English Care Worker begins sentence
Ex Care Worker Bonita Crabtree begins her sentence today. Apparently Bonita Crabtree managed to get through the English school system, get her Social Sciences degree AND land a job in Social Work as a Carer without EVER beginning a sentence with a...
Read full storyCarnival Workers Fight Mandatory Shower Rule
While the average American male worker takes a daily shower or bath to refresh himself and also rid himself of pesty parasites, dangling dingle berries and pungent odors that might effect his love life deleteriously, carnival workers are furious that...
Read full storyOMG! There's a mole in the White House - And it's pregnant!
Washington AC/DC - (Of Mice and Men): Its bulging furry abdomen said it all: Obama's mole is about to whelp in a secret Rose Garden hideyhole. Nicknamed Palin by the White House press corpse the cute 'n' cuddly critter scampered by the President...
Read full storyJose Mourinho's Real of Fortune
Jose Mourinho will lead out his Inter Milan side against Bayern Munich on Saturday to compete for the biggest prize in football. A coaching job at Real Madrid. First of all he needs his Italian side to defeat the German side in the final of tha...
Read full storySubo fanatics "The Red Scarf Brigade's" Olympic Mascot design, shortlisted
The Olympic Committee have announced a shortlist of contenders for designers of the Olympic Mascot for 2012 and The Red Scarf Brigade's design is on that shortlist. Spokesperson, one of the few 'male members' Canuck William, said that they had wor...
Read full storyNumbers of prison inmates in the UK hit record high, proof that many "men prefer men"
UK prisons have a record waiting list of men wishing to enter prison because they're either sick of not getting their "leg over" with women or enjoy a bit of cheap Gay sex for a change. Those being rejected will turn to anything for a short stay i...
Read full storyThe Sorceror, Van Gall meets his Apprentice, Mourinho to define who really is the "special one"!
A pivotal clash of the 2 best footy coaches on the planet (sorry Sir Alex you failed to do your homework) promises to be an intriguing clash of the "Sorcerer" and his one time "Apprentice". Louis van Gaal has worked his magic in every club he has...
Read full storyGamers Causing a Public Nuisance for Society
Thousands of gamers are causing a public nuisance for the City of Los Angeles in the skid row area. The gamers are harassing customers of the local business when they panhandle outside of stores. City sanitation workers complain that they are tired...
Read full storyLily Allen Not A Patch On Kate Bush Says 1970s Music Buff
Lily Allen may have won 3 Novello awards for her songwriting and her interpretation of 'The Fear' but according to 1970s music buff Fluff Babcock she'll never be as good as 70s weirdness icon Kate Bush who stunned a nation with her squeaky voiced ren...
Read full storyRand Paul: "I would Love to be Treated Like an Old Black Sharecropper"
Hot off his victory in the Kentucky republican primary Libertarian canididate Rand Paul, son of Congressman Ron Paul from Texas, strove today to position himself as a man of the people. "I strive today to position myself as a man of the people," he s...
Read full storyJersey Royals Getting Bigger Through Climate Change
From Spud Chipps, science correspondent - Britain's favourite summertime spud, the majestic Jersey Royal has been changing in recent years, according to potato afficionados, and it looks pretty much like climate change is the culprit. A new potato...
Read full storyArrest Warrant against Lindsay Lohan and Lauren Shreve Teilo
An assistant manager of a strip club, Lauren Shreve Teilo, and Lindsay Lohan had an arrest warrant placed on them by a judge for sending topless photos of themselves to Jerome Jackson of Texas, police say. They are also sought for taking a photograph...
Read full storyJudge Throws Book at Lindsay Lohan
Ex-Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan is pledging to quit drinking in order to comply with the new requirements of her failure to show up in a Beverly Hills, Calif. court on alcohol-related charges. The judge in the case says the problem-plagued be...
Read full storyTeenager Asked for ID to Buy Whipped Cream
Atlanta, GA - When a new product comes on the market, it doesn't take long for the younger crowd to scope it out and try to scoop it up, especially when that new product contains alcohol. Such is the case with a new brand of whipped cream dubbed Whip...
Read full storyThe Real Story Of Lady Gaga
Rumors that Lady Gaga is a she or a he and exactly where he/she came from is different with every article you read. However, we have the story from someone he (at the time) was dating several years back when they were both in their mid-teens. "I'l...
Read full story"Only Good Injuns Are Dead Injuns" States US Senate Candidate
Rand Paul, candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, has reportedly stated in a closed meeting of his supporters that "The only good Injun is a dead Injun." Of the one hundred constituents at the meeting, many were wearing coonskin caps and carrying l...
Read full storyGang War Brewing Between Tea Party Movement and the GOP
Hicksville, USA - "You put him out there, now you reel him in, and fast," said Senator John Bohner (R-Ohio), who surprised everyone with his sudden outrage directed at this young, Strom Thurmond-esque uber conservative known as Rand Paul, "or I'll ma...
Read full storyClinton, Bush Both Listened To Dick During Presidency
Although many Americans felt that Dick Cheney told President George W. Bush what to do on many occasions during his presidency, not that many knew the even bigger influence Dick had on Bill Clinton. "I'd be in the Oval office signing a bunch of la...
Read full storyWorld Cup 2018: New Lord Triesman Scandal
The former Lord, David Triesman, the man who single-handedly derailed England's bid to stage the 2018 World Cup, has been involved in a new and even more scandalous scandal involving various comments he is alleged to have made in private to friends.
Read full storyWossy channels Tyler Durden
London - (Fisticuffs): The Beeb's new reality tv season has debuted with Jonathan Ross re-enacting classic scenes from the cult movie Fight Club. Switching from monotone Norton default mode the iconic presenter initiated guests Ross Noble and Gary...
Read full storyUK Census 2011 Hits Internet
Every ten years, the UK does a Census of it's population, with the next one due in 2011. Already Farcebook groups are springing up to derail the process. In the previous Census, there was a move towards having Jedi installed as a recognised religi...
Read full storyGulf Coast Designated National Mosh Pit
In what many observers are calling another attempt to make lemonade out of lemons, President Obama announced today that the gulf coast region has been designated a National mosh pit. The president stated, "In designating this area a national trea...
Read full storyMouse Holds Peterborough Family Hostage
Panic has set into the surrounding area of Pontiferol Gardens in Peterborough were a psychotic cheese wielding maniac barged into the home of Mr and Mrs Clive Doubletime before informing them that they were hostages. The mouse then beat up Clive D...
Read full storySuBo fanatics catch auction fever!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were all of a flutter today, with their beloved gathering place due to be sold off to the highest bidder later. The fanatics are still attempting to raise enough money to buy it themselves. "We've pa...
Read full storyMalawi bans birth of gay people within its borders
In the wake of a Malawian gay couple's recent sentencing to 14 years of hard labor, the president of Malawi has signed into law a ban on gay people choosing to be born in that country. "Homosexuality is against our culture as well as our constitut...
Read full storyRats Jump Overboard at White House as Obama Pours More Water into Sinking Ship of State!
Reporters were stunned yesterday during a Presidential address in the Rose Garden when even the Rats started to leave the White House as Obama began to speak about his newest scheme to control US Banks and tinker with the failing economy. With the...
Read full storyMad Abbot Enters Leadership Race
Former Saturday night TV variety musician and all-round entertainer Russ Abbot has joined the Labour leadership contest. The surprise announcement from Abbot comes at a critical juncture for Labour after the shock defeat in the 2010 General Electi...
Read full storyGermany to join Sterling Bloc
The real reason for David Cameron's visit to Angela Merkel has been revealed. There has been a secret agreement that Germany will join the Sterling Bloc. Frau Merkel is reported to have said: "Ze Euro has got ze Swine Flu - Deutchland cannot supp...
Read full storyWeightlookers say dog sh*t helps you lose weight fast
There was shock across the country as Weightlookers announced its' brand new "Doggy doo so you should too". The idea is very simple, some dogs eat their own turds and a fat dog is rarer than a fat human, therefore eating a soggy brown sausage should...
Read full storyThird note heard in Lily Allen's latest song!
There was outrage today from fans of Lily Allen across the world as her latest song "Whatever" was heard to have a third note. Even worse, this note was actually sung in tune, according to Jeremy...Clarkson...In the World. After severe pressure f...
Read full storyHIPS to be scrapped or taxed
How low can the government stoop? Now HIPS are to be scrapped, or perhaps taxed. If you already own your own HIPS, hang on to them as long as you can, no matter how much pain you find yourself in. It is not yet known if, when the government decides to SCRAP HIPS, it will allow those who have already been fitted with HIPS to keep them or whether all artificial HIPS will be recalled. Peopl...
Read full storyHoward Stern Moving to International Space Station
Serious Satellite Radio is moving up a notch in quality and timeliness by moving the stars to the space station. Howard Stern is the first celebrity moving to the space station, and starting in July all his broadcasts will be done from a newly cons...
Read full storyJourney Back From The Centre Of The Earth - A Dark Flowers Production
It was our most ambitious expedition to date, and we had succeeded against overwhelming odds in achieving our goal, this small band of intrepid adventurers and I. We were at the centre of the very Earth itself. "I must say chaps," Beanflicker announced. "It isn't quite as hot as I expected." "What do you mean old chap?" Forktruck asked. "I was always led to believe that the Earth's cor...
Read full storyWelcome To Adventures In Census Taking! Today's Subject: The String Theory!
According to the 2010 Census figures of "questions at random", only 5% of the people in Kentucky believe in the String Theory. "I don't care what that PBS show what I watched said. There haint none sech thang as no Strang Therry. My daddy collected strang for forty years at that place the police come and took him to. He'd knowed more than anybody else bout that strang and I asked him. Pa...I al...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's Head Butting Glass Doors
Justin "baby" Bieber has created a new trend, Glass Butting. It's a simple new step where you walk into a glass door believing it will just open.... then slam dunk.... right into the glass while still your in motion and the glass door refuses to open...
Read full storyUN Names Arizona as Most Dangerous Terrorist State
UNITED NATIONS - Arizona, one of America's 50 states, has been sternly criticized for its recent human-rights policies, with Mexico and China receiving the most media attention as they gave scathing condemnation. President Felipe Caldero, Mexico:...
Read full storyCorrie Siege Latest
In an unparalleled dramatic twist next week, Corrie viewers will have to wait until after the 9pm watershed to see the dramatic siege sequences involving Tony Gordon and the staff of the Underworld bra and knicker factory. Probably including Janice,...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens, Robert Pattinson, and Joe Jonas To Star In "The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy Returns To Kansas And Gets Gang-Plowed By The Farm Hands"
LOS ANGELES - The Candlelight Motion Picture Company in association with Universal Studios, and in conjunction with Designated Moviegoers Films has just announced that filming will soon begin on the movie The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy Returns To Kansas...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Hiding in France Like Roman Polanski
Los Angeles, CA - You have to hand it to Lindsay Lohan. When the going gets tough, the Lohan gets high, and it is that very action that landed Lindsay Lohan in some seriously hot water yet again with a Beverly Hills Judge who ordered an arrest warran...
Read full storyBrutish Airways Set To Crush Union 'Like A Little Grape'
Willy Vanka, the Chief of Brutish Airways has vowed to smash the UNITY trade union, whatever the cost to the company, its shareholders, or its employees. In an impassioned speech, reminiscent of the Glory days of Margaret Thatcher and Sir Ian McGr...
Read full storyDolphins Prove To Be Smartest Creatures On Planet - Maybe They Are Studying Us.
New Zealand scientists have proven that it is another mammal other than man that is the smartest creature on earth. Recent evidence has convinced them that the dolphin uses the most brain cells and not his distant relative the homo sapien. The Kiw...
Read full storyHigh-Rise Bank Certified Clean and Green, Customers Awash in a Rising Sea of Red
NEW YORK CITY, New York - The U.S. Green Building Council gave the Bank of AmeriCorp Tower its highest rating for environmental performance and sustainability this Thursday, making it officially the greenest high-rise in New York City. Completed i...
Read full storyMadonna - Mad As Hell - As Malawian Gay couple get 14 years of Hard Labor
Madonna is spittin' chips over the Malawian Court sentence of a Gay couple to 14 years of hard labor after they were convicted on charges of gross indecency and unnatural acts. Madonna's head is blowing steam saying she is shocked and saddened by...
Read full storySchizophrenic Burglar Arrests Himself
A burglar who shares his split personality with a high ranking police officer yesterday shocked police officers in Todmorden, West Yorkshire when he arrested himself and brought himself in for questioning at the local police station. "Thirty years...
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders 2010 Calendar Hits The Stores
DALLAS - A spokesperson for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders has just informed the sports media that the brand new 2010 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Calendar has hit the new stands and book stores. The 12 monthly photos were taken by noted naked cal...
Read full storyScientists devise algorithm to detect stupidity
A computer algorithm capable of identifying stupidity has been developed by Israeli researchers. The researchers analysed 666,000 Amazon and eBay reviews, people in line at the DMV, political candidates and several other sources of high-quotient...
Read full storyHubble Telescope Finds Really Crap Planet - Not Much Excitement
Reports are coming in that last night the Hubble Telescope found a really crap planet, and that astronomers didn't get very excited at all by the discovery. The planet, which is apparently a long way away is said to be of little interest to anybod...
Read full storyBonkers In Basingstoke
Reports are flooding in that a woman went stark raving bonkers overnight in Basingstoke, Hants. The unnamed woman was first observed acting bonkers in London Street, where witnesses state that for some inexplicable reason she started to scream at the...
Read full storyRon Weinland 'hears' God better after having ears syringed
Ron still proclaims to the 'crazy' that he is one of two true prophets (the 2nd being his wife) who have been chosen to carry God's messages to the multitudes (of idiots willing to part with their cash, of course, so that Ron and Mrs. Prophet can make lots of money). Since having had his ears syringed, Ron now admits that he has not been hearing all messages of God clearly. Apparently the m...
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