England And The United States Tie 1-1 in World Cup Play - Queen Elizabeth Wants To Talk To Goalkeeper Robert Green #12
RUSTENBERG, South Africa - Royalistic Sand Grouse Stadium was the sight of one of the most anticipated World Cup games of the 2010 FIFA World Cup Finals. The Three Lions from Britain were pitted against The Three Tigers from The USA. And when the...
Read full storyObama's lack of pointless rage disappoints critics
President Obama's critics and supporters alike have leveled their most insightful criticism yet: he doesn't yell enough. A spokesman for a Washington think tank said he believed voters expected a tougher president who would get angry and fix m...
Read full storySouth Africans Walking Around With Vuvuzelas Up Their Arses
Capetown, South Africa - The only fans in South Africa who appreciate the vuvuzela horn is the South African. To the rest of the world, it is a sound not unlike fingernails going down a chalkboard and is highly disruptive to a soccer match where the...
Read full storyBoris Johnson Urges James Corden Pest Control
Lord Mayor of London Boris Johnson yesterday urged the London Boroughs within his London Mayorage to "focus on their duties for control of sudden celebrity", in the aftermath of James Corden's televised mauling of revered stage and screen actor Sir P...
Read full storyUSA Bangs Out Moral Victory as UK Short Stop Boots Ball at World Cup!
In a scene reminiscent of Boston Red Sox Bill Bruckner letting the world series get away from him with a ground ball through his aging legs, USA fans were hysterical with glee as they won a moral victory in a 1-1 tie with their mates across the pond...
Read full storyRamen noodle smuggling ring eludes capture
A worldwide network of illicit distribution of counterfeit ramen noodle products continues to elude the grasp of the finest minds in police investigation. Based upon traditional Asian noodle soups made from basic food ingredients, these desiccated,...
Read full storyITV Prefer A Hyundai Ad To Steven Gerrard's World Cup Goal
Consternation and pure unbridled rage in parts of the UK tonight, as ITV interrupted England's World Cup Opener against the USA with a Hyundai advert. Missing Steven Gerrard's goal in the process. Studio anchorman Adrian Chiles tried to gloss o...
Read full storyI am carrying Obama's grandkid!
London - (Reuterus): A surrogate Mom from Pratts Bottom says she's carrying Barack Obama's grandchild. 14 year-old Clancy Noggins said a chance pregnancy test comfirmed a hunch about a missed period. The Essex teenager is a pupil at Our Lady of...
Read full storyFootball Fan Sobers Up Devises Way to Make Game Entertaining
After paying several thousand pounds for travel fare and tickets to the World Cup in South Africa, lorry driver Jon Hanford of London only had a few pounds remaining to spend on beer. As an experienced football fan accustomed to mass consumption of...
Read full storyJoe Liebermann Really is the Dad from ALF
After years of speculation it has been revealed under the Freedom of Information Act that Senator Joe Liebermann of Connecticut really is the guy who played the father in the NBC hit series, "ALF." The show featured a cute little puppet that...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Love The World Cup Bees
Team Twilight teen heart-throbs Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart seem delighted that the World Cup has begun in South Africa, writes Walter Kenneth Winterbottom-Wolstenholme, Association Football and Apiology Correspondent. According to a sour...
Read full storyOJ Simpson Signs With the Eagles
With limited access to cocaine and alcohol, O.J. Simpson has used his prison time to get back into top NFL form. Prison Guard Jason Ramirez of Elko, Nevada is amazed by his progress. "Do you remember back in the late seventies there was tha...
Read full storyReligious Leaders Reveal Lady Gaga is Reincarnation of Prophet Mohammed
Leaders of several of the world's largest and most influential religions have revealed that all received simultaneous revelation that Lady Gaga is the reincarnation of the Moslem Prophet (and founder) Mohammed. In a joint press release issued from T...
Read full storySlow News Day has Media Talking About Sarah Palin's Bust Size
You know you've strayed from the true purpose of being a politician when the media cares less about what your views are on things such as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economy, health care and immigration reform, and more about whether or not you've recently had breast augmentation surgery. Such is the strange case of Sarah Palin whose tight-fitting white top at the Belmont Stakes had t...
Read full storyBootleg Copies of "March Of The Penguins" Seized
Bootleg copies of "March of the Penguins" were seized by customs agents as they were being imported into the country. Over 10,000 dvds were found in shipping cases destined for distribution all thoughout the country. The movie, originally release...
Read full storySpoofer finally makes Featured Writer: Nobody notices because England are playing the USA in the World Cup
A prominent Spoof writer was said to be 'inconsolable' today when he finally reached the pinnacle of his writing career by being inaugurated into the Spoof Hall of Fame as Featured Writer. The contributor, who cannot be named for legal reasons, imme...
Read full storySouth Korea Face World Cup Expulsion
The 2010 World Cup was thrown into chaos last night when it was revealed that South Korea had included two 18 month old boys in their squad. Commentator Pess Flapper said "Suspicions were raised when the squad names were handed in and the players...
Read full storyRAF: English-speaking sides cheated at World Cup
A secret FIFA document nicknamed FAT (for "Fight Against Terriers") was unveiled yesterday at the Resist Alienation by Football (RAF) Headquarters in Geneva. Understanding foul English language RAF spokesman, Gator Skwaerhed, explained how FIFA...
Read full storyVuvuzela horns to be banned - South African World Cup
The 'angry bee' sound of the traditional south African Vuvuzela horn is said to be driving visiting fans, players and even the referee to distraction. One English fan said "What's wrong with these people. I can't hear myself think. Where's the che...
Read full storyRed ink on FIFA's balls at World Cup
FIFA President Joseph S. Blatter explained yesterday during the daily World Cup Press Conference how a new type of ink will make it possible to detect goals scored with the help of hands. Says Blatter: "The idea is to keep God out of the World Cup...
Read full storyGlenn Beck: "Drain, Baby, Drain!"
Special to INS - Fox News' Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig. "The best long-term solution would be to drain a...
Read full storyNIH: Iceberg Lettuce "Useless"
Special to INS - During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a "useless exercise in mastication" and that you "might as well eat wet wallboard, un...
Read full storySales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
Special to INS - The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 200...
Read full storyFlorida Homeowners' Association Bans Dead Leaves
Special to INS - Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners' Association, a 55+ community on Florida's Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community's home...
Read full storyGoogle Names YouTube Spin-Offs
Special to INS - Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. "We wa...
Read full storyGod Owes $150,000,000,000,000
Utah, TX: M. Cerillo, leader of the radical 'Christian Fist of Humility' cult, made the shock announcement on TV this morning that God is on the verge of bancruptcy and desperately needs everybody's help. Opening his Help-God-A-Thon, Cerillo said...
Read full storyObama/Cameron Oil Talks Fail When Barry Puts Dave on "Hold."
Attempts to repair a diplomatic riff over the BP spill failed today after a collection of rude interruptions and blatant extortion attempts by Obama were rebuffed by the UK's new Prime Minister. Things did not go well as Dave tried to place a call...
Read full storyRussell Crowe Denies He's Dead - Justin Bieber Believe's He Is Still Living
The world woke up to more refreshing news this morning, Russell "bad tempered" Crowe had crocked it. Sadly though another hoax. Just as the rumour Justin Bieber had passed away to twink heaven. Crowe woke up to find himself being taunted as...
Read full storySmoking's great!
The government is to throw out all it's health and safety legislation after they discovered the country cannot afford future care for the elderly. A minister from the home office said - "The average old biddy has drunk and smoked like a trooper, f...
Read full storyBees endanger World Cup
A plague of hyperactive Bees almost ruined the first match in the World Cup between hosts South Africa and Mexico. The Bees, thought to be protesting against their anticipated annhilation throughout the world used the match to make their point, caus...
Read full storyBarrett gets a boost in governor race from Alvin Greene upset
The South Carolina primary election victory of Democrat Alvin Greene (for US Senate, to face incumbent Jim DeMint-R) has breathed new life into Republican Congressman J. Gresham Barrett's runoff bid for governor. Greene's upset over establishment...
Read full storyThe Word in Rustenburg, South Africa is That World Cup Player Ashley Cole Has Dated Each One of The Members of The All-Girl Band, The Saturdays
RUSTENBURG, South Africa - Just as some folks were actually starting to feel sorry for English footballer Ashley Cole and his lonely life A.C. (After Chezza) comes word that he has reportedly dated each of the five members of the all-girl band, The S...
Read full storyHeidi Montag Has A Butt Lift and Heads For The World Cup Games In South Africa
WEST HOLLYWOOD - One of the world's most plasticized women, Heidi Montag, who has had 38 cosmetic procedures done including lifts, tucks, nips, snips, lipos, augmentations, and enhancements will be attending the Algeria vs. Slovenia soccer match on J...
Read full storyCatherine Zeta Jones CBE Bent over The Kitchen Sink More Appealing Than World Cup Say Fans
A recent survey has established that most males would prefer newly CBE'd Welsh sex symbol Catherine Zeta Jones to be provocatively bent over their kitchen sink than watch the World Cup football. It appears that these unspoken feelings were first b...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - From The World Cup And The Edge
Sir, I think it's a damned disgrace that Jacob Zuma was allowed to address the world at the World Cup opening ceremony. Okay, he's the President of South Africa, but any bloke who tells his fellow countrymen that washing your cock in the sink and wiping it dry on the curtains, after sex, somehow prevents aids, is in my opinion a complete fucking head job nutter. Not good. W Mandela, Soweto...
Read full storyESPN Sports Analyst Steve McManaman Blames The Opening Game of The World Cup Tie on The Dreaded Vuvuzelas Bees
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - Many of the world' sports writers covering The 2010 FIFA World Cup Finals are in agreement that something needs to be done about the vuvuzelas situation. Many compare the annoying as hell sound to a swarm of bees, othe...
Read full storyEvil Ex Sells Photos of Gary Coleman Last Moments for Less Than The Cost of a Used Hyundai.
Proving yet again that she is the most evil being in the universe, it has been revealed that professional exploiter and Gary Coleman's ex-wife Shannon Price sold photos of Gary's last moments for just $10,000 Moreover, the pictures were taken by a...
Read full storyMotorola CEO doubts Demamd for Video-Calling, Largely Because Motorola Can't Deliver.
Motorola co-Chief Executive Sanjay Jha has said he has "never been a great believer" in demand for video. Fortunately for him, Motorola's next Droid and 2GHz smartphones for Christmas will not be able to handle the task. "There is not a big demand...
Read full storyThe Deadliest Show On Earth: Fake Clowns Terrorize El Salvador.
The real ones are pretty f-cking creepy as well. About 100 professional clowns marched with big, floppy shoes through the Salvadoran capital Thursday to protest the killing of a passenger by two imposter clowns. The real clowns, who panhandle on...
Read full storyWorld Cup Latest: France Are Shit
The 2010 World Cup finally got going last night and, after South Africa and Mexico fought out an invigorating 1-1 draw, France and Uruguay played out a particularly unimpressive 0-0 draw, with the French team looking especially disappointing. Fran...
Read full storyNew Car May Cause US/UK War
A fleet of hydrogen fuel cell cars that emit nothing but water vapour will be trialled by UK drivers from 2012, but may cause a war. The unusual two-seat city car was designed and developed by British company Riversimple. It's lightweight, capabl...
Read full storyNAACP: Black Hole Denigrates Black Ho's
The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP is demanding that Hallmark Cards pull a greeting card from the racks. Saying that the "black hole" depicted on the card could be mistaken for a "black ho," it furthers the impression that African-American women ar...
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