Ian Holloway explodes

Funny story written by Bill Licks

Thursday, 11 November 2010

image for Ian Holloway explodes
Ian Holloway cracks up for the last time

Blackpool manager Ian Holloway sensationally exploded at a press conference earlier today covering several reporters and photographers in flying limbs and internal organs.

The incident happened after one hack asked Holloway a series of questions sending the man from the West Country into an uncontrollable rage which climaxed in a violent explosion.

The reporter asked the first question 'So Ian, how are you?'

Holloway paused for a moment and gave the reporter a menacing stare then replied 'How do you think I am? Eh, how the bloody hell do you think I am?'

'I got up this morning, the sun was shining and I had a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. Just because I asked for 2 sugars in my tea instead of the usual one does that mean my dentist is going to get angry the next time I see him because of the potential tooth decay?'

'Well I don't give a stuff what my bloody dentist says, they're my teeth and they've been doing a lot of chewing recently so a nice sweet cup of tea is a welcome reward for the pressure they've been under.'

'He can send me to the hygienist for a deep clean for all I care but if he suggests I should floss more and spend more time brushing my teeth around the gum area then I'll walk out and never go back.'

'So don't you ask me how I am, ask my bloody dentist instead.'

'Er OK' said the confused reporter 'How's the family then?'

'How's the family? How's the bloody family? How do you think my bloody family are?'

'My wife's been watching that bloody Jamie Oliver cooking his 30 minute meals and she's been trying her bloody hardest to copy him?'

'30 MINUTES? How the bloody hell is the silly cow supposed to cook a 3 course roast dinner with all the trimmings in 30 minutes when it takes her 30 bloody minutes just to open a can of baked beans?'

'And why is she trying to open a can of bloody baked beans anyway when, forgive me if I'm wrong, but the last time I looked at the recipe for a roast dinner I don't remember any bloody baked beans being on it.'

'Unless Oliver adds baked beans to his roast dinner as some kind of fancy twist or something trying to personalise the recipe so he can sell a new bloody book called 'Jamie Oliver's Fancy Bloody Recipes with Baked Beans.'

'My wife's wasted 30 bloody minutes of her life and more importantly 30 minutes of mine so bloody Jamie Oliver can make a few more million quid'

'I bet Alex Ferguson's wife doesn't spend 30 minutes twatting around trying to cook a meal. She's probably got bloody servants to do it for her.'

'If my wife says she'd rather be married to Alex Ferguson because she won't have to do any cooking then I'll give her a bloody divorce.'

'So if you want to know how my family is ask bloody Alex Ferguson.'

'Erm, yep I'll do that' said the reporter. 'Just one more question then. Are you looking forward to Christmas?'

Holloway turned a bright shade of pink and started to shake.

'Christmas? CHRISTMAS? Don't talk to me about bloody Christmas.'

'Have you seen the bloody fixture list over Christmas?'

'Liverpool at home on boxing day, Manchester City away on New Years Day.'

'It's a bloody conspiracy by the FA to send the little club back down to the Championship before the end of January.'

'Do you know what I'm getting for Christmas?'

'My bloody P45 wrapped up in a bit of bloody tinsel, that's what I'll be getting.'

'I'd like a pair of bloody socks like every normal bloke up and down the country gets or even some Brut aftershave or whatever's popular with the youngsters nowadays.'

'My wife's already left me for Alex Ferguson and the kids will be changing their name to save the embarrassment of anyone knowing who their father is.'

'Even the dog's changed it's name by deed poll so it won't answer me when I call it's bloody name.'

'I may as well climb up to the top of Blackpool Tower and throw myself off it.'

'That's what the FA want, that's what you lot in the press want and that's what all those bastards who laugh at my after match interviews on bloody Youtube want.'


And with that, steam began to escape from his ears and following a loud popping noise, Holloway exploded.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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