Mouse Holds Peterborough Family Hostage

Written by SuperSi

Friday, 21 May 2010

image for Mouse Holds Peterborough Family Hostage
Stay back, mother!

Panic has set into the surrounding area of Pontiferol Gardens in Peterborough were a psychotic cheese wielding maniac barged into the home of Mr and Mrs Clive Doubletime before informing them that they were hostages.

The mouse then beat up Clive Doubletime-sawing of a finger, which he mailed to the press-infront of the three Doubletime children, and shot a postman who had delivered a package, before calling the local police and telling them that they were dealing with an hostage situation by saying.

"I've got the b*******. I want 500trillion pounds in cash and a life times supply of Dairylea." The crazed animal remarkably yelled down the phone.

Chief Constable Spanker of Peterborough Constabulary said to our reporter Anvil Smudge. "We are dealing with an isolated incident. This rodent is not part of some evil criminal gang. He is quite clearly a lunatic. This is a rare event…you know…erm…an animal…holding a family…hostage…but its not unheard of. In the last decade alone there were at least 6 other cases involving other animals. There was an Ant that held a pensioner hostage because "The old man was a pleb". Perhaps the most famous case was the gang of lambs that went around terrorising a Shropshire village, by pushing over statues and pissing in some hats.

Leading Psychiatrist Cyril Van Der Glump was one of the first people the police contacted. Probably because he's a genius. He was able to talk to the mouse using his mouth, and was able to gain this information. "Zeee mouze izz unt zcared ov ziz anz zhat" This really important info then allowed police to begin negotiations.

Chief Constable Spanker said some more. "We a trying to negotiate the Mouse's terms down from £500trillion to a much more manageable £250. Also the life time supply of Dairylea to one Dairylea dunker."

It is unclear whether this case, dubbed the Mouse in the house by, who else, The Sun, will resolve peacefully or not but some experts have already been looking at other options just as a back up if negotiations broke down.

Colonel Sanders from the US Marine Corps was today in London holding talks with Prime Minister Camerlegg discussing the options of raiding the house, or even nuking the whole area to rubble. Or even using a sniper to shoot the hostages so "the Mouse can not make demands."

Tomorrow we will bring you a 25 page spread on this event, with an in depth look at the felon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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