NASHVILLE - Carrie Underwood co-hosted the 44th Annual Country Music Award Show and her husband of four months was not in the building, or even in the country.
Carrie was asked where Mr. Carrie Underwood was. Underwood threw a semi-hissy fit and said that his name is Mike Fisher and that he was up in Ottawa, Canada where he lives.
Underwood said that Mike, who plays for the Ottawa Senators hockey team had some kind of problem with his visa and was not allowed to enter the United States.
Brad Paisley, who co-hosted the show along with Carrie, said that Underwood was heartbroken but that she put on her happy Oklahoma farm girl face.
The night's first award was Single of The Year and it went to "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum, a young man and woman from Mississippi who at this time last year were working as cotton ball inspectors for The Cotton Balls Be Us Agency.
The Song of The Year went to "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, who is known as the bargain store version of Carrie Underwood. Miranda looked like she was wearing a skirt made out of silver Venetian blinds.
The New Artist Award went to The Zac Brown Band, a group whose leader looks like a cross between U2 guitarist David "The Edge" Howell Evans and a much heavier Kevin James with a scruffy beard.
And sweet little Taylor Swift sang her latest hit "Back To December." All of her songs revolve around real male friends and situations in her life. But so far Taylor has not stated who the male in this song is. Rumors are that it could be Justin Bieber, Taylor Lautner, Kyle Massey, or Adam Lambert.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: You can scratch Lambert off the list since everyone knows that he does not poke females.]
Reba McEntire, who someone said had recently celebrated her 87th birthday sang Beyonce's hit "If I Was A Boy." When Beyonce sings it everyone that hears it says that there is just no way that it is anywhere near believable. When Reba sang it, everyone whispered that they could certainly picture Reba being a boy since she has a silly boyish grin courtesy of her tuna snout pout, she has a flat chest, and her legs are hairy.
Miranda Lambert, the soon-to-be Mrs. Blake Shelton won her second award for Album Of The Year with her album Revolution.
Three songs from the album include "Crossing The Potomac," "General, I Can See The Redcoats And They're Behind The Ficus Trees," and "Eggs Benedict Arnold Again!"
The Male Vocalist Award went to Miranda Lambert's future bed mate Blake Shelton who has been playing country music for 34 years or roughly about ten years before they first invented the guitar.
Sheryl Crow and Miranda Lambert, who by now had kind of taken over the show, sang a tribute to the Coal Miner's Daughter herself Sissy Spacek, I mean Loretta Lynn, who told the audience that she is either 97 or 94 and weighs either 103 or 108.
Lynn who is considered the Great Grandmother of Country Music wore a long flowing dress that reportedly had been sewn and given to her by none other than Betsy Ross herself.
The Female Vocalist Of The Year Award went to...ah, let me see...oh yeah, Miranda Lambert, who Brad Paisley asked to just pull up a damn chair and sit up on the stage to save time from having to walk up to the stage and back to her auditorium seat.
Miranda got so excited that she started jumping up and down so hard that her two puppies came close to popping right out of her dress, and in fact Brad said that one of the puppies, (the left one) actually hit Loretta on her right cheek and nearly knocked her to the stage floor.
And then Gwyneth Paltrow, the actress surprised everyone by singing the song "Country Strong" from her upcoming movie of the same name. Paltrow did not lip sync and she actually played the guitar even though she only played three chords, the A, the G, and the D.
Brad Paisley won the coveted award for Entertainer of The Year. He was so happy that he started crying and he had a hard time thanking all of the people that helped him including Little Jimmy Dickens who once back in 1989 had put a frog up on a fence and told Brad that the frog did not get there by himself, but that he (the frog) had help getting his little frog ass up on the fence.
Brad started crying some more because he said later that he had no effen idea what the crazy little midget Dickens was friggin talking about.
SIDENOTE: Miranda Lambert paid Zac Brown to help her carry her awards to her and Blake's limo.