed a staggering 40stone. Mr Rolls began life at a healthy 9lbs but ballooned to over 52stone by the time he was forty. Doctors g...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus to Join Ban the Year 2013 Campaign?
Boris Johnson's campaign to Ban the Year 2013 got an unexpected boost last night after he received a phone call from someone claiming to be Miley Cyrus. She said she wanted to join his campaign and was willing to sing a song about it. The news...
Read full storyCarnival Splendor Fire!
(Somewhere off the coast of Mexico) - Vowing to protect passengers from harassment by Mexican vagrants and vigilantes, the captain refused to give the order to abandon ship. Instead thousands of passengers will continue to enjoy a "magical cruise ex...
Read full storyStranded Former Spice Girl Björk Removes Bunion from Foot with Swiss Army Knife
Former Spice Girl, Björk Guðmundsdóttir, performed surgery on herself after being stranded in Iceland's Jökulsárgljúfur National Park for the past four days. According to her publicist, Ms. Guðmundsdóttir was hiking when she lost her sense of dire...
Read full storyFDA: Our New Warning Stickers On Cigarettes Will Make You Quit. Wait, We Meant 'Vomit'.
Since the Food and Drug Administration can't actually force you to stop sticking lit cigarettes in your mouth --'cause Prohibition against alcohol worked really well--, the FDA has announced that they will stick really f--ked up imagery on packs of s...
Read full story"Water-boarding? I thought they meant snow-boarding!" claims Bush
More revelations today from George W Bush's autobiography - "George and Dicky go the White House". The former President now claims that he was "momentarily confused" and thought that the interrogation technique known as "water-boarding" was in fact...
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