Since the Food and Drug Administration can't actually force you to stop sticking lit cigarettes in your mouth --'cause Prohibition against alcohol worked really well--, the FDA has announced that they will stick really f--ked up imagery on packs of smokes instead, hoping that your vomiting will get you to switch to, say, simultaneous pony cuckoldry and IV drug use.
"Today marks an important milestone in protecting our children and the health of the American public," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who was definitely not one of the cool kids in high school. "The message is clear; 'stop smoking, assbags'."
The graphic new labels are designed to scare smokers into quitting by showing what can happen to them. The warnings are required under a law passed last year that finally gave the Food and Drug Administration the power to regulate tobacco.
Previously, tobacco was regulated by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, The Color Teal and Fluffy Bunnies.
The proposed warnings can be seen on the FDA's newest website, marlboro-country-is-one-big-cemetery.web. Some of the tamer ones include the JonBenet Ramsay lighting a Virginia Slims, a corpse with a toe tag; stained, rotten teeth in a mouth with a gaping sore (thanks, Lindsay Lohan!); babies surrounded by cigarette smoke; and a set of diseased, blackened lungs shown next to a pair of healthy, pink labiaesque ones.
"There are others that we are considering," continued Cyberius. "Those'll really f--k up the average smoker's quick 'I gotta use the john' run outside to catch a puff."
The others include:
- Steve Carrell used to be funny. Then he started smoking, and now look at him.
Smoking does to your lungs what Snoop Dogg did to Hip-Hop.
- Every time you smoke a cigarette, President Obama is guaranteed another vote in 2012. You wanna be a part of that?
Stop f--king smoking, or we will force Gary Cherone to rejoin Van Halen.
- Smoking caused Will Ferrell his career. Please, don't make it worse.
Go die of something that doesn't ruin your lungs, like sharing needles.
- Smoking ruins your life faster than marrying a Mexican girl with two kids and Hep-C.
All babies secretly smoke. So, save yourself and kill a baby.
- Smoking makes you gay. Unless you are already gay. Then, smoking makes you straight. Which, I guess, is a good thing. So, OK, you homos: Light up.
Smoking: Black people do it.
- Scott Stapp smokes. So does Donald Trump. 'Nuff said.
The British smoke. SEE?!
- Smoking doesn't cause AIDS. Wait, we mean 'smoking causes AIDS'. David, we gotta fix this one.
If you smoke, you also have to grow a goatee and dig Enya.
- Glenn Beck smokes c-cks. And cigarettes. And he likes them both equally.
All cigarettes are made by Pizza Hut, which is why they're really expensive, won't be delivered to Latino neighborhoods, and make your mouth taste like sh-t afterward.
- Florida created The Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, O-Town, limpbizkit, 2 Live Crew, and cigarettes. All of those things suck.
Starting today, cigaretts are now called 'the N-word', and are only available in Atlanta and Camden, NJ. Good luck asking for a pack of N-word 100's.
- Smoking killed Johnny Carson, TS Elliot, Ian Fleming and George Harrison, but that's the only good thing it's ever done.
There are two undisputed truths: Lindsay Lohan has AIDS, and smoking kills.
- Reading this warning will give you retina cancer. Good luck, ya blind f--ker.
Smoke a fag, not a fag (For export to the U.K. only: in the US, it just sounds redundant.)
- Don't spend your weed money on cigarettes, you a--hole. Weed rocks!
Mylie Cyrus Smokes: That's how she got Down's Syndrome.