Written by Erskin Quint

Saturday, 12 June 2010

image for Boris Johnson Urges James Corden Pest Control
Foxes Are Increasingly Deserting London Streets And Setting Up Home In The Vastness Of James Corden's Belly.

Lord Mayor of London Boris Johnson yesterday urged the London Boroughs within his London Mayorage to "focus on their duties for control of sudden celebrity", in the aftermath of James Corden's televised mauling of revered stage and screen actor Sir Patrick Stewart, writes Vermin Correspondent, Theo Piedpiper.

Corden began his career by playing the part of token fat bloke in comedy pieces such as The History Boys, Gavin & Stacey and Lesbian Vampire Killers. He has also appeared in the Horne & Corden series, along with Matthew Horne, grandson of Kenneth and Lena Horne. During his childhood, he played seminal token Bunter roles such as Doughnut in Double Deckers and Roland in Grange Hill.

Corden has however grown like a triffid from this modest foundation. His star has risen exponentially. He has become an exponential exponent of exponential celebrity girth growth. Last week's Radio Times reported that he either appeared in, or had production credits in, every TV programme listed in the magazine. Not content with that, Corden is now listed as the official presenter at every British Award Ceremony where there is likely to be a huge media presence. And the new Con-Dem Coalition has begun the process whereby they will enshrine in statute a ruling whereby, wherein and whereinunder, no charity fundraising scheme involving a group of celebrities can come into being without the overwhelming presence of the shuddering bulk and shivering behemoth-belly of James Corden.

Corden, who has been known to boast about his prowess with women, has become notorious for the following feral behaviour in populated metropolitan areas formerly the preserve of genuinely terrifying and talented figures like the Kray Twins, Sir Laurence Olivier and Noel Edmonds:

  • bestriding in a beastly manner the celebrity nether-world like a callous collosus colostomy
  • boasting about his prowess with women
  • showing his rippled belly fat
  • failing to shave
  • standing insultingly behind old thespians with his hands in the pockets of his ill-fitting suit
  • not being funny
  • being even more irritating than himself

The final straw for many metropolitan media-dwellers came during the recent Bimbo of The Year Awards, when Corden took umbrage at remarks made by wierd old luvvy Sir Patrick Stewart about his trademark belly. An embarrassing exchange ensued, in which Corden exposed his gut as well as his absence of wit and inability to deal with an old Thespian who had clearly had too much booze and could no longer contain his indignation at the spectacle of Corden's ubiquitousness.

The two squared up, belly to bald dome, spat at each other and traded lame insults, before Corden smothered Stewart and encompassed him within the vastness of his belly.

It was this appalling spectacle that persuaded Boris Johnson to speak out as he has done.

London's Lord Mayor said: "It is imperative that Borough Councils now focus on their duties with respect to the control and eradication of philistines and sudden or overnight celebrities, lest our metropolitan areas cease to be a haven for civilised beings, and become the hunting ground for these fearful, feral vermin. In the case of James Corden, his belly is encompassing great swathes of our city daily, and it is also known that increasing numbers of urban foxes have made their homes within the swamps and valleys of his enormous belly."

The Church of England has thrown its weight behind the Lord Mayor's campaign. The Bishop of Erith & Belvedere, Gervais Milkstand, said yesterday: "Whilst we cannot endorse any form of violent culling, we must speak out against any person who commits the blasphemous act of becoming omnipresent and replacing reality in the minds of ordinary folk with his own brand of absolute, yobbish tosh and laddish tripe and rubbish."

Clearly, the media backlash will soon follow, and it won't be long before James Corden will be forced back into the usual last-resort haunts of his ilk: Celebrity Big Brother and I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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